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Title: Holiday Humor Thread
Source:
Somewhere Over the Rainbow
URL Source: http://*&^%$#…¬ˆ¨¥†®´h1;Å ... šÂ¬â€¦Ã¦p0;–ºª•¶§§i4;
Published: Dec 23, 2009
Author: Somebody
Post Date: 2009-12-23 15:19:40 by Original_Intent
Keywords: humor, joke, funny, enjoy
Views: 4645
Comments: 89
Things have been so serious as of late I think some fun is in order. Post your favorite jokes here.* LET THE GAMES BEGIN! The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree Asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
*Cleanliness is NOT a requirement, funny is.
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#49. To: Original_Intent (#0)
Barbie Joke A guy was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that it is his daughter's birthday and that he hasn't bought her anything. Out the corner of his eye he sees a shopping mall. Knowing it was "now or never", he pulls his car through three lanes of traffic, finds a parking bay and runs into the mall. After a frantic search he finds a toy store, goes inside and attracts the attention of a shop assistant. When asked what he would like, he simply says "a Barbie doll". The shop assistant looks at him in the particularly condescending manner that only shop assistants can muster up and asks "Which Barbie would that be, sir?" The man looks surprised so the assistant continues "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Night Clubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00" The man can't help himself and asks "why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the other Barbies are selling for $19.95?" "That's obvious!" says the assistant, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's furniture ....
Jack hadn’t been to a class reunion in decades. When he walked in, he thought he recognized a woman over in the corner, so he approached her and extended his hand in greeting. “You look like Helen Brown,” he said, “Well, the woman snapped back, “you don’t look so great in blue either.”
Confucious Say: To make egg roll, push it.
ROFLMFAO!
"An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't. ~ Anatole France
Confucius say woman who fly airplane upside down have crack up.
"An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't. ~ Anatole France
Title: St. Peter A man came home from work early one day to find his wife still in bed naked. He new that she was cheating on him and he ran to the open window in the room. Sure enough he saw a man running from the appartment building. In his rage he picked up his refrigerater and pushed it out the window on to the man but he had a heart-attack and died in the prosses. So three men are in heaven standing in front of St. Peter, and he asks the first man how he died. The man says "Well I was lifting up my refrigerater and i had a heart-attack." St. Peter then asked the secound man "How did you die" "I was out for a jog when all of the sudden a refrigerater fell on me!" said the secound man who was still shaken up. Then St. Peter asked the third man how he died. And the third man said "Well ya-see I was hiding in this refrigerater..."
Old Harry was on his deathbed. He raised himself on one elbow and beckoned his wife. "Doris", he whispered, "you were with me through the Great Depression." "Yes Harry. "Doris, you were with me through the worst droughts in the fifties and the eighties." "Yes Harry." "And you were with me when the farm got burned out by the bushfires in the nineties. And last year, you were still hanging in there with me when the bank foreclosed on our mortgage and we lost the farm." "Yes Harry." "And now, here you are with me today, when I'm just about to die." Doris nodded. "You know Doris", he whispered, "I'm beginning to think that you're nothin' but bad luck!"
A guy goes to a travel agent and books a two-week cruise for himself and his girlfriend. A couple of days before the cruise, the travel agent phones and says the cruise has been canceled, but he can get them on a three-day cruise instead. The guy agrees and goes to the chemist to buy three Dramamine and three condoms. Next day, the agent calls back and says he now can book a five-day cruise. The guy says he'll take it and returns to the same pharmacy and buys two more Dramamine and two more condoms. The following day, the travel agent calls again and says he can now book an eight-day cruise. The guy agrees and goes back to the chemist and asks for three more Dramamine and three more condoms. Finally, the pharmacist asks, "Look, if it makes you sick, why do you keep doing it?"
The newest Music Video from the Laryngospasms, who happen to be actual anesthesiologists.
The Twelve Days of Christmas by Frank Kelly Never heard of them before.
The President of the US was visiting old folks homes in the Washington area for good publicity. While trying to make conversation with an elderly man, the President asked "Do you know who I am, sir?" The old man replied, "No. But if you go over to that desk right there, they can tell you!
LOL
"The only thing better than a Federal Reserve audit would be a Federal Reserve autopsy." ~ unknown
Too funny - thanks.
"The conscious and intelligent manipulation of the organized habits and opinions of the masses is an important element in democratic society. Those who manipulate this unseen mechanism of society constitute an invisible government which is the true ruling power of our country. ... We are governed, our minds are molded, our tastes formed, our ideas suggested, largely by men we have never heard of." Edward Bernays, Father of Public Relations
"The conscious and intelligent manipulation of the organized habits and opinions of the masses is an important element in democratic society. Those who manipulate this unseen mechanism of society constitute an invisible government which is the true ruling power of our country. ... We are governed, our minds are molded, our tastes formed, our ideas suggested, largely by men we have never heard of." Edward Bernays, Father of Public Relations
Company Memo FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: October 1, 2009 RE: Gala Christmas Party I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time! Merry Christmas to you and your family, Patty Company Memo _____________________________ FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: October 2, 2009 RE: Gala Holiday Party In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now? Happy Holidays to you and your family, Patty Company Memo ________________________________ FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: October 3, 2009 RE: Holiday Party Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10..00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.. REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED. Company Memo ________________________________ FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director To: All Employees DATE: October 4, 2009 RE: Generic Holiday Party What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first. There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!? Patty Company Memo ________________________________ FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All F*%^ing Employees DATE: October 5, 2009 RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes.. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, The B*tch from H*ll!!! Company Memo ________________________________ FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director DATE: October 6, 2009 RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. Happy Holidays! Joan
"The conscious and intelligent manipulation of the organized habits and opinions of the masses is an important element in democratic society. Those who manipulate this unseen mechanism of society constitute an invisible government which is the true ruling power of our country. ... We are governed, our minds are molded, our tastes formed, our ideas suggested, largely by men we have never heard of." Edward Bernays, Father of Public Relations
Poor Patty.
"An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't. ~ Anatole France
Madonna and Cher got into a big fight. They are no longer on a first name basis.
"Satan / Cheney in "08" a three legged dog walks into a bar and says "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw!"
LOL
No joke thread is complete without an aggie joke. ;-) Poor aggies.
"An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't. ~ Anatole France
a couple aggies I know took that one real personal for some reason.
And that's when the fight started. For Christmas the wife tells me she wants something shiny, sporty, and will go from 0 to 180 in 6 seconds. I handed her the present, which she opened. It was a bathroom scale. And that's when the fight started.
Better to be hated for what you are, than loved for what you are not.
No senseahumor. You got to let them know "I say, I say it's a joke son - whar's your sense a humor boy?"
"An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't. ~ Anatole France
I like those. Somebody posted a whole bunch of them a while back. I may see if I can find it.
"An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't. ~ Anatole France
And then the fight started 1. When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.... So, I took her to a gas station..... And then the fight started.... 2. My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And then the fight started.... 3. After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt". So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me". And she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too". And then the fight started..... 4. Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" And then the fight started ... 5. My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, "Do you know her?" "Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since." "My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And then the fight started..... 6. I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get so stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!" So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?" And then the fight started..... 7. I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." And then the fight started..... 8. A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment." The husband replies, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect." And then the fight started.....
"An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't. ~ Anatole France
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? A: Bruth.
"An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't. ~ Anatole France
? I don't get it.
Better to be hated for what you are, than loved for what you are not.
me neither
Ever listen to how some gay men talk? Bruce becomes Bruth.
"An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't. ~ Anatole France
Confucius say, baseball is wrong - man with four balls cannot walk.
------- Never heard of them before. They're damned good but they can't afford to take the time off to record.
Turning and turning in the widening gyre The falcon cannot hear the falconer; Things fall apart; the center cannot hold; Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world, The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere The ceremony of innocence is drowned; The best lack all conviction, while the worst Are full of passionate intensity. .... Yeats
Kelly and O'Reilly, long-time buddies, were strolling down the street when suddenly Kelly turned and started up the parish church steps. O'Reily: Where you dashin' off to? Soon Kelly was seated in the confessional. Kelly: Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. The sacrament continued for just a wee bit longer and Kelly fled back out to his pal's side. O'Reilly: Well, how'd it go? . . . Kelly: Pretty good actually, I got ten Hail Mary's, a dozen Our Father's and three good leads.
Turning and turning in the widening gyre The falcon cannot hear the falconer; Things fall apart; the center cannot hold; Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world, The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere The ceremony of innocence is drowned; The best lack all conviction, while the worst Are full of passionate intensity. .... Yeats
Heh, heh, heh.
"An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't. ~ Anatole France
Heh, heh, heh. Catholics tell the best Catholic jokes. ;-)
Turning and turning in the widening gyre The falcon cannot hear the falconer; Things fall apart; the center cannot hold; Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world, The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere The ceremony of innocence is drowned; The best lack all conviction, while the worst Are full of passionate intensity. .... Yeats
Thanks, all. ... too funny II.
Waaaaaaay too close to the truth.
Your truth may be as correct as your shoe size being "1".
ahhhhh ;)
LOL!
"An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't. ~ Anatole France
#50. To: Christine (#0)
#51. To: Original_Intent (#47)
#52. To: TwentyTwelve (#49)
"Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's furniture ....
#53. To: TwentyTwelve (#51)
#54. To: Original_Intent (#0)
#55. To: Original_Intent (#0)
#56. To: Original_Intent (#0)
#57. To: TwentyTwelve, Anesthesiologists, all (#55)
#58. To: Jethro Tull (#57)
The newest Music Video from the Laryngospasms, who happen to be actual anesthesiologists.
#59. To: Rotara (#18)
#60. To: Original_Intent (#8)
#61. To: TwentyTwelve (#55)
"You know Doris", he whispered, "I'm beginning to think that you're nothin' but bad luck!"
#62. To: Original_Intent (#0)
#63. To: Original_Intent (#0)
#64. To: Original_Intent (#0)
#65. To: abraxas (#64)
#66. To: TwentyTwelve (#38)
#67. To: Original_Intent (#0)
The best gun to have, is the gun you have, when you need a gun.
#68. To: Original_Intent (#3)
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
"The trouble with people is not that they don't know but that they know so much that ain't so." ~ Josh Billings
#69. To: IRTorqued (#35)
#70. To: Original_Intent (#69)
The best gun to have, is the gun you have, when you need a gun.
#71. To: Original_Intent (#0)
#72. To: IRTorqued (#70)
a couple aggies I know took that one real personal for some reason.
#73. To: TommyTheMadArtist (#71)
#74. To: TommyTheMadArtist, Tom007, all (#71)
With credit to Tom007 who originally posted these.
#75. To: All (#74)
#76. To: Original_Intent (#75)
#77. To: TommyTheMadArtist (#76)
#78. To: christine, TommyTheMadArtist (#77)
#79. To: Original_Intent (#0)
(Edited)
"Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known."
-Carl Sagan.
#80. To: TwentyTwelve, Jethro Tull (#58)
The newest Music Video from the Laryngospasms, who happen to be actual anesthesiologists.
#81. To: Original_Intent (#1)
Kelly: I'm goin' to confession.
O'Reilly: Well, knowin' you as I do, good luck on the penance.
Father: How long since your last confession?
Kelly: Uh, it's been quite a while Father.
Father: Wellll OK, proceed my son.
Kelly: It's pretty bad Father. For several months I've been committing the sin of fornication and, worst of all, with one of the lasses of our own parish.
Father: Oh my, that makes it doublely scandalous. And, just who would this lass be?
Kelly: Oh Father, I could never reveal that!
Father: Hm, was it Mary Monaghan?
Kelly: No, Father.
Father: Kathleen Regan?
Kelly: Oh no Father.
Father: Well now, how about Megan McMahon?
Kelly: Father, please. I could just never reveal the poor girl's name. That would be for her to do.
#82. To: iconoclast (#81)
Pretty good actually, I got ten Hail Mary's, a dozen Our Father's and three good leads.
#83. To: Original_Intent (#82)
Pretty good actually, I got ten Hail Mary's, a dozen Our Father's and three good leads.
#84. To: Lod, Original_Intent, liberator, Eric Stratton, Jethro Tull, christine, tom007, mel_living, TooConservative, X-15, TwentyTwelve, Refinersfire, SonOfLiberty, Rotara, Buzzard, TommyTheMadArtist, abraxas, Hayek Fan, Flintlock (#46)
Too funny and a wonderful thread to read.
#85. To: christine, beyond the sea (#84)
too funny
Mike Flaherty: Yeah, it's been there a long time. I wish I knew which corner.
My Man Godfrey (1936)
#86. To: Esso (#85)
Waaaaaaay too close to the truth.
#87. To: Original_Intent (#78)
Bruce becomes Bruth
#88. To: Esso, all (#85)
a little late, but this always makes me laugh~
#89. To: christine (#88)
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