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Title: Some Jokes I Found Today
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Published: Jan 9, 2010
Author: .
Post Date: 2010-01-09 18:31:41 by James Deffenbach
Keywords: None
Views: 192
Comments: 15
Gynecologist mechanic: The gynecologist did his best - and was amazed to find he scored 150%. "How could that be?" he asked. "Well," said the instructor, "I gave you 50% for taking the engine apart. Next, I gave you 50% for reassembling it - a fantastic job, really. And then I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the exhaust pipe." Truck driver and Lawyers: A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers. Whenever he saw a lawyer walking down the side of the road he would swerve to hit him, enjoy the load, satisfying "THUMP", and then swerve back onto the road. One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?" "I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest. "No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer." "I know", replied the priest. "Lucky I got him with the door!" A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little boy next door. The little boy is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. He is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says "Hey little boy. What are you doing?" The little boy says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!" The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little boy that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says. "Thanks mister", says the little boy. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little boy has tied the dog to the wagon by its testicles. "Little boy", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster." The little boy says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!" Nerds: This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying 'Nerds Not Allowed -- Enter At Your Own Risk!' He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him. "You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?" "I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I'm hauling." "Okay, truck drivers are not nerds," he says and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver is totally shocked. "Why did you do that?" "Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license." The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, killing several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season," says the truck driver. "Well, sure," says the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em." The Aussie There was an Aussie guy driving his truck in the Australian outback. And 'cos he's in the Aussie outback he has a roo-bar on the front of his truck in case he hits something. Suddenly he hits something big. He radio's into his station and says 'Hey guys, I've got a pig stuck in my roo-bar, how do I get it out?' They radio back to him saying 'Cut the stomach open and the guts will fall out.' He does this, then radios back in, 'Hey guys, I've got another problem...' 'What's that?' 'What do I do with the motorcycle and the helmet?' Low Bridge Ahead A trucker driving along on the freeway notices a road sign in the distance that reads 'Low Bridge Ahead.' Sure enough, the trucker gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police officer arrives at the scene. The cop gets out of his cruiser and walks around to the truck driver. He puts his hands on his hips and remarks, "Looks like you got stuck, huh?" The trucker replies sarcastically, "No, officer, actually I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas!" The Thumb This truck driver sits down in a diner and orders dinner. When the waitress brings his plate, he notices that she has got her thumb in his mashed potatoes. He says, "Hey, you've got your thumb in my mashed potatoes." The waitress replies, "The doctor said I have arthritis and I should keep my thumb warm." The truck driver says, "Well you dumb bitch, why don't you stick your thumb up your ass!" She says, "I do when I'm in the kitchen......"
A gynecologist was getting tired of his job and decided to switch careers. He'd always enjoyed tinkering with truck engines, so he enrolled in a school for truck mechanics. When the class ended the students were given their final exam: strip a truck engine completely and reassemble it in perfect working order.
Junior fireman:
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#1. To: All (#0)
Cop and Beer A cop pulls a guy over for weaving across two lanes of traffic. He walks up to the driver's window and asks, "You drinkin'?" The driver said, "You buyin'?" A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the road and told the blonde to stand in the circle and not move. He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh, you think that's funny? Watch this." He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires. Now she's laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down. "What's so funny?" The truck driver asked the blonde. She replied, "When you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle 4 times." ... A Roadway driver is driving east on Route 66 he sees a truck driving west and the CB crackles to life ." Hey Roadway driver whos the two biggest poofs in America?" comes from the CB. The Roadway driver replies . "I don't know" . The other trucker says " You and your brother." Well the Roadway driver gets all annoyed but the other driver tells him "Its just a joke - tell it to the next truck you see." Well the Roadway driver drives for about an hour an finally sees another truck .he gets on the CB and says " Hey other truck do you know who the two biggest poofs in the world are?" The other trucker says " I don't know who?" The roadway driver replies " Me and my brother" Liberty is not a means to a higher political end. It is itself the highest political end. I bet that really happened! lol
If this Globe gets any Warmer, I'll fucking freeze to death!!
Yeah, it sounds like something that could have happened.
Liberty is not a means to a higher political end. It is itself the highest political end. deleted
The relationship between morality and liberty is a linear one.
Glad you liked it. I thought that one was pretty good.
Liberty is not a means to a higher political end. It is itself the highest political end. And I am even more certain this really happened, lol: A cop pulls a guy over for weaving across two lanes of traffic. He walks up to the driver's window and asks, "You drinkin'?" The driver said, "You buyin'?"
If this Globe gets any Warmer, I'll fucking freeze to death!!
a guy buys a parrot from the pet store, the clerk tells him in order for the parrot to speak he'll have file a bit off his beak but don't file too much or the parrot will not be able to eat and die. Yeah. I have seen people drunk enough to ask a cop that.
Liberty is not a means to a higher political end. It is itself the highest political end. LOL!
Liberty is not a means to a higher political end. It is itself the highest political end. I was watching one of those fly-on-the-wall police shows where a cop pulled a trucker over under the suspicion of being DWI, the cop was trying to get him to walk in a straight line, but the trucker refused, when the cop asked why he was refusing, the trucker explained he was too drunk to do it! lol Not as fun in Ireland and the UK - they just get you to blow into a bag. lol
If this Globe gets any Warmer, I'll fucking freeze to death!!
LOL! That's like a Monty Python sketch with a heavy dose of Johnny Knoxville! ;)
If this Globe gets any Warmer, I'll fucking freeze to death!!
True story. At least the guy who related it to me told me it was. The guy who told me this story ran his truck hard and as a result almost always had time to spare. One day he noticed the DOT had another trucker pulled over and since his logbook was up to date and he had time he stopped to check out what was going on. DOT guy told the driver he had stopped to get out of the truck and bring his log book with him. And the guy who told me about it said he could tell from as far away as he was that the guy was high on speed when he got out of the truck (eyes gave it away). And the one the DOT had stopped told the DOT guy, "What log book? I ain't hauling logs, I'm hauling a load of steel!" ahaha.
Liberty is not a means to a higher political end. It is itself the highest political end. LOL! Reminds me a bit of Johnny Horton's Rock Island Line!
If this Globe gets any Warmer, I'll fucking freeze to death!!
51 years ago...... Fifty-one years ago today, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap............ . . . The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
I think this little guy saw him running past.
Liberty is not a means to a higher political end. It is itself the highest political end.
Angry Truck Driver
Lord Acton
#2. To: James Deffenbach (#0)
The trucker replies sarcastically, "No, officer, actually I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas!"
#3. To: irishthatcherite (#2)
Lord Acton
#4. To: James Deffenbach (#0)
#5. To: Eric Stratton (#4)
Lord Acton
#6. To: James Deffenbach (#3)
Yeah, it sounds like something that could have happened.
#7. To: James Deffenbach (#0)
three days later the guy goes back to the pet store and exclaims the parrot died, the clerk says you must have filed too much off it's beak. the guy says I didn't file anything off it's beak it died before I was done clamping it's head in the vice.
The best gun to have, is the gun you have, when you need a gun.
#8. To: irishthatcherite (#6)
Lord Acton
#9. To: IRTorqued (#7)
Lord Acton
#10. To: James Deffenbach (#8)
Yeah. I have seen people drunk enough to ask a cop that.
#11. To: IRTorqued (#7)
#12. To: irishthatcherite (#10)
I was watching one of those fly-on-the-wall police shows where a cop pulled a trucker over under the suspicion of being DWI, the cop was trying to get him to walk in a straight line, but the trucker refused, when the cop asked why he was refusing, the trucker explained he was too drunk to do it! lol
Lord Acton
#13. To: James Deffenbach (#12)
(Edited)
"What log book? I ain't hauling logs, I'm hauling a load of steel!" ahaha.
#14. To: James Deffenbach (#0)
#15. To: randge (#14)
Lord Acton
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