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Pious Perverts See other Pious Perverts Articles Title: Five Minutes After the Rapture Ralph: Dum de dum dum, dum de dum dum. Sam: Hey Ralph, look at all this stuff lying all over the sidewalk. Ralph: Weird…clothes, shoes, socks, keys, wallets…some guy’s dental fillings…a glass eye… an artificial leg…somebody’s heart transplant flopping around in the street…a busted-open suitcase full of martial aids…what is going on here? Sam: Maybe it’s the Rapture. I heard about it from some guys used to go to tent revival meetings, fall over backwards and start twitching and babbling. Ralph: Yeah, speaking in tongues and “getting saved.” Hillbilly kitsch. Sam: Look, a brand-new Lamborghini! Ralph: Look at this in the front seat…a $2000 custom-made suit, a toupee with a pompadour…wallet, keys…damn, it is the Rapture, and now we get all this stuff! Sam: What ID is in the wallet? Ralph: Reverend Billy Joe Bob Hargis. Look what else is here…lots of condoms, a notebook with hundreds of call girls’ telephone numbers, some amyl nitrate, a copy of "Gay Boy Toys" magazine with the pages stuck together, a butt plug… Sam: I remember reading about this guy’s house in the newspaper. Cost $20 million, a pool, helicopter, all the trimmings. Ralph: Damn! And now it’s ours! Yahoo! Sam: I heard he’s got a safe there with millions of dollars in contributions he never reported to the government. Ralph: The sheeple sure are suckers. Sam: Buncha brain-dead zombies who believe in Jesus-the-Terminator, who’s going to bring slaughter and destruction to the world because they think that’s how he’s going to save it. That’s Christian? Ralph: I always remember Jesus putting down people like that. Ah, forget them, they’re all gone. Think of all the porn and guns and booze I’ve heard this riff-raff has in his mansion! Sam: You know those Evangelical preachers. Either he’s got videos of himself and two 12-year-old blonde girls, or else it’s meth and man ass! Ralph: This is great! God really did take those crap-for-brains Evangelicals, the ones trying to return us to the 7th Century. Thank you, God, even if you never did get me that pony and toy rocket I wanted for Christmas! Sam: All fanatics of whatever religion, they’ve done nothing but impede progress. They all think they’re right and anyone who disagrees with them is evil. That’s a sure-fire recipe for disaster. Ralph: Dibs on the driver’s seat! Vroom! Satan: For those left behind it is
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