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Title: Three Men on a Hike
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Published: Sep 21, 2009
Author: joke
Post Date: 2009-09-21 00:17:11 by christine
Keywords: None
Views: 357
Comments: 19
Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed: 'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.' Poof! .. God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.. After witnessing that, the second man prayed: 'God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river' Poof! .. God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once. Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: 'God,please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river' Poof! .. He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.
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#1. To: christine (#0)
(Edited)
I was reading a story the other day where a man was at one time considering having a sex change because he believed he should have been born female. He went talked with several doctors and psychiatrists and after a time decided he was going to have the surgery. He said he almost went through it but when he was reading the document that contained the procedures that would be performed he decided that one part of the procedure was so screwed up that he could not go through with the surgery. He said something about a part of the surgery where they would drill a hole in the back of his skull and have 95% of his brains sucked out. He said they told him this was mandatory.
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat- shirt. And they say blondes are dumb... Q: Why do little boys whine? A Letter from Men to Women. To all women, on behalf of all men I would like to clarify a few points: ------- A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
They got off the Titanic first. Please leave the humor to the pros. In our culture too many women have to pretend to be less intelligent than the men in their lives or they're quickly labeled "maneaters", "dykes" or "Queen Bitch Of The Universe" and then they find themselves alone because too many men fear intelligent women. This is how to tell a joke: "Adam was lonely in the Garden Of Eden so he asked God to make a companion for him, which God did. "What do you think?" God asked Adam. She's absolutely beautiful!" Adam replied. "That's so you will love her." God explained. "But, why did you make her so dumb?" Adam asked. "That's so she will love you." God replied.... ______________________ If you must poke fun at women then try not to hurt their feelings, okay?
" real men don't take screen names like "Ovaria", "Hormonia-Hysteria" or "Clitora".l
Funny!
" real men don't take screen names like "Ovaria", "Hormonia-Hysteria" or "Clitora".l
wife fights My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.' And that's when the fight started.... ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.' So I bought her a scale. And that's when the fight started...... ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... So, I took her to a gas station. And that's when the fight started.... ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." And that's when the fight started.... ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment." I replied, "'Your eyesight's damn near perfect." And that's when the fight started.... ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream. And that's when the fight started.... ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday... And that's when the fight started.... ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?" And that's when the fight started.... ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started....
Oooooooooooooooh! That's Sexist!* "An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't. ~ Anatole France
Yeah, men are such big dummies. Dummy men.
MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. Not only that the first line in a man's Wedding Vows should more properly be: "An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't. ~ Anatole France
i don't think so at all. i love and respect real men. i just thought the punchline on the joke was cute.
I know you don't. :)
MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
Blondes Two blondes were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one blonde asked the manager, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are,...very slowly?" The manager leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr-gerrrrrrr Kiiiiing."
LOL
Blonde Cowboy The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots,so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you only wearing your gun, hat, and boots?" The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little redhead asks me to go out to her motor home with her ... so I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt ... so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants...so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts... so I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, Now go to town cowboy........ .... and, here I am"................. SEE.... BLONDE MEN DO EXIST...............
Indeed they do, sweets. My preferred version of that tale goes like this: The guy drives his blond date to lovers' lane, drops the convertible top and they begin to kiss and fondle, and as things are heating up he says, "Would you like to get in the back seat?" "No" she said, so they resumed their passionate petting and later he asks her again, "Wouldn't you like to get in the back now?" "No" she again replied, and finally the frustrated man asks "Why not?" "I want to stay up here with you...." the poor clueless creature replied.
" real men don't take screen names like "Ovaria", "Hormonia-Hysteria" or "Clitora".l
Nobody tells "unsafe" jokes any more. :/
MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
#2. To: christine (#0)
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
--------------------------------------
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
--------------------------------------
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
--------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
--------------------------------------
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
--------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
A: They are practicing to be men.
--------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
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Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
--------------------------------------
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
--------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
"If, from the more wretched parts of the old world, we look at those which are in an advanced stage of improvement, we still find the greedy hand of government thrusting itself into every corner and crevice of industry, and grasping the spoil of the multitude. Invention is continually exercised, to furnish new pretenses for revenues and taxation. It watches prosperity as its prey and permits none to escape without tribute." --Thomas Paine, Rights of Man, 1791
#3. To: christine, farmfriend (#0)
Thank you for your understanding.
From all men.
"Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known."
-Carl Sagan.
#4. To: christine, all (#0)
"The trouble with people is not that they don't know but that they know so much that ain't so." ~ Josh Billings
#5. To: Armadillo, christine (#3)
They can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
When they buy a vibrator it is glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it's pathetic.
Men's clothes make women look elfin and gorgeous. Men look like complete idiots in women's clothes.
Women can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
Women have never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
Taxi's stop for them.
Men die earlier, so women get to cash in on the life insurance.
Women don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
Women know the Truth about whether or not size matters.
If they're not making enough money they can blame it on the glass ceiling.
Women can live their whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
No fashion faux pas women make could ever rival the male's Speedo.
They don't have to fart to amuse themselves.
Women never have to wonder if his orgasm was real.
"If, from the more wretched parts of the old world, we look at those which are in an advanced stage of improvement, we still find the greedy hand of government thrusting itself into every corner and crevice of industry, and grasping the spoil of the multitude. Invention is continually exercised, to furnish new pretenses for revenues and taxation. It watches prosperity as its prey and permits none to escape without tribute." --Thomas Paine, Rights of Man, 1791
#6. To: bush_is_a_moonie, lodwick, Jethro Tull, christine, randge, farmfriend (#1)
He said something about a part of the surgery where they would drill a hole in the back of his skull and have 95% of his brains sucked out.
#7. To: HOUNDDAWG, Armadillo, bush_is_a_moonie, lodwick, Jethro Tull, christine, randge, (#6)
"If, from the more wretched parts of the old world, we look at those which are in an advanced stage of improvement, we still find the greedy hand of government thrusting itself into every corner and crevice of industry, and grasping the spoil of the multitude. Invention is continually exercised, to furnish new pretenses for revenues and taxation. It watches prosperity as its prey and permits none to escape without tribute." --Thomas Paine, Rights of Man, 1791
#8. To: farmfriend (#7)
#9. To: farmfriend (#7)
#10. To: christine (#0)
*(Except it doesn't count because it is aimed at men.) 
#11. To: christine (#0)
#12. To: wudidiz, christine, farmfriend, all (#4)
A woman has the last word in any argument.
"You have the right to remain silent, and anything you say can and will be used against you - over, and over, and over, again."
#13. To: SonOfLiberty (#11)
#14. To: christine (#13)
#15. To: SonOfLiberty (#14)
(Edited)
#16. To: Original_Intent (#12)
"You have the right to remain silent, and anything you say can and will be used against you - over, and over, and over, again."
"If, from the more wretched parts of the old world, we look at those which are in an advanced stage of improvement, we still find the greedy hand of government thrusting itself into every corner and crevice of industry, and grasping the spoil of the multitude. Invention is continually exercised, to furnish new pretenses for revenues and taxation. It watches prosperity as its prey and permits none to escape without tribute." --Thomas Paine, Rights of Man, 1791
#17. To: LACUMO, SonOfLiberty, christine, Original_Intent, HOUNDDAWG (#15)
"If, from the more wretched parts of the old world, we look at those which are in an advanced stage of improvement, we still find the greedy hand of government thrusting itself into every corner and crevice of industry, and grasping the spoil of the multitude. Invention is continually exercised, to furnish new pretenses for revenues and taxation. It watches prosperity as its prey and permits none to escape without tribute." --Thomas Paine, Rights of Man, 1791
#18. To: farmfriend (#17)
SEE.... BLONDE MEN DO EXIST...............
#19. To: farmfriend (#17)
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