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Miscellaneous See other Miscellaneous Articles Title: Some Jokes I Found Today Gynecologist mechanic: The gynecologist did his best - and was amazed to find he scored 150%. "How could that be?" he asked. "Well," said the instructor, "I gave you 50% for taking the engine apart. Next, I gave you 50% for reassembling it - a fantastic job, really. And then I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the exhaust pipe." Truck driver and Lawyers: A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers. Whenever he saw a lawyer walking down the side of the road he would swerve to hit him, enjoy the load, satisfying "THUMP", and then swerve back onto the road. One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?" "I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest. "No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer." "I know", replied the priest. "Lucky I got him with the door!" A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little boy next door. The little boy is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. He is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says "Hey little boy. What are you doing?" The little boy says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!" The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little boy that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says. "Thanks mister", says the little boy. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little boy has tied the dog to the wagon by its testicles. "Little boy", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster." The little boy says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!" Nerds: This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying 'Nerds Not Allowed -- Enter At Your Own Risk!' He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him. "You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?" "I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I'm hauling." "Okay, truck drivers are not nerds," he says and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver is totally shocked. "Why did you do that?" "Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license." The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, killing several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season," says the truck driver. "Well, sure," says the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em." The Aussie There was an Aussie guy driving his truck in the Australian outback. And 'cos he's in the Aussie outback he has a roo-bar on the front of his truck in case he hits something. Suddenly he hits something big. He radio's into his station and says 'Hey guys, I've got a pig stuck in my roo-bar, how do I get it out?' They radio back to him saying 'Cut the stomach open and the guts will fall out.' He does this, then radios back in, 'Hey guys, I've got another problem...' 'What's that?' 'What do I do with the motorcycle and the helmet?' Low Bridge Ahead A trucker driving along on the freeway notices a road sign in the distance that reads 'Low Bridge Ahead.' Sure enough, the trucker gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police officer arrives at the scene. The cop gets out of his cruiser and walks around to the truck driver. He puts his hands on his hips and remarks, "Looks like you got stuck, huh?" The trucker replies sarcastically, "No, officer, actually I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas!" The Thumb This truck driver sits down in a diner and orders dinner. When the waitress brings his plate, he notices that she has got her thumb in his mashed potatoes. He says, "Hey, you've got your thumb in my mashed potatoes." The waitress replies, "The doctor said I have arthritis and I should keep my thumb warm." The truck driver says, "Well you dumb bitch, why don't you stick your thumb up your ass!" She says, "I do when I'm in the kitchen......" 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#7. To: James Deffenbach (#0)
a guy buys a parrot from the pet store, the clerk tells him in order for the parrot to speak he'll have file a bit off his beak but don't file too much or the parrot will not be able to eat and die.
LOL! That's like a Monty Python sketch with a heavy dose of Johnny Knoxville! ;)
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