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Pious Perverts See other Pious Perverts Articles Title: Five Minutes After the Rapture Ralph: Dum de dum dum, dum de dum dum. Sam: Hey Ralph, look at all this stuff lying all over the sidewalk. Ralph: Weird…clothes, shoes, socks, keys, wallets…some guy’s dental fillings…a glass eye… an artificial leg…somebody’s heart transplant flopping around in the street…a busted-open suitcase full of martial aids…what is going on here? Sam: Maybe it’s the Rapture. I heard about it from some guys used to go to tent revival meetings, fall over backwards and start twitching and babbling. Ralph: Yeah, speaking in tongues and “getting saved.” Hillbilly kitsch. Sam: Look, a brand-new Lamborghini! Ralph: Look at this in the front seat…a $2000 custom-made suit, a toupee with a pompadour…wallet, keys…damn, it is the Rapture, and now we get all this stuff! Sam: What ID is in the wallet? Ralph: Reverend Billy Joe Bob Hargis. Look what else is here…lots of condoms, a notebook with hundreds of call girls’ telephone numbers, some amyl nitrate, a copy of "Gay Boy Toys" magazine with the pages stuck together, a butt plug… Sam: I remember reading about this guy’s house in the newspaper. Cost $20 million, a pool, helicopter, all the trimmings. Ralph: Damn! And now it’s ours! Yahoo! Sam: I heard he’s got a safe there with millions of dollars in contributions he never reported to the government. Ralph: The sheeple sure are suckers. Sam: Buncha brain-dead zombies who believe in Jesus-the-Terminator, who’s going to bring slaughter and destruction to the world because they think that’s how he’s going to save it. That’s Christian? Ralph: I always remember Jesus putting down people like that. Ah, forget them, they’re all gone. Think of all the porn and guns and booze I’ve heard this riff-raff has in his mansion! Sam: You know those Evangelical preachers. Either he’s got videos of himself and two 12-year-old blonde girls, or else it’s meth and man ass! Ralph: This is great! God really did take those crap-for-brains Evangelicals, the ones trying to return us to the 7th Century. Thank you, God, even if you never did get me that pony and toy rocket I wanted for Christmas! Sam: All fanatics of whatever religion, they’ve done nothing but impede progress. They all think they’re right and anyone who disagrees with them is evil. That’s a sure-fire recipe for disaster. Ralph: Dibs on the driver’s seat! Vroom! Satan: For those left behind it is
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#1. To: Turtle (#0)
It is amazing, the imagination of man. The Secret Rapture is found nowhere in scripture. It is complete arrogance on the part of man to think that this generation will be raptured away to Jesus as part of some reward.
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