See other 4play Articles
Title: Holiday Humor Thread
Source:
Somewhere Over the Rainbow
URL Source: http://*&^%$#…¬ˆ¨¥†®´h1;Å ... šÂ¬â€¦Ã¦p0;–ºª•¶§§i4;
Published: Dec 23, 2009
Author: Somebody
Post Date: 2009-12-23 15:19:40 by Original_Intent
Keywords: humor, joke, funny, enjoy
Views: 4609
Comments: 89
Things have been so serious as of late I think some fun is in order. Post your favorite jokes here.* LET THE GAMES BEGIN! The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree Asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
*Cleanliness is NOT a requirement, funny is.
Post Comment Private Reply Ignore Thread
Top • Page Up • Full Thread • Page Down • Bottom/Latest
#1. To: All (#0)
A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?" The man says, "Methodist." St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8." Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?" "Baptist." "Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8." A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?" "Jewish." "Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8." The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?" St. Peter tells him, "Well, the Catholics are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here."
"An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't. ~ Anatole France
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replies, "I see millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."
"An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't. ~ Anatole France
A radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities... Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision. Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. Americans: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course. Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States' Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees North, that's ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship. Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
"An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't. ~ Anatole France
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated: "This is where your problem is." The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark: $1. Knowing where to put it: $49,999. He was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.
"An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't. ~ Anatole France
What's the difference between a used tire and 365 used condoms? One's a Goodyear, the other's a great year.
"An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't. ~ Anatole France
*Cleanliness is NOT a requirement, funny is. Okay. I am reminded of a story a friend told me once. He was at a nude bar and he asked this girl about her tan lines. She said that she had been sunning herself. He told her that as a true blonde (there was no doubt that the carpet matched the drapes) she needed to take precautions because blondes had a higher incidence of skin cancer. He saw her again at that club and she had dyed her blonde hair brown. He asked her about it, and she said it was a precaution against skin cancer. **** I guess you can refer to that as a "blond joke". :-)
Rum Cake Recipe 2 large eggs Select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the rum again. It must be just right. To be sue rum is of the highest quality, pour one level cup of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat. With an electric mixer, beat 1 cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of thugar and beat again. Meanwhile, make sue that the rum is of the finest quality. Try another cup. Open second quart if necessary. Add 2 arge leggs, 2 cups fried druit and beat till high. If druit gets stuck in beaters, just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the rum again, checking for tonscisticity. Next sift 3 cups of pepper or salt (it really doesn't matter.) Sample the rum again. Sift + pint of lemon juice. Fold in chopped butter and strained nuts. Add 1 babblespoon of brown thugar, or what ever color you can find. Wix mel. Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees. Now pour the whole mess into the coven and ake. Check the rum again, and bo to ged.
Mickey Mouse is having a nasty divorce with Minnie Mouse. Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation. "I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane..." Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was mentally insane, I said that she's fucking Goofy!"
"An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't. ~ Anatole France
That bears repeating. LOL!
"An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't. ~ Anatole France
A tree-hugging, anti-hunting, die-hard environmentalist from Southern California purchased a piece of pristine land near Grants Pass, Oregon. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of the land, and so, she climbed up the tallest tree in her newly-acquired property. As she neared the top of the tree, she accidentally disturbed a spotted owl's nest with owlets. The owl parent started to attack her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest medical clinic. When she finally got to see the doctor, she went into great lengths telling about her being an avid environmentalist, after which she finally told the physician how she got all the splinters. After the doctor patiently listened to her long, convoluted story, he told her that he would see if he could help her. He then excused himself and left the examination room. After three hours, the doctor finally reappeared. The woman demanded quite angrily, "What took you so long?" He then told her, "Well, I had to call and get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down."
LMAO
What a woman says: What a man hears: "An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't. ~ Anatole France
I'm sorry, but they turned me down." LOL
Ooooooooooooh! Ooooooooooooh! I like it. ;-)
"An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't. ~ Anatole France
A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer and says to the bartender, "Hey, I got this great Polish Joke..." The barkeep glares at him and says in a warning tone of voice: "Before you go telling that joke you better know that I'm Polish, both bouncers are Polish and so are most of my customers." "Okay," says the customer. "I'll tell it very slowly."
"An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't. ~ Anatole France
..ADN HALPIE HOLIGLAZE TWO YA'ALL!
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?" She explained, "Well, one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck." Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name." "Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.” ****
I always loved that one...
A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a West Virginia joke?" The guy replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I am 6' tall, 220 lbs. and I am a W.V. graduate. The guy sitting next to me is 6'4", 225 lbs. and he is a W.V. graduate. The guy right next to him is 6'5", 260 lbs. and he is also a W.V. graduate. Now, you still wanna tell me that joke?" The first guy says, "No, not if I'm going to have to explain it three times".
The Presidential Seal.
A lady bought a new Lexus. It cost a bundle. Two days later, she brought it back, complaining that the radio was not working. "Madam," said the sales manager, "the audio system in this car is completely automatic. All you need to do is tell it what you want to listen to, and you will hear exactly that!" She drove out, somewhat amazed and a little confused. She looked at the radio and said, "Nelson." The radio responded, "Ricky or Willie?" She was astounded. If she wanted Beethoven, that's what she got. If she wanted Nat King Cole, she got it. She was stopped at a traffic light enjoying "On the Road Again" when the light turned green and she pulled out. Suddenly an enormous sports utility vehicle coming from the street she was crossing sped toward her, obviously not paying attention to the light. She swerved and narrowly missed a collision. "Idiot!" she yelled and, from the radio, "Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States."
"An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't. ~ Anatole France
Sleep somewhere else.
An Air Force pilot walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" The Air Force pilot explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." "The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I AM wearing panties!" The pilot mildly smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."
Hee, hee.
"An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't. ~ Anatole France
hahahahaaa !
Me like.
"An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't. ~ Anatole France
The Nail Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?" So then the rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one...right here." Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?" "That's simple. By the nail over its stall." Amy explains very confidently. Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?" She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says, "I guess it's to hang your pants on." ****
An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened. "Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gate s of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all to young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here." "That's amazing!" said the one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?" "Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay his."
"An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't. ~ Anatole France
Oooooooooooooooooooooooooh! ;-)
"An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't. ~ Anatole France
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."
"An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't. ~ Anatole France
When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?" Mom smiled and then replied..."I remember."
"An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't. ~ Anatole France
On Armenian radio there came a question from abroad: "Is it true that in the USSR the pay does not correspond to the work?" "Incorrect. It corresponds quite well. They pretend to pay and we pretend to work."
What do you call an American in the finals of the world cup? "Hey beer man!"
"An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't. ~ Anatole France
A Czechoslovakian man felt his eyesight was growing steadily worse, and felt it was time to go see an optometrist. The doctor started with some simple testing, and showed him a standard eye chart with letters of diminishing size: CRKBNWXSKZY... "Can you read this?" the doctor asked. "Read it?" the Czech answered. "Doc, I know him!"
"An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't. ~ Anatole France
how does one get an aggie off their porch? pay 'im for the pizza.
A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said "My dog's cross- eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "lets have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes. "Hmm," says the vet, "I'm going to have to put him down" "Just because he's cross-eyed?" says the man. "No, because he's heavy," says the vet.
deleted
TELL ME WHAT IT IS ... Arnold Schwartzenegger has a big one, Michael J. Fox has a small one, Madonna doesn't have one, The Pope has one but doesn't use it, Clinton uses his all the time, Mickey Mouse has an unusual one, Liberace didn't use his with women, Jerry Seinfeld is very proud of his, We never saw Lucy use Desi's What is it? ....... ....... A last name
I was waiting for my turn at an eye exam when in walks a chinaman. I asked "what brings you here?" his reply "cataracts!" "bullcrap everyone Knows you chinks drive lincolns."
deleted
Comments (41 - 89) not displayed.
Top • Page Up • Full Thread • Page Down • Bottom/Latest
#2. To: All (#1)
#3. To: wudidiz, All (#2)
#4. To: All (#0)
#5. To: All (#4)
#6. To: Original_Intent, liberator, Lod, Eric Stratton, Jethro Tull, christine, tom007, mel_living, TooConservative, X-15, TwentyTwelve, Refinersfire, SonOfLiberty, Rotara, TommyTheMadArtist, abraxas, Hayek Fan, Flintlock (#0)
Things have been so serious as of late I think some fun is in order. Post your favorite jokes here.*
#7. To: Original_Intent (#2)
Rum Cake Recipe:
1 or 2 quarts rum
1 cup butter
1 teaspoon sugar
1 cup dried fruit
baking powder
1 teaspoon soda
lemon juice
brown sugar
nuts
Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. Good, isn't it? Now go ahead.
"If you love wealth more than liberty, the tranquility of servitude better than the animating contest of freedom, depart from us in peace. We ask not your counsel nor your arms. Crouch down and lick the hand that feeds you. May your chains rest lightly upon you and may posterity forget that you were our countrymen.”—Samuel Adams 
#8. To: farmfriend, All (#5)
#9. To: Rotara (#7)
Check the rum again, and bo to ged.
#10. To: Original_Intent (#2)
#11. To: Original_Intent (#2)
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."
#12. To: All (#8)
"This place is a mess! C'mon,
you and I need to clean up,
your stuff is lying on the floor and
you'll have no clothes to wear
if we don't do laundry right now!"
"blah, blah, blah, blah, C'mon
blah, blah, blah, blah, you and I
blah, blah, blah, blah, on the floor
blah, blah, blah, blah, no clothes
blah, blah, blah, blah, right now!"
#13. To: beyond the sea (#10)
He then told her, "Well, I had to call and get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area.
"If you love wealth more than liberty, the tranquility of servitude better than the animating contest of freedom, depart from us in peace. We ask not your counsel nor your arms. Crouch down and lick the hand that feeds you. May your chains rest lightly upon you and may posterity forget that you were our countrymen.”—Samuel Adams
#14. To: beyond the sea (#10)
#15. To: All (#12)
#16. To: Original_Intent (#9)
"If you love wealth more than liberty, the tranquility of servitude better than the animating contest of freedom, depart from us in peace. We ask not your counsel nor your arms. Crouch down and lick the hand that feeds you. May your chains rest lightly upon you and may posterity forget that you were our countrymen.”—Samuel Adams
#17. To: Original_Intent (#0)
#18. To: Original_Intent (#15)
LOL !
"If you love wealth more than liberty, the tranquility of servitude better than the animating contest of freedom, depart from us in peace. We ask not your counsel nor your arms. Crouch down and lick the hand that feeds you. May your chains rest lightly upon you and may posterity forget that you were our countrymen.”—Samuel Adams
#19. To: Original_Intent (#0)
#20. To: All (#18)
What's gray, eats fish, and lives in Washington, D.C.?
"If you love wealth more than liberty, the tranquility of servitude better than the animating contest of freedom, depart from us in peace. We ask not your counsel nor your arms. Crouch down and lick the hand that feeds you. May your chains rest lightly upon you and may posterity forget that you were our countrymen.”—Samuel Adams
#21. To: All (#0)
#22. To: beyond the sea (#19)
What is the best thing to do if you find a gorilla in your bed?
"If you love wealth more than liberty, the tranquility of servitude better than the animating contest of freedom, depart from us in peace. We ask not your counsel nor your arms. Crouch down and lick the hand that feeds you. May your chains rest lightly upon you and may posterity forget that you were our countrymen.”—Samuel Adams
#23. To: Rotara, Original_Intent (#18)
#24. To: beyond the sea (#19)
#25. To: Original_Intent (#21)
"Idiot!" she yelled and, from the radio, "Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States."
"If you love wealth more than liberty, the tranquility of servitude better than the animating contest of freedom, depart from us in peace. We ask not your counsel nor your arms. Crouch down and lick the hand that feeds you. May your chains rest lightly upon you and may posterity forget that you were our countrymen.”—Samuel Adams
#26. To: beyond the sea (#23)
#27. To: Original_Intent (#0)
#28. To: All (#21)
#29. To: beyond the sea (#27)
#30. To: Scrapper2, All (#29)
#31. To: All (#30)
#32. To: Original_Intent (#31)
"If you love wealth more than liberty, the tranquility of servitude better than the animating contest of freedom, depart from us in peace. We ask not your counsel nor your arms. Crouch down and lick the hand that feeds you. May your chains rest lightly upon you and may posterity forget that you were our countrymen.”—Samuel Adams
#33. To: All (#31)
#34. To: All (#33)
#35. To: Original_Intent (#0)
The best gun to have, is the gun you have, when you need a gun.
#36. To: Original_Intent (#0)
#37. To: Original_Intent (#15)
#38. To: Original_Intent (#0)
#39. To: Original_Intent (#0)
The best gun to have, is the gun you have, when you need a gun.
#40. To: IRTorqued (#39)
.
.
.