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Pious Perverts See other Pious Perverts Articles Title: The Wangdangdoodle Telephone Company Me: Beep beep boop boop. Computer-generated female voice: Hello. Welcome to the Wangdangdoodle Cellular Phone Company. If you would like to activate your phone, please type in the 16-digit number on the back of your box, that begins with XEM. Me: Beep beep boop boop. Voice: I heard 'beep beep boop boop.' Is this correct? Me: Yes. Voice: I'm sorry, I didn't understand you. Me: YES! Voice: Did you say 'Yes'? Me: YES! Voice: Please type in the 14-digit number on the back of your box that begins with '618'. Me: Beep beep boop boop. Voice: I heard 'beep beep boop boop.' Is that correct? Me: YES! Voice: Thank you. Could you please say your address? Me: 1313 Mockingbird Lane. Voice: I heard '417 Eiler.' Is that correct? Me: NO! Voice: Could you say your address? Me: 1313 Mockingbird Lane. Voice: I heard '3978 Grand Avenue.' Is this correct? Me: NO! Voice: Please hold while I transfer your call. (Muzak version of "Feelings.") Me: Yech. Another computer-generated female voice: Please type in your cellular phone number. Me: I don't have a cellular phone number. That's why I'm calling. Why am I telling you this? You're a computer. You don't understand a word I'm saying. I thought advanced technology was supposed to make our lives easier! Damned cosmodemonic transnational megacorporations! They're almost as bad as the government! Hell, they're PART of the government! Voice: I'm sorry, I didn't understand you. Could you please say your cellular phone number? Me: (silence) Voice: Thank you for calling Wangdangdoodle Cellular Phone Company. Goodbye. Me: Beep beep boop boop. Voice: Hello. Welcome to the Wangdangdoodle Cellular Phone Company. If you would like to activate your phone, please type in the 16-digit number on the back of your box, that begins with XEM. Me: Beep beep boop boop. Voice: I heard 'beep beep boop boop.' Is this correct? Me: YES! Voice: Please hold while I transfer your call. (Muzak version of Bobby Goldsboro's "Watching Scotty Grow.") Me: Blech. Disembodied Indian Accent: Hello, my name is Angelique, and I am a blond, 16-year-old cheerleader dressed in a see-through nightie! Would you like to masturbate while I fulfull your sexual fantasies? It's only five dollars a minute. Me: Too much. No, wait, I mean I'm calling about my cellular phone! Accent: Hee hee! I am sporting such a blushing! I believe this is what you Americans call wires that are crossed! I most apologize! Let us try this again! My name is Hadji, I mean Greg! What is your cellular phone number, please? Me: I don't have one. I was trying to activate my phone, but the system messed up my address and them connected me to a system that disconnected me. When I called back again and tried to activate my phone, it transferred me to you. Accent: I see. I'll have to connect you to Customer Service. (Muzak version of Goldsboro's "Honey.") Me: Two Bobby Goldsboro songs in a row. American Accent: Could you please tell me your cellular phone number? Me: I don't have one. The system messed up and connected me to you. American accent: I'll have to transfer you to Pre-pay. (Muzak version of "Love Will Keep Us Together.") Me: Well, I at least kinda like this one. Another Disembodied American Accent: Could I please have your cellular phone number? Me: I don't have one. The system messed up my address and connected me to you. American Accent: I see. I'll have to connect you to Customer Service. Me: I was just there. They transferred me to you. American Accent: I understand. I don't have access to the information you want, so you'll have to call back during business hours. Me: Sure. American Accent: Thank you. Goodbye. NEXT DAY Me: Beep beep boop boop. Computer-generated female voice: Hello. Welcome to the Wangdangdoodle Cellular Phone Company. If you would like to activate your phone, please type in the 16-digit number on the back of your box, that begins with XEM. Me: Ah, shit! (Beep beep beep boop) Female voice: Your new number will come through on your phone's screen in several seconds! Me: Cool! Phone: (Tinny version of Dan Hill's "Sometime When We Touch") Me: Sonofabitch! That's the ringtone?! ARGH! (Sound of smashing, very similar to Bluto smashing the guy's guitar in Animal House.) Smoking phone: Sometimes when we touch...the honesty's too much... Me: ARRRGGHHH!!!
Poster Comment: A true story.
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#1. To: Turtle (#0)
I usually respond to those with "@#$% You! You piece of $#%@!" and they usually say, "I'm sorry, I did not understand your response..."
Used Tires Amityville, Babylon, Lindenhurst #2. To: Turtle (#0) The only thing worse is a "hindu" named "Nicole" that tells you repeatedly that she understands and will correct your bill ... berry quickly, and never does. Resolve to serve no more, and you are at once freed. I do not ask that you place hands upon the tyrant to topple him over, but simply that you support him no longer; then you will behold him, like a great Colossus whose pedestal has been pulled away, fall of his own weight and break in pieces. De La Boétie Top • Page Up • Full Thread • Page Down • Bottom/Latest |
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