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Title: Holiday Humor Thread
Source:
Somewhere Over the Rainbow
URL Source: http://*&^%$#…¬ˆ¨¥†®´h1;Å ... šÂ¬â€¦Ã¦p0;–ºª•¶§§i4;
Published: Dec 23, 2009
Author: Somebody
Post Date: 2009-12-23 15:19:40 by Original_Intent
Keywords: humor, joke, funny, enjoy
Views: 4690
Comments: 89
Things have been so serious as of late I think some fun is in order. Post your favorite jokes here.* LET THE GAMES BEGIN! The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree Asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
*Cleanliness is NOT a requirement, funny is.
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#28. To: All (#21)
An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened. "Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gate s of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all to young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here." "That's amazing!" said the one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?" "Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay his."
"An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't. ~ Anatole France
Oooooooooooooooooooooooooh! ;-)
"An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't. ~ Anatole France
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."
"An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't. ~ Anatole France
When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?" Mom smiled and then replied..."I remember."
"An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't. ~ Anatole France
On Armenian radio there came a question from abroad: "Is it true that in the USSR the pay does not correspond to the work?" "Incorrect. It corresponds quite well. They pretend to pay and we pretend to work."
What do you call an American in the finals of the world cup? "Hey beer man!"
"An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't. ~ Anatole France
A Czechoslovakian man felt his eyesight was growing steadily worse, and felt it was time to go see an optometrist. The doctor started with some simple testing, and showed him a standard eye chart with letters of diminishing size: CRKBNWXSKZY... "Can you read this?" the doctor asked. "Read it?" the Czech answered. "Doc, I know him!"
"An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't. ~ Anatole France
how does one get an aggie off their porch? pay 'im for the pizza.
A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said "My dog's cross- eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "lets have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes. "Hmm," says the vet, "I'm going to have to put him down" "Just because he's cross-eyed?" says the man. "No, because he's heavy," says the vet.
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TELL ME WHAT IT IS ... Arnold Schwartzenegger has a big one, Michael J. Fox has a small one, Madonna doesn't have one, The Pope has one but doesn't use it, Clinton uses his all the time, Mickey Mouse has an unusual one, Liberace didn't use his with women, Jerry Seinfeld is very proud of his, We never saw Lucy use Desi's What is it? ....... ....... A last name
I was waiting for my turn at an eye exam when in walks a chinaman. I asked "what brings you here?" his reply "cataracts!" "bullcrap everyone Knows you chinks drive lincolns."
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A fellow went to the doctor who told him that he had a bad illness and only a year to live. He decided to talk to his pastor. After the man explained his situation, he asked his Pastor if there was anything he could do. "What you should do is go out and buy a late '70 or early '80 model Dodge Pickup," said the Pastor. "Then go get married to the ugliest woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old trailer house in the panhandle of Oklahoma." The fellow asked, "Will this help me live longer?" "No," said the pastor, "but it will make what time you do have seem like forever."
"No," said the pastor, "but it will make what time you do have seem like forever." FOFLOL !
Joege Boosh is sitting at a bar and a man starts talking to him. "How many did you kill in the Iraq war?" Boosh say 14 million Iraqis and 1 white woman with big boobs. Why the white woman with the big boobs? Boosh turns to the bartender and say "See. I told ya no one cares about the Iraquis."
A very refine lady walks on to a bus, and sits across from two foreigners. She overhears their conversation. One says to the other, "First Emma comes, then I come, and then two asses come together. Then I come again, then two more asses come together. After that, I come again, and I pee two times. Finally I come once more!" The lady confronts them, "Why must you talk about your sex life in public?" The man tells her, "I no a talk my sex life! I a tryin to splain to my friend, how to a spella MISSISSIPPI."
Confucius say: Man who walk through airport door sideways, is going to Bangkok.
Too funny and a wonderful thread to read. Thanks, all.
Confucius Say woman who ride bicycle peddle ass all over town.
"An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't. ~ Anatole France
Sick but funny.
"An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't. ~ Anatole France
Barbie Joke A guy was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that it is his daughter's birthday and that he hasn't bought her anything. Out the corner of his eye he sees a shopping mall. Knowing it was "now or never", he pulls his car through three lanes of traffic, finds a parking bay and runs into the mall. After a frantic search he finds a toy store, goes inside and attracts the attention of a shop assistant. When asked what he would like, he simply says "a Barbie doll". The shop assistant looks at him in the particularly condescending manner that only shop assistants can muster up and asks "Which Barbie would that be, sir?" The man looks surprised so the assistant continues "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Night Clubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00" The man can't help himself and asks "why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the other Barbies are selling for $19.95?" "That's obvious!" says the assistant, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's furniture ....
Jack hadn’t been to a class reunion in decades. When he walked in, he thought he recognized a woman over in the corner, so he approached her and extended his hand in greeting. “You look like Helen Brown,” he said, “Well, the woman snapped back, “you don’t look so great in blue either.”
Confucious Say: To make egg roll, push it.
ROFLMFAO!
"An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't. ~ Anatole France
Confucius say woman who fly airplane upside down have crack up.
"An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't. ~ Anatole France
Title: St. Peter A man came home from work early one day to find his wife still in bed naked. He new that she was cheating on him and he ran to the open window in the room. Sure enough he saw a man running from the appartment building. In his rage he picked up his refrigerater and pushed it out the window on to the man but he had a heart-attack and died in the prosses. So three men are in heaven standing in front of St. Peter, and he asks the first man how he died. The man says "Well I was lifting up my refrigerater and i had a heart-attack." St. Peter then asked the secound man "How did you die" "I was out for a jog when all of the sudden a refrigerater fell on me!" said the secound man who was still shaken up. Then St. Peter asked the third man how he died. And the third man said "Well ya-see I was hiding in this refrigerater..."
Old Harry was on his deathbed. He raised himself on one elbow and beckoned his wife. "Doris", he whispered, "you were with me through the Great Depression." "Yes Harry. "Doris, you were with me through the worst droughts in the fifties and the eighties." "Yes Harry." "And you were with me when the farm got burned out by the bushfires in the nineties. And last year, you were still hanging in there with me when the bank foreclosed on our mortgage and we lost the farm." "Yes Harry." "And now, here you are with me today, when I'm just about to die." Doris nodded. "You know Doris", he whispered, "I'm beginning to think that you're nothin' but bad luck!"
A guy goes to a travel agent and books a two-week cruise for himself and his girlfriend. A couple of days before the cruise, the travel agent phones and says the cruise has been canceled, but he can get them on a three-day cruise instead. The guy agrees and goes to the chemist to buy three Dramamine and three condoms. Next day, the agent calls back and says he now can book a five-day cruise. The guy says he'll take it and returns to the same pharmacy and buys two more Dramamine and two more condoms. The following day, the travel agent calls again and says he can now book an eight-day cruise. The guy agrees and goes back to the chemist and asks for three more Dramamine and three more condoms. Finally, the pharmacist asks, "Look, if it makes you sick, why do you keep doing it?"
The newest Music Video from the Laryngospasms, who happen to be actual anesthesiologists.
The Twelve Days of Christmas by Frank Kelly Never heard of them before.
The President of the US was visiting old folks homes in the Washington area for good publicity. While trying to make conversation with an elderly man, the President asked "Do you know who I am, sir?" The old man replied, "No. But if you go over to that desk right there, they can tell you!
LOL
"The only thing better than a Federal Reserve audit would be a Federal Reserve autopsy." ~ unknown
Too funny - thanks.
"The conscious and intelligent manipulation of the organized habits and opinions of the masses is an important element in democratic society. Those who manipulate this unseen mechanism of society constitute an invisible government which is the true ruling power of our country. ... We are governed, our minds are molded, our tastes formed, our ideas suggested, largely by men we have never heard of." Edward Bernays, Father of Public Relations
"The conscious and intelligent manipulation of the organized habits and opinions of the masses is an important element in democratic society. Those who manipulate this unseen mechanism of society constitute an invisible government which is the true ruling power of our country. ... We are governed, our minds are molded, our tastes formed, our ideas suggested, largely by men we have never heard of." Edward Bernays, Father of Public Relations
Company Memo FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: October 1, 2009 RE: Gala Christmas Party I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time! Merry Christmas to you and your family, Patty Company Memo _____________________________ FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: October 2, 2009 RE: Gala Holiday Party In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now? Happy Holidays to you and your family, Patty Company Memo ________________________________ FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: October 3, 2009 RE: Holiday Party Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10..00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.. REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED. Company Memo ________________________________ FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director To: All Employees DATE: October 4, 2009 RE: Generic Holiday Party What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first. There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!? Patty Company Memo ________________________________ FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All F*%^ing Employees DATE: October 5, 2009 RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes.. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, The B*tch from H*ll!!! Company Memo ________________________________ FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director DATE: October 6, 2009 RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. Happy Holidays! Joan
"The conscious and intelligent manipulation of the organized habits and opinions of the masses is an important element in democratic society. Those who manipulate this unseen mechanism of society constitute an invisible government which is the true ruling power of our country. ... We are governed, our minds are molded, our tastes formed, our ideas suggested, largely by men we have never heard of." Edward Bernays, Father of Public Relations
Poor Patty.
"An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't. ~ Anatole France
Madonna and Cher got into a big fight. They are no longer on a first name basis.
"Satan / Cheney in "08" a three legged dog walks into a bar and says "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw!"
LOL
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#29. To: beyond the sea (#27)
#30. To: Scrapper2, All (#29)
#31. To: All (#30)
#32. To: Original_Intent (#31)
"If you love wealth more than liberty, the tranquility of servitude better than the animating contest of freedom, depart from us in peace. We ask not your counsel nor your arms. Crouch down and lick the hand that feeds you. May your chains rest lightly upon you and may posterity forget that you were our countrymen.”—Samuel Adams 
#33. To: All (#31)
#34. To: All (#33)
#35. To: Original_Intent (#0)
The best gun to have, is the gun you have, when you need a gun.
#36. To: Original_Intent (#0)
#37. To: Original_Intent (#15)
#38. To: Original_Intent (#0)
#39. To: Original_Intent (#0)
The best gun to have, is the gun you have, when you need a gun.
#40. To: IRTorqued (#39)
#41. To: Original_Intent (#0)
#42. To: TwentyTwelve (#41)
The fellow asked, "Will this help me live longer?"
"If you love wealth more than liberty, the tranquility of servitude better than the animating contest of freedom, depart from us in peace. We ask not your counsel nor your arms. Crouch down and lick the hand that feeds you. May your chains rest lightly upon you and may posterity forget that you were our countrymen.”—Samuel Adams
#43. To: Original_Intent (#0)
#44. To: Original_Intent (#0)
#45. To: Rotara (#42)
#46. To: beyond the sea, the thread (#27)
"I guess it's to hang your pants on."
#47. To: TwentyTwelve (#45)
#48. To: Itistoolate (#43)
#49. To: Original_Intent (#0)
#50. To: Christine (#0)
#51. To: Original_Intent (#47)
#52. To: TwentyTwelve (#49)
"Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's furniture ....
#53. To: TwentyTwelve (#51)
#54. To: Original_Intent (#0)
#55. To: Original_Intent (#0)
#56. To: Original_Intent (#0)
#57. To: TwentyTwelve, Anesthesiologists, all (#55)
#58. To: Jethro Tull (#57)
The newest Music Video from the Laryngospasms, who happen to be actual anesthesiologists.
#59. To: Rotara (#18)
#60. To: Original_Intent (#8)
#61. To: TwentyTwelve (#55)
"You know Doris", he whispered, "I'm beginning to think that you're nothin' but bad luck!"
#62. To: Original_Intent (#0)
#63. To: Original_Intent (#0)
#64. To: Original_Intent (#0)
#65. To: abraxas (#64)
#66. To: TwentyTwelve (#38)
#67. To: Original_Intent (#0)
The best gun to have, is the gun you have, when you need a gun.
#68. To: Original_Intent (#3)
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
"The trouble with people is not that they don't know but that they know so much that ain't so." ~ Josh Billings
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