4um: Five Minutes After the Rapture

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Title: Five Minutes After the Rapture
Source: Unclebob's Treehouse
URL Source: [None]
Published: Dec 26, 2009
Author: Bob Wallace
Post Date: 2009-12-26 14:47:18 by Turtle
Keywords: None
Views: 221
Comments: 13

Ralph: Dum de dum dum, dum de dum dum.
Sam: Hey Ralph, look at all this stuff lying all over the sidewalk.
Ralph: Weird…clothes, shoes, socks, keys, wallets…some guy’s dental fillings…a glass eye… an artificial leg…somebody’s heart transplant flopping around in the street…a busted-open suitcase full of martial aids…what is going on here?
Sam: Maybe it’s the Rapture. I heard about it from some guys used to go to tent revival meetings, fall over backwards and start twitching and babbling.
Ralph: Yeah, speaking in tongues and “getting saved.” Hillbilly kitsch.
Sam: Look, a brand-new Lamborghini!
Ralph: Look at this in the front seat…a $2000 custom-made suit, a toupee with a pompadour…wallet, keys…damn, it is the Rapture, and now we get all this stuff!
Sam: What ID is in the wallet?
Ralph: Reverend Billy Joe Bob Hargis. Look what else is here…lots of condoms, a notebook with hundreds of call girls’ telephone numbers, some amyl nitrate, a copy of "Gay Boy Toys" magazine with the pages stuck together, a butt plug…
Sam: I remember reading about this guy’s house in the newspaper. Cost $20 million, a pool, helicopter, all the trimmings.
Ralph: Damn! And now it’s ours! Yahoo!
Sam: I heard he’s got a safe there with millions of dollars in contributions he never reported to the government.
Ralph: The sheeple sure are suckers.
Sam: Buncha brain-dead zombies who believe in Jesus-the-Terminator, who’s going to bring slaughter and destruction to the world because they think that’s how he’s going to save it. That’s Christian?
Ralph: I always remember Jesus putting down people like that. Ah, forget them, they’re all gone. Think of all the porn and guns and booze I’ve heard this riff-raff has in his mansion!
Sam: You know those Evangelical preachers. Either he’s got videos of himself and two 12-year-old blonde girls, or else it’s meth and man ass!
Ralph: This is great! God really did take those crap-for-brains Evangelicals, the ones trying to return us to the 7th Century. Thank you, God, even if you never did get me that pony and toy rocket I wanted for Christmas!
Sam: All fanatics of whatever religion, they’ve done nothing but impede progress. They all think they’re right and anyone who disagrees with them is evil. That’s a sure-fire recipe for disaster.
Ralph: Dibs on the driver’s seat! Vroom!

Reverend Billy Joe Bob Hargis: You call this the Rapture?
Satan: For those left behind it is
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#1. To: Turtle (#0)
It is amazing, the imagination of man. The Secret Rapture is found nowhere in scripture. It is complete arrogance on the part of man to think that this generation will be raptured away to Jesus as part of some reward.

echo5sierra posted on 2009-12-26 15:34:41 ET Reply Trace Private Reply
#2. To: Turtle (#0)
Five Minutes After the Rapture

Jethro Tull posted on 2009-12-26 15:44:58 ET (1 image) Reply Trace Private Reply
#3. To: Turtle (#0)
Sam: Buncha brain-dead zombies who believe in Jesus-the-Terminator, who’s going to bring slaughter and destruction to the world because they think that’s how he’s going to save it. That’s Christian?

Luke 19:17 But those mine enemies, which would not that I should reign over them, bring hither, and slay them before me. bible.cc/luke/19-27.htm
Matthew 13:36 Then Jesus sent the multitude away, and went into the house: and his disciples came unto him, saying, Declare unto us the parable of the tares of the field. 37 He answered and said unto them, He that soweth the good seed is the Son of man; 38 The field is the world; the good seed are the children of the kingdom; but the tares are the children of the wicked one; 39 The enemy that sowed them is the devil; the harvest is the end of the world; and the reapers are the angels. 40 As therefore the tares are gathered and burned in the fire; so shall it be in the end of this world. 41 The Son of man shall send forth his angels, and they shall gather out of his kingdom all things that offend, and them which do iniquity; 42 And shall cast them into a furnace of fire: there shall be wailing and gnashing of teeth. 43 Then shall the righteous shine forth as the sun in the kingdom of their Father. Who hath ears to hear, let him hear.
kingjbible.com/matthew/13.htm
"...as long as there..remain active enemies of the Christian church, we may hope to become Master of the World...the future Jewish King will never reign in the world before Christianity is overthrown - B'nai B'rith speech http://www.biblebelievers.org.au/luther.htm / http://bible.cc/psalms/83-4.htm
AllTheKings'HorsesWontDoIt posted on 2009-12-26 15:58:00 ET Reply Trace Private Reply
#4. To: Jethro Tull (#2)
Tooooooooooo funny !!!
Doing what's right isn't always easy but it's always right.
noone222 posted on 2009-12-26 16:09:02 ET Reply Trace Private Reply
#5. To: noone222, Turtle, Cynicom, all (#4)
It's good having the sometimes cranky Scot back, even if he does reek of haggis and mead.

Jethro Tull posted on 2009-12-26 16:31:04 ET Reply Trace Private Reply
#6. To: Turtle (#0)
Will being left behind be so bad?
Really? Will it truly be so bad?
It would be the first time in the world's history where people wouldn't have religion to get in the way of living in peace.
There would be plenty of nice things to go around, and probably plenty of food. No need for anyone to starve, and best of all, nobody to tell you you're going to hell when you die, because you don't believe or think the way they do.
I see it as a win for humanity when the Rapture Happens. Most of the people who annoy me on both sides, will be gone.
Better to be hated for what you are, than loved for what you are not.
TommyTheMadArtist posted on 2009-12-26 16:34:29 ET Reply Trace Private Reply
#7. To: TommyTheMadArtist (#6)
It would be the first time in the world's history where people wouldn't have religion to get in the way of living in peace.

Oh, there will still be religion, the one-world religion of the anti-Christ.
Unfortunately you won't have a choice whether you want to worship him or not.
And it will be as far from "Peace on Earth" as you can possibly get.
During times of universal deceit, telling the truth becomes a revolutionary act.
Bill D Berger posted on 2009-12-26 16:41:47 ET Reply Trace Private Reply
#8. To: Bill D Berger (#7)
You do realize that there are no references to the Rapture in the bible right? That is a fairly recent construct to get people to think the world is going to end right?
Those who are left behind, aren't the playthings of the Anti-Christ. Those people are cast into hell according to the bible, as is Satan and all of the rebellious angels that follow him.
The earth of course is turned into a paradise where Israel is supposedly the seat of God's throne, and the center of the Universe.
You can't have it both ways. There can't be a Rapture, and have the book of Revelations still be correct.
Then again, we're talking about a book that has been used to keep legions of people subservient, and stupefyingly ignorant while those that rule them prosper and wage war in God's name, all the while profiting from it.
I have yet to see ANY war, where God's name wasn't invoked.
What nonsense. If Jesus were here, he'd laugh at every leader and every priest that espoused war in his name. Killing people who don't think like you do, has been going on for millenia, and the reason why people continue on despite what God's word says, is because there's been more money in it, than spiritual reward.
I do not fear God. Nor do I fear his wrath. All that I've done on this planet pales in comparison to those who claim to be better than me have done. Living in fear of God, is the first step to complete subservience to those who would enslave you.
God, the one that I believe in does not want me to be a slave to him, or anyone for that matter.
Bear that in mind the next time you read your Bible, that God does not wants servants on Earth or in Heaven. He has angels for that. He wants us to be like him, which is why he created us in his image, and gave us FREE WILL to do what we choose.
Better to be hated for what you are, than loved for what you are not.
TommyTheMadArtist posted on 2009-12-26 17:44:42 ET Reply Trace Private Reply
#9. To: TommyTheMadArtist (#8)
Tommy should you ever pick up a Bible and read it for yourself spend some time in the third chapter of John.
The best gun to have, is the gun you have, when you need a gun.
IRTorqued posted on 2009-12-26 18:28:47 ET Reply Trace Private Reply
#10. To: TommyTheMadArtist (#8)
Hey man who are you to question Tim LaHaye! /sarcasm.
Rapture nuts are kooks.
"The Central Intelligence Agency owns everyone of any significance in the major media." ~ William Colby, Director, CIA 1973–1976
The purpose of the legal system is to protect the elites from the wrath of those they plunder.- Elliott Jackalope
"When plunder becomes a way of life for a group of men living together in society, they create for themselves in the course of time a legal system that authorizes it and a moral code that justifies it." - Frederic Bastiat
F.A. Hayek Fan posted on 2009-12-26 21:05:40 ET Reply Trace Private Reply
#11. To: IRTorqued (#9)
Tommy should you ever pick up a Bible and read it for yourself spend some time in the third chapter of John.

Who needs the Bible when you have Tim LaHaye? He'll tell you everything you need to know about the rapture (snicker, snicker)
"The Central Intelligence Agency owns everyone of any significance in the major media." ~ William Colby, Director, CIA 1973–1976
The purpose of the legal system is to protect the elites from the wrath of those they plunder.- Elliott Jackalope
"When plunder becomes a way of life for a group of men living together in society, they create for themselves in the course of time a legal system that authorizes it and a moral code that justifies it." - Frederic Bastiat
F.A. Hayek Fan posted on 2009-12-26 21:06:40 ET Reply Trace Private Reply
#12. To: IRTorqued (#9)
Having Died, and come back after 11 minutes, I have a unique perspective on Heaven and Hell.
It's why I'm not concerned, nor am I worried. I think a lot of folks who put their stock and faith into a book that has been used to do nothing but subvert God's will, and preach subservience to the greedy, Malefic, and Destructive people of the world, are going to be surprised when they do meet their maker.
Like I said, I'm not concerned. Death isn't the end. It's the beginning of something else entirely.
Better to be hated for what you are, than loved for what you are not.
TommyTheMadArtist posted on 2009-12-26 21:13:09 ET Reply Trace Private Reply
#13. To: All (#0)

"If ever this vast country is brought under a single government, it will be one of the most extensive corruption, indifferent and incapable of a wholesome care over so wide a spread of surface. This will not be borne, and you will have to choose between reform and revolution. If I know the spirit of this country, the one or the other is inevitable." - Thomas Jefferson
Turtle posted on 2010-11-29 12:10:33 ET Reply Trace Private Reply
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