Authorities today said they had arrested two young members of Al Qaeda who had been planning what they claimed was "the worst terror plot we have ever encountered." Arrested at the Mayfield (Ohio) Grammar School were two eight-year-olds, Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver, and Lawrence "Larry" Mondello. Also confiscated were what government authorities said were detailed plans and blueprints to attack the United States with Little Green Army Men ordered from the backs of comic books, Aurora/Revell/Monogram tanks, airplanes, and spaceships, dirt-clod meteorites and what appeared to be an army of highly intelligent and exceptionally unpleasant alien chickens from Venus.
"If this plot had gone though, hundreds of millions of Americans would have been killed," said Generalissimo Barney Fife, head of Homeland Security. "It was the worst terror plot in the history of the universe! In all of time and space!
"We think Cleaver's real name is Al Beaverda" he continued, "and he's as purely dangerous and more clever than Artemis Fowl, who to this day we still can't seem to catch."
"This is really dumb," said Beaver Cleaver. "Larry and I were drawing pictures on sheets of paper when we were in class, and that snitch Judy called the police and said we were involved in a terror plot. 'Mister Fife, Mister Fife, Beaver and Larry are plotting a terror attack!' Speed-dialed Homeland Security right from her cellphone when she was in class."
"That's right," echoed Larry Mondello. "We were just drawing spaceships and other stuff, and also some aliens that maybe looked like chickens, I guess. Next thing I know a SWAT team comes in and throws us on the floor and beats on our heads with rifle butts. I'm still dizzy. We didn't do nuthin'. Is it against the law to draw pictures anymore?"
Also arrested was Gus the Fireman, who yelled at police and called them "a bunch of darn morons who couldn't find their butts with both hands and someone directing them with a pointer."
"They shot me in the forehead with one of those Tazers," said the 85-year-old Gus. "My ticker just about stopped right there. It was worse than when I was in the Gulag back in '42, and those Russkie Bolsheviks wired my 'nads up to one of those Westinghouse telephone generators and called home a bunch of times. Nazis my butt. Those Bolsheviks were ten times as bad.
"Damn, and looks like I'm heading back to the Gulag again, only time it's in Guantanamo Bay."
A local newspaper columnist, H.L. Mencken, had this is say about the accusations against the two boys: "The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary. "
"I don't exactly understand what he means, being that I'm a bureaucrat and have never had an original thought in my life" said Generalissimo Fife, "but I know a serious terror plot when I see it, and this was the most serious one I have ever run across. Admittedly all the rest of those terror plots were entrapments in which we sent in people to get those morons to run their mouths, and there was no way some numbnuts baggage handler could blow up pipelines or some pizza deliverer shoot up an Army base, but by heck, now we're got a real live terror plot! And a couple of terrorists who make Osama bin Laden look like an amatuer!
"It's a good thing we nipped it in the bud."
Both boys were transferred to Guantanamo Bay while strapped to dollies like Hannibal Lecter. No charges are expected to be filed, ever. Both are considered to be illegal enemy combatants, since they were not in uniform.
"They'll be released when the war is over," said Fife. "It should in about 20 years, once we make the Middle East safe for Israel, secure our oil supplies, impose the American hegemon on them, and lose about 20,000 American dead with 100,000 wounded. Did say that? I mean impose freedom and democracy on them."
