(216): My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand. (515): if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
(501): He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
(262): Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
(506): Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh? (1-506): Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
(650): dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning (805): 1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
(719): Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
(518): He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
(757): I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"