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Miscellaneous See other Miscellaneous Articles Title: Ole Massa and Slave John From Roy Blount's Book of Southern Humor You know befo' surrender Ole Massa had a nigger named John and John always prayed every night befo' he went to bed and his prayer was for God to come git him and take him to Heaven right away. He didn't even want to take time to die. He wanted de Lawd to come git him just like he was--boot, sock and all. He'd git down on his knees and say: "O Lawd, it's once more and again yo' humble servant is knee bent and body-bowed--my heart beneath my knees and my knees in some lonesome valley, crying for mercy while mercy kin be found. O Lawd, Ah'm astin' you in de humblest way I know how to be so pleased as to come in yo' fiery chariot and take me to yo' Heben and its immortal glory. Come Lawd, you know I have such a hard time. Ole Massa works me so hard, and don't gimme no time to rest. So come, Lawd, wid peace in one hand and pardon in de other and take me away from this sin-sorrowing world. Ah'm tired and Ah want to go home." So one night Ole Massa passed by John's shack and heard him beggin' de Lawd to come git him in his fiery chariot and take him away; so he made up his mind to find out if John meant dat thing. So he goes on up to de big house and got hisself a bed sheet and come on back. He throwed de sheet over his head and knocked on the door. John quit prayin' and ast: "Who dat?" Ole Massa say: "It's me, John, de Lawd, done come wid my fiery chariot to take you away from this sin-sick world." Right under de bed John had business. He told his wife; "Tell Him Ah ain't here, Liza." At first Liza didn't say nothin' at all, bet de Lawd kept right on callin' John. "Come on, John, and go to Heben wid me where you won't have to plough no mo' furrows and hoe no mo' corn. Come on, John." Liza says: "John ain't here, Lawd, you hafta come back another time." Lawd says: "Well, then Liza, you'll do." Liza whispers and says: "John, come out from underneath dat bed and g'wan wid de Lawd. You been beggin' him to come git you. Now g'wan wid him." John back under de bed not sayin' a mumblin' word. De Lawd out on de door step kept on callin'. Liza says: "John, Ah thought you was so anxious to get to Heben. Come out and go on wid God." John says: "Don't you hear him say 'You'll do'? Why don't you go wid him?" "Ah ain't a goin' nowhere. Youse de one been whoopin' and hollerin' for him to come git you and if you don't come out from under dat bed Ah'm gointer tell God youse here." Ole Massa makin' out he's God, says: "Come on, Liza, you'll do." Liza says: "O, Lawd, John is right here underneath de bed." "Come on, John, and go to Heben wid me and its immortal glory." John crept out from under de bed and went to de door and cracked it and when he seen all dat white standin' on de doorsteps he jumped back. He says: "O, Lawd, Ah can't go to Heben wid you in yo' fiery chariot in dese ole dirty britches; gimme time to put on my Sunday pants." "All right, John, put on yo' Sunday pants." John fooled around as long as he could, changing them pants, but when he went back to de door, de big white glory was still standin' there. So he says agin: "O, Lawd, de Good Book says in Heben no filth is found and I got on dis dirty sweaty shirt. Ah can't go wid you in dis old nasty shirt. Gimme time to put on my Sunday shirt!" "All right, John, go put on yo' Sunday shirt." John took and fumbled around a long time changing his shirt, and den he went back to de door, but Ole Massa was still on de doorstep. John didn't had nothin' else to change so he opened de door a little piece and says: "O, Lawd, I'm ready to go to Heben wid you in yo' fiery chariot, but de radiance of yo' countenance is so bright, Ah can't come out by you. Stand back jus' a li'l way, please." Ole Massa stepped back a li'l bit. John looked out agin and says: "O, Lawd, you know dat po' humble me is less than de dust beneath yo' shoe soles. And de radiance of yo' countenance is so bright. Ah can't come out by you. Please, please, Lawd, in yo' tender mercy, stand back a li'l bit further." Ole Massa stepped back a li'l bit mo'. John looked out agin and he says: "O, Lawd, Heben is so high and wese so low; youse so great and Ah'm so weak and yo' strength is too much for us poor sufferin' sinners. So once mo' and agin yo' humble servant is knee-bent and body-bowed askin' you one mo' favor befo' Ah step into yo' fiery chariot to go to Heben wid you and wash in yo' glory--be so pleased in yo' tender mercy as to stand back just a li'l bit further." Ole Massa stepped back a step or two mo' amd out dat door John come like a streak of lightnin'. All across de punkin' patch, thru de cotton over de pasture--John wid Ole Massa right behind him. By de time dey hit de cornfield John was way ahead of Ole Massa. Back in de shack one of de children was cryin' and she ast Liza: "Mama, you reckon God's gointer ketch papa and carry him to Heben wid him?" "Shet yo' mouf, talkin' foolishness!" Liza clashed at de chile. "You know de Lawd can't outrun yo' pappy--specially when he's barefooted at dat."
Poster Comment: If I remember correctly the book this was in came out sometime in the mid 90's and as for any kind of exact date I have no idea.
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