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Title: Holiday Humor Thread
Source:
Somewhere Over the Rainbow
URL Source: http://*&^%$#…¬ˆ¨¥†®´h1;Å ... šÂ¬â€¦Ã¦p0;–ºª•¶§§i4;
Published: Dec 23, 2009
Author: Somebody
Post Date: 2009-12-23 15:19:40 by Original_Intent
Keywords: humor, joke, funny, enjoy
Views: 4608
Comments: 89
Things have been so serious as of late I think some fun is in order. Post your favorite jokes here.* LET THE GAMES BEGIN! The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree Asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
*Cleanliness is NOT a requirement, funny is.
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A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?" The man says, "Methodist." St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8." Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?" "Baptist." "Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8." A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?" "Jewish." "Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8." The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?" St. Peter tells him, "Well, the Catholics are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here."
"An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't. ~ Anatole France
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replies, "I see millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."
"An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't. ~ Anatole France
A radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities... Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision. Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. Americans: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course. Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States' Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees North, that's ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship. Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
"An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't. ~ Anatole France
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated: "This is where your problem is." The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark: $1. Knowing where to put it: $49,999. He was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.
"An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't. ~ Anatole France
What's the difference between a used tire and 365 used condoms? One's a Goodyear, the other's a great year.
"An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't. ~ Anatole France
*Cleanliness is NOT a requirement, funny is. Okay. I am reminded of a story a friend told me once. He was at a nude bar and he asked this girl about her tan lines. She said that she had been sunning herself. He told her that as a true blonde (there was no doubt that the carpet matched the drapes) she needed to take precautions because blondes had a higher incidence of skin cancer. He saw her again at that club and she had dyed her blonde hair brown. He asked her about it, and she said it was a precaution against skin cancer. **** I guess you can refer to that as a "blond joke". :-)
Rum Cake Recipe 2 large eggs Select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the rum again. It must be just right. To be sue rum is of the highest quality, pour one level cup of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat. With an electric mixer, beat 1 cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of thugar and beat again. Meanwhile, make sue that the rum is of the finest quality. Try another cup. Open second quart if necessary. Add 2 arge leggs, 2 cups fried druit and beat till high. If druit gets stuck in beaters, just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the rum again, checking for tonscisticity. Next sift 3 cups of pepper or salt (it really doesn't matter.) Sample the rum again. Sift + pint of lemon juice. Fold in chopped butter and strained nuts. Add 1 babblespoon of brown thugar, or what ever color you can find. Wix mel. Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees. Now pour the whole mess into the coven and ake. Check the rum again, and bo to ged.
Mickey Mouse is having a nasty divorce with Minnie Mouse. Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation. "I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane..." Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was mentally insane, I said that she's fucking Goofy!"
"An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't. ~ Anatole France
That bears repeating. LOL!
"An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't. ~ Anatole France
A tree-hugging, anti-hunting, die-hard environmentalist from Southern California purchased a piece of pristine land near Grants Pass, Oregon. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of the land, and so, she climbed up the tallest tree in her newly-acquired property. As she neared the top of the tree, she accidentally disturbed a spotted owl's nest with owlets. The owl parent started to attack her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest medical clinic. When she finally got to see the doctor, she went into great lengths telling about her being an avid environmentalist, after which she finally told the physician how she got all the splinters. After the doctor patiently listened to her long, convoluted story, he told her that he would see if he could help her. He then excused himself and left the examination room. After three hours, the doctor finally reappeared. The woman demanded quite angrily, "What took you so long?" He then told her, "Well, I had to call and get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down."
LMAO
What a woman says: What a man hears: "An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't. ~ Anatole France
I'm sorry, but they turned me down." LOL
Ooooooooooooh! Ooooooooooooh! I like it. ;-)
"An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't. ~ Anatole France
A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer and says to the bartender, "Hey, I got this great Polish Joke..." The barkeep glares at him and says in a warning tone of voice: "Before you go telling that joke you better know that I'm Polish, both bouncers are Polish and so are most of my customers." "Okay," says the customer. "I'll tell it very slowly."
"An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't. ~ Anatole France
..ADN HALPIE HOLIGLAZE TWO YA'ALL!
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?" She explained, "Well, one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck." Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name." "Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.” ****
I always loved that one...
A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a West Virginia joke?" The guy replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I am 6' tall, 220 lbs. and I am a W.V. graduate. The guy sitting next to me is 6'4", 225 lbs. and he is a W.V. graduate. The guy right next to him is 6'5", 260 lbs. and he is also a W.V. graduate. Now, you still wanna tell me that joke?" The first guy says, "No, not if I'm going to have to explain it three times".
The Presidential Seal.
A lady bought a new Lexus. It cost a bundle. Two days later, she brought it back, complaining that the radio was not working. "Madam," said the sales manager, "the audio system in this car is completely automatic. All you need to do is tell it what you want to listen to, and you will hear exactly that!" She drove out, somewhat amazed and a little confused. She looked at the radio and said, "Nelson." The radio responded, "Ricky or Willie?" She was astounded. If she wanted Beethoven, that's what she got. If she wanted Nat King Cole, she got it. She was stopped at a traffic light enjoying "On the Road Again" when the light turned green and she pulled out. Suddenly an enormous sports utility vehicle coming from the street she was crossing sped toward her, obviously not paying attention to the light. She swerved and narrowly missed a collision. "Idiot!" she yelled and, from the radio, "Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States."
"An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't. ~ Anatole France
Sleep somewhere else.
An Air Force pilot walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" The Air Force pilot explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." "The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I AM wearing panties!" The pilot mildly smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."
Hee, hee.
"An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't. ~ Anatole France
hahahahaaa !
Me like.
"An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't. ~ Anatole France
The Nail Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?" So then the rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one...right here." Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?" "That's simple. By the nail over its stall." Amy explains very confidently. Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?" She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says, "I guess it's to hang your pants on." ****
An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened. "Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gate s of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all to young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here." "That's amazing!" said the one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?" "Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay his."
"An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't. ~ Anatole France
Oooooooooooooooooooooooooh! ;-)
"An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't. ~ Anatole France
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."
"An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't. ~ Anatole France
When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?" Mom smiled and then replied..."I remember."
"An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't. ~ Anatole France
On Armenian radio there came a question from abroad: "Is it true that in the USSR the pay does not correspond to the work?" "Incorrect. It corresponds quite well. They pretend to pay and we pretend to work."
What do you call an American in the finals of the world cup? "Hey beer man!"
"An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't. ~ Anatole France
A Czechoslovakian man felt his eyesight was growing steadily worse, and felt it was time to go see an optometrist. The doctor started with some simple testing, and showed him a standard eye chart with letters of diminishing size: CRKBNWXSKZY... "Can you read this?" the doctor asked. "Read it?" the Czech answered. "Doc, I know him!"
"An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't. ~ Anatole France
how does one get an aggie off their porch? pay 'im for the pizza.
A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said "My dog's cross- eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "lets have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes. "Hmm," says the vet, "I'm going to have to put him down" "Just because he's cross-eyed?" says the man. "No, because he's heavy," says the vet.
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TELL ME WHAT IT IS ... Arnold Schwartzenegger has a big one, Michael J. Fox has a small one, Madonna doesn't have one, The Pope has one but doesn't use it, Clinton uses his all the time, Mickey Mouse has an unusual one, Liberace didn't use his with women, Jerry Seinfeld is very proud of his, We never saw Lucy use Desi's What is it? ....... ....... A last name
I was waiting for my turn at an eye exam when in walks a chinaman. I asked "what brings you here?" his reply "cataracts!" "bullcrap everyone Knows you chinks drive lincolns."
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A fellow went to the doctor who told him that he had a bad illness and only a year to live. He decided to talk to his pastor. After the man explained his situation, he asked his Pastor if there was anything he could do. "What you should do is go out and buy a late '70 or early '80 model Dodge Pickup," said the Pastor. "Then go get married to the ugliest woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old trailer house in the panhandle of Oklahoma." The fellow asked, "Will this help me live longer?" "No," said the pastor, "but it will make what time you do have seem like forever."
"No," said the pastor, "but it will make what time you do have seem like forever." FOFLOL !
Joege Boosh is sitting at a bar and a man starts talking to him. "How many did you kill in the Iraq war?" Boosh say 14 million Iraqis and 1 white woman with big boobs. Why the white woman with the big boobs? Boosh turns to the bartender and say "See. I told ya no one cares about the Iraquis."
A very refine lady walks on to a bus, and sits across from two foreigners. She overhears their conversation. One says to the other, "First Emma comes, then I come, and then two asses come together. Then I come again, then two more asses come together. After that, I come again, and I pee two times. Finally I come once more!" The lady confronts them, "Why must you talk about your sex life in public?" The man tells her, "I no a talk my sex life! I a tryin to splain to my friend, how to a spella MISSISSIPPI."
Confucius say: Man who walk through airport door sideways, is going to Bangkok.
Too funny and a wonderful thread to read. Thanks, all.
Confucius Say woman who ride bicycle peddle ass all over town.
"An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't. ~ Anatole France
Sick but funny.
"An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't. ~ Anatole France
Barbie Joke A guy was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that it is his daughter's birthday and that he hasn't bought her anything. Out the corner of his eye he sees a shopping mall. Knowing it was "now or never", he pulls his car through three lanes of traffic, finds a parking bay and runs into the mall. After a frantic search he finds a toy store, goes inside and attracts the attention of a shop assistant. When asked what he would like, he simply says "a Barbie doll". The shop assistant looks at him in the particularly condescending manner that only shop assistants can muster up and asks "Which Barbie would that be, sir?" The man looks surprised so the assistant continues "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Night Clubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00" The man can't help himself and asks "why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the other Barbies are selling for $19.95?" "That's obvious!" says the assistant, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's furniture ....
Jack hadn’t been to a class reunion in decades. When he walked in, he thought he recognized a woman over in the corner, so he approached her and extended his hand in greeting. “You look like Helen Brown,” he said, “Well, the woman snapped back, “you don’t look so great in blue either.”
Confucious Say: To make egg roll, push it.
ROFLMFAO!
"An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't. ~ Anatole France
Confucius say woman who fly airplane upside down have crack up.
"An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't. ~ Anatole France
Title: St. Peter A man came home from work early one day to find his wife still in bed naked. He new that she was cheating on him and he ran to the open window in the room. Sure enough he saw a man running from the appartment building. In his rage he picked up his refrigerater and pushed it out the window on to the man but he had a heart-attack and died in the prosses. So three men are in heaven standing in front of St. Peter, and he asks the first man how he died. The man says "Well I was lifting up my refrigerater and i had a heart-attack." St. Peter then asked the secound man "How did you die" "I was out for a jog when all of the sudden a refrigerater fell on me!" said the secound man who was still shaken up. Then St. Peter asked the third man how he died. And the third man said "Well ya-see I was hiding in this refrigerater..."
Old Harry was on his deathbed. He raised himself on one elbow and beckoned his wife. "Doris", he whispered, "you were with me through the Great Depression." "Yes Harry. "Doris, you were with me through the worst droughts in the fifties and the eighties." "Yes Harry." "And you were with me when the farm got burned out by the bushfires in the nineties. And last year, you were still hanging in there with me when the bank foreclosed on our mortgage and we lost the farm." "Yes Harry." "And now, here you are with me today, when I'm just about to die." Doris nodded. "You know Doris", he whispered, "I'm beginning to think that you're nothin' but bad luck!"
A guy goes to a travel agent and books a two-week cruise for himself and his girlfriend. A couple of days before the cruise, the travel agent phones and says the cruise has been canceled, but he can get them on a three-day cruise instead. The guy agrees and goes to the chemist to buy three Dramamine and three condoms. Next day, the agent calls back and says he now can book a five-day cruise. The guy says he'll take it and returns to the same pharmacy and buys two more Dramamine and two more condoms. The following day, the travel agent calls again and says he can now book an eight-day cruise. The guy agrees and goes back to the chemist and asks for three more Dramamine and three more condoms. Finally, the pharmacist asks, "Look, if it makes you sick, why do you keep doing it?"
The newest Music Video from the Laryngospasms, who happen to be actual anesthesiologists.
The Twelve Days of Christmas by Frank Kelly Never heard of them before.
The President of the US was visiting old folks homes in the Washington area for good publicity. While trying to make conversation with an elderly man, the President asked "Do you know who I am, sir?" The old man replied, "No. But if you go over to that desk right there, they can tell you!
LOL
"The only thing better than a Federal Reserve audit would be a Federal Reserve autopsy." ~ unknown
Too funny - thanks.
"The conscious and intelligent manipulation of the organized habits and opinions of the masses is an important element in democratic society. Those who manipulate this unseen mechanism of society constitute an invisible government which is the true ruling power of our country. ... We are governed, our minds are molded, our tastes formed, our ideas suggested, largely by men we have never heard of." Edward Bernays, Father of Public Relations
"The conscious and intelligent manipulation of the organized habits and opinions of the masses is an important element in democratic society. Those who manipulate this unseen mechanism of society constitute an invisible government which is the true ruling power of our country. ... We are governed, our minds are molded, our tastes formed, our ideas suggested, largely by men we have never heard of." Edward Bernays, Father of Public Relations
Company Memo FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: October 1, 2009 RE: Gala Christmas Party I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time! Merry Christmas to you and your family, Patty Company Memo _____________________________ FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: October 2, 2009 RE: Gala Holiday Party In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now? Happy Holidays to you and your family, Patty Company Memo ________________________________ FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: October 3, 2009 RE: Holiday Party Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10..00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.. REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED. Company Memo ________________________________ FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director To: All Employees DATE: October 4, 2009 RE: Generic Holiday Party What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first. There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!? Patty Company Memo ________________________________ FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All F*%^ing Employees DATE: October 5, 2009 RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes.. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, The B*tch from H*ll!!! Company Memo ________________________________ FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director DATE: October 6, 2009 RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. Happy Holidays! Joan
"The conscious and intelligent manipulation of the organized habits and opinions of the masses is an important element in democratic society. Those who manipulate this unseen mechanism of society constitute an invisible government which is the true ruling power of our country. ... We are governed, our minds are molded, our tastes formed, our ideas suggested, largely by men we have never heard of." Edward Bernays, Father of Public Relations
Poor Patty.
"An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't. ~ Anatole France
Madonna and Cher got into a big fight. They are no longer on a first name basis.
"Satan / Cheney in "08" a three legged dog walks into a bar and says "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw!"
LOL
No joke thread is complete without an aggie joke. ;-) Poor aggies.
"An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't. ~ Anatole France
a couple aggies I know took that one real personal for some reason.
And that's when the fight started. For Christmas the wife tells me she wants something shiny, sporty, and will go from 0 to 180 in 6 seconds. I handed her the present, which she opened. It was a bathroom scale. And that's when the fight started.
Better to be hated for what you are, than loved for what you are not.
No senseahumor. You got to let them know "I say, I say it's a joke son - whar's your sense a humor boy?"
"An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't. ~ Anatole France
I like those. Somebody posted a whole bunch of them a while back. I may see if I can find it.
"An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't. ~ Anatole France
And then the fight started 1. When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.... So, I took her to a gas station..... And then the fight started.... 2. My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And then the fight started.... 3. After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt". So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me". And she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too". And then the fight started..... 4. Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" And then the fight started ... 5. My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, "Do you know her?" "Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since." "My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And then the fight started..... 6. I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get so stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!" So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?" And then the fight started..... 7. I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." And then the fight started..... 8. A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment." The husband replies, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect." And then the fight started.....
"An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't. ~ Anatole France
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? A: Bruth.
"An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't. ~ Anatole France
? I don't get it.
Better to be hated for what you are, than loved for what you are not.
me neither
Ever listen to how some gay men talk? Bruce becomes Bruth.
"An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't. ~ Anatole France
Confucius say, baseball is wrong - man with four balls cannot walk.
------- Never heard of them before. They're damned good but they can't afford to take the time off to record.
Turning and turning in the widening gyre The falcon cannot hear the falconer; Things fall apart; the center cannot hold; Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world, The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere The ceremony of innocence is drowned; The best lack all conviction, while the worst Are full of passionate intensity. .... Yeats
Kelly and O'Reilly, long-time buddies, were strolling down the street when suddenly Kelly turned and started up the parish church steps. O'Reily: Where you dashin' off to? Soon Kelly was seated in the confessional. Kelly: Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. The sacrament continued for just a wee bit longer and Kelly fled back out to his pal's side. O'Reilly: Well, how'd it go? . . . Kelly: Pretty good actually, I got ten Hail Mary's, a dozen Our Father's and three good leads.
Turning and turning in the widening gyre The falcon cannot hear the falconer; Things fall apart; the center cannot hold; Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world, The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere The ceremony of innocence is drowned; The best lack all conviction, while the worst Are full of passionate intensity. .... Yeats
Heh, heh, heh.
"An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't. ~ Anatole France
Heh, heh, heh. Catholics tell the best Catholic jokes. ;-)
Turning and turning in the widening gyre The falcon cannot hear the falconer; Things fall apart; the center cannot hold; Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world, The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere The ceremony of innocence is drowned; The best lack all conviction, while the worst Are full of passionate intensity. .... Yeats
Thanks, all. ... too funny II.
Waaaaaaay too close to the truth.
Your truth may be as correct as your shoe size being "1".
ahhhhh ;)
LOL!
"An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you know and what you don't. ~ Anatole France
#2. To: All (#1)
#3. To: wudidiz, All (#2)
#4. To: All (#0)
#5. To: All (#4)
#6. To: Original_Intent, liberator, Lod, Eric Stratton, Jethro Tull, christine, tom007, mel_living, TooConservative, X-15, TwentyTwelve, Refinersfire, SonOfLiberty, Rotara, TommyTheMadArtist, abraxas, Hayek Fan, Flintlock (#0)
Things have been so serious as of late I think some fun is in order. Post your favorite jokes here.*
#7. To: Original_Intent (#2)
Rum Cake Recipe:
1 or 2 quarts rum
1 cup butter
1 teaspoon sugar
1 cup dried fruit
baking powder
1 teaspoon soda
lemon juice
brown sugar
nuts
Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. Good, isn't it? Now go ahead.
"If you love wealth more than liberty, the tranquility of servitude better than the animating contest of freedom, depart from us in peace. We ask not your counsel nor your arms. Crouch down and lick the hand that feeds you. May your chains rest lightly upon you and may posterity forget that you were our countrymen.”—Samuel Adams 
#8. To: farmfriend, All (#5)
#9. To: Rotara (#7)
Check the rum again, and bo to ged.
#10. To: Original_Intent (#2)
#11. To: Original_Intent (#2)
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."
#12. To: All (#8)
"This place is a mess! C'mon,
you and I need to clean up,
your stuff is lying on the floor and
you'll have no clothes to wear
if we don't do laundry right now!"
"blah, blah, blah, blah, C'mon
blah, blah, blah, blah, you and I
blah, blah, blah, blah, on the floor
blah, blah, blah, blah, no clothes
blah, blah, blah, blah, right now!"
#13. To: beyond the sea (#10)
He then told her, "Well, I had to call and get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area.
"If you love wealth more than liberty, the tranquility of servitude better than the animating contest of freedom, depart from us in peace. We ask not your counsel nor your arms. Crouch down and lick the hand that feeds you. May your chains rest lightly upon you and may posterity forget that you were our countrymen.”—Samuel Adams
#14. To: beyond the sea (#10)
#15. To: All (#12)
#16. To: Original_Intent (#9)
"If you love wealth more than liberty, the tranquility of servitude better than the animating contest of freedom, depart from us in peace. We ask not your counsel nor your arms. Crouch down and lick the hand that feeds you. May your chains rest lightly upon you and may posterity forget that you were our countrymen.”—Samuel Adams
#17. To: Original_Intent (#0)
#18. To: Original_Intent (#15)
LOL !
"If you love wealth more than liberty, the tranquility of servitude better than the animating contest of freedom, depart from us in peace. We ask not your counsel nor your arms. Crouch down and lick the hand that feeds you. May your chains rest lightly upon you and may posterity forget that you were our countrymen.”—Samuel Adams
#19. To: Original_Intent (#0)
#20. To: All (#18)
What's gray, eats fish, and lives in Washington, D.C.?
"If you love wealth more than liberty, the tranquility of servitude better than the animating contest of freedom, depart from us in peace. We ask not your counsel nor your arms. Crouch down and lick the hand that feeds you. May your chains rest lightly upon you and may posterity forget that you were our countrymen.”—Samuel Adams
#21. To: All (#0)
#22. To: beyond the sea (#19)
What is the best thing to do if you find a gorilla in your bed?
"If you love wealth more than liberty, the tranquility of servitude better than the animating contest of freedom, depart from us in peace. We ask not your counsel nor your arms. Crouch down and lick the hand that feeds you. May your chains rest lightly upon you and may posterity forget that you were our countrymen.”—Samuel Adams
#23. To: Rotara, Original_Intent (#18)
#24. To: beyond the sea (#19)
#25. To: Original_Intent (#21)
"Idiot!" she yelled and, from the radio, "Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States."
"If you love wealth more than liberty, the tranquility of servitude better than the animating contest of freedom, depart from us in peace. We ask not your counsel nor your arms. Crouch down and lick the hand that feeds you. May your chains rest lightly upon you and may posterity forget that you were our countrymen.”—Samuel Adams
#26. To: beyond the sea (#23)
#27. To: Original_Intent (#0)
#28. To: All (#21)
#29. To: beyond the sea (#27)
#30. To: Scrapper2, All (#29)
#31. To: All (#30)
#32. To: Original_Intent (#31)
"If you love wealth more than liberty, the tranquility of servitude better than the animating contest of freedom, depart from us in peace. We ask not your counsel nor your arms. Crouch down and lick the hand that feeds you. May your chains rest lightly upon you and may posterity forget that you were our countrymen.”—Samuel Adams
#33. To: All (#31)
#34. To: All (#33)
#35. To: Original_Intent (#0)
The best gun to have, is the gun you have, when you need a gun.
#36. To: Original_Intent (#0)
#37. To: Original_Intent (#15)
#38. To: Original_Intent (#0)
#39. To: Original_Intent (#0)
The best gun to have, is the gun you have, when you need a gun.
#40. To: IRTorqued (#39)
#41. To: Original_Intent (#0)
#42. To: TwentyTwelve (#41)
The fellow asked, "Will this help me live longer?"
"If you love wealth more than liberty, the tranquility of servitude better than the animating contest of freedom, depart from us in peace. We ask not your counsel nor your arms. Crouch down and lick the hand that feeds you. May your chains rest lightly upon you and may posterity forget that you were our countrymen.”—Samuel Adams
#43. To: Original_Intent (#0)
#44. To: Original_Intent (#0)
#45. To: Rotara (#42)
#46. To: beyond the sea, the thread (#27)
"I guess it's to hang your pants on."
#47. To: TwentyTwelve (#45)
#48. To: Itistoolate (#43)
#49. To: Original_Intent (#0)
#50. To: Christine (#0)
#51. To: Original_Intent (#47)
#52. To: TwentyTwelve (#49)
"Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's furniture ....
#53. To: TwentyTwelve (#51)
#54. To: Original_Intent (#0)
#55. To: Original_Intent (#0)
#56. To: Original_Intent (#0)
#57. To: TwentyTwelve, Anesthesiologists, all (#55)
#58. To: Jethro Tull (#57)
The newest Music Video from the Laryngospasms, who happen to be actual anesthesiologists.
#59. To: Rotara (#18)
#60. To: Original_Intent (#8)
#61. To: TwentyTwelve (#55)
"You know Doris", he whispered, "I'm beginning to think that you're nothin' but bad luck!"
#62. To: Original_Intent (#0)
#63. To: Original_Intent (#0)
#64. To: Original_Intent (#0)
#65. To: abraxas (#64)
#66. To: TwentyTwelve (#38)
#67. To: Original_Intent (#0)
The best gun to have, is the gun you have, when you need a gun.
#68. To: Original_Intent (#3)
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
"The trouble with people is not that they don't know but that they know so much that ain't so." ~ Josh Billings
#69. To: IRTorqued (#35)
#70. To: Original_Intent (#69)
The best gun to have, is the gun you have, when you need a gun.
#71. To: Original_Intent (#0)
#72. To: IRTorqued (#70)
a couple aggies I know took that one real personal for some reason.
#73. To: TommyTheMadArtist (#71)
#74. To: TommyTheMadArtist, Tom007, all (#71)
With credit to Tom007 who originally posted these.
#75. To: All (#74)
#76. To: Original_Intent (#75)
#77. To: TommyTheMadArtist (#76)
#78. To: christine, TommyTheMadArtist (#77)
#79. To: Original_Intent (#0)
(Edited)
"Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known."
-Carl Sagan.
#80. To: TwentyTwelve, Jethro Tull (#58)
The newest Music Video from the Laryngospasms, who happen to be actual anesthesiologists.
#81. To: Original_Intent (#1)
Kelly: I'm goin' to confession.
O'Reilly: Well, knowin' you as I do, good luck on the penance.
Father: How long since your last confession?
Kelly: Uh, it's been quite a while Father.
Father: Wellll OK, proceed my son.
Kelly: It's pretty bad Father. For several months I've been committing the sin of fornication and, worst of all, with one of the lasses of our own parish.
Father: Oh my, that makes it doublely scandalous. And, just who would this lass be?
Kelly: Oh Father, I could never reveal that!
Father: Hm, was it Mary Monaghan?
Kelly: No, Father.
Father: Kathleen Regan?
Kelly: Oh no Father.
Father: Well now, how about Megan McMahon?
Kelly: Father, please. I could just never reveal the poor girl's name. That would be for her to do.
#82. To: iconoclast (#81)
Pretty good actually, I got ten Hail Mary's, a dozen Our Father's and three good leads.
#83. To: Original_Intent (#82)
Pretty good actually, I got ten Hail Mary's, a dozen Our Father's and three good leads.
#84. To: Lod, Original_Intent, liberator, Eric Stratton, Jethro Tull, christine, tom007, mel_living, TooConservative, X-15, TwentyTwelve, Refinersfire, SonOfLiberty, Rotara, Buzzard, TommyTheMadArtist, abraxas, Hayek Fan, Flintlock (#46)
Too funny and a wonderful thread to read.
#85. To: christine, beyond the sea (#84)
too funny
Mike Flaherty: Yeah, it's been there a long time. I wish I knew which corner.
My Man Godfrey (1936)
#86. To: Esso (#85)
Waaaaaaay too close to the truth.
#87. To: Original_Intent (#78)
Bruce becomes Bruth
#88. To: Esso, all (#85)
a little late, but this always makes me laugh~
#89. To: christine (#88)
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