4um: The Innate Supremacism of the Anti-Racist Movement

I recently penned an article entitled “I Love Pakis” (links NSFW) about how adorable East Indian immigrants are. The title was purposely idiotic and this was made clear in the opening. “It’s obviously an ignorant word,” I explained. That’s what racial epithets are—“American soldiers called the Vietnamese ‘gooks’ because they didn’t differentiate from the Koreans they had fought 20 years earlier.”

This satirical attack lampooning the inaccuracy of the word and its simultaneous praise of Indians got a lot of good response from the Brown Community. “You actually made Indians sound cool—which ain’t easy,” joked Amit Nerurkar. “I thought it was a riot,” echoed Nutan Khanna and “You forgot that we often stink” quipped Ashok Bhawan. Unfortunately, the White Community was not amused, especially across the pond where it was published on a UK site called Platform. Within hours, the phenomenally redundant “Love Music Hate Racism” told editors, “If you want a campaign launched against your racist irony, you can do nothing. If you want to avoid that, you’ll take the idiot thing down and issue a genuine, unironic apology to all those you’ve offended. Your choice.” Platform complied because they “couldn’t afford to lose even one advertiser.”

So, now Amit can’t forward an amusing article to his Indian friends because a white man has deemed it For Nobody’s Eyes Only. Our editor, Arvind Dilwar, later sent the organization a thank you letter for protecting him. This was meant to showcase the absurdity of white people fighting other’s battles but the folks at LMHR don’t really care what Arvind thinks. This isn’t really about Pakis. It’s about whites telling other whites what to do. It reminds me of the SHARPs (Skinheads Against Racial Prejudice) in my neighborhood fighting Nazi skinheads as the oblivious immigrant grocer looked on wondering why teenagers undergoing chemotherapy hate each other so much. Though today’s Freedom Riders would like to feel as relevant as they were half a century ago, they’re the only ones left on the bus. In that sense, it’s more Whites Only than ever. The result is a strange form of Western Superiority where we control everything and it’s our responsibility to fix it. If the Ugandan Right wants to make homosexuality illegal, it’s American evangelicals’ fault for putting that idea into their crazy heads. Instead of recognizing that we didn’t start slavery, we ended it (as Buchanan points out) we’re meant to apologize to the entire planet if it rains on somebody’s birthday. It’s all our problem or as Martin Luther King said in his Letter from a Birmingham Jail, “Never again, can we afford to live with the narrow, parochial, ‘outside agitator’ idea.” All right then, let’s agitate! No. Who said that?

When asked to employ this same mentality to criticize other cultures we’re told, you can’t change a people from without. They need to do it themselves, from within. If it can’t be pinned on the West, it’s not for us to judge. Nigerian babies being shot to test the Ju Ju man who made them invincible, South African children being raped to cure AIDS, and Burundi albinos being dismembered for good luck, are all examples of the difference that makes us stronger, or something. Honor Killings (where a woman is murdered by a close family member for trivial matters like not marrying the right person) is another place the Justice League has deemed too cultural to touch. In 1997, 300 women were killed in one Gaza province for shaming their families. Two thirds of all murders in Jordan are for Honor. 23 women die every year in Lebanon, 52 in Egypt. In Yemen 400 women had to be killed for being embarrassing in 1997. The list goes on. Can we agitate yet? Nope.

I always ask liberals what they think of the movie The Stoning of Soraya M and the few who have seen it tell me it’s a racist portrayal of the Middle East. If I start to bombard them with numbers like the ones listed above, they flush their accusation down the toilet and admit all they can do is talk about what they know and what they know is here. I thought 9-11 made it clear that “there” is no longer that far from “here” or, as Ayaan Hirsi Ali says in her new book Nomad, “Islam creates dysfunctional families and these distorted families constitute a real threat to the very fabric of Western life.” She’s allowed to say that because she’s an inside agitator but where did all the outside ones go? Isn’t the real agenda of anti-racists: “I prefer criticizing people who look like my dad and getting into the real nitty gritty of Human Rights makes me uncomfortable”?

72;One easy way to paint these multiculturalists into a corner is to ask, “What if a nine-year-old girl was being circumcised in the next apartment? She’s screaming in horror. Do you call the cops?” This is where they usually employ the abortion argument and say making it illegal will only drive it further underground. If you try to use their own logic against them and say abortion is a necessity where circumcisions never are, the flushing begins again and one magic word emerges from the bowl—“Education.” Apparently all we have to do to prevent barbaric customs is give them a book. “Here, read about the Bionic Woman. She’d never allow her labia to be shorn.” Problem solved. Irshad Manji has a much simpler solution. If you practice female circumcision, you can’t come here and if I can do anything to prevent it happening over there, I will (She’s the one who told me the King quote by the way). Why does the Left give everyone else different rules? Can’t we “launch a campaign” against Islam’s misogynist tyranny?

One can only conclude form this kind of reasoning that, when we do something as insignificant as use a silly word, we need to be shut down immediately but when other cultures disfigure, maim, dismember and kill, they need education. The inevitable conclusion groups like Love Music Hate Racism have brought us is the West is superior and the rest of the world is full of ignorant fools who can’t think for themselves. With all due respect to people I don’t respect, I’m going to have to reject that notion and embrace true egalitarianism. Namely, I hate everybody equally (except Pakis).

I LOVE PAKIS — 10 REASONS WHY

Note: This article was written for a British site and they all gasped when I suggested the title, especially the Paki editor. If it was just for this site I wouldn’t have qualified shit.

“Oh nothing, just sailing a 12-headed cobra across the ocean while towing a three-headed kid through the clouds with my umbilical cord. What are you up to?”

“Paki” is a racial epithet that includes basically everyone in East Asia despite the fact that it’s an abbreviation of the word “Pakistani.” It’s obviously an ignorant word. That’s the point. American soldiers called the Vietnamese “gooks” because they didn’t differentiate from the Koreans they had fought 20 years earlier. Though Paki is like a nuclear bomb in Britain, it has about the same impact as “honky” in America. This is because British people have a politically correct pickle shoved so far up their ass, it’s actually touching their brain.

I’m not actually bananas about Pakistanis. They tend to be religious and put Santa Cloud above family, country, and all the other stuff that makes being alive fun. They’re also not exactly hilarious. Here in New York, most cabbies are Pakistanis and riffing with them is like trying to get a freestyle rap out of a mortician.

No. When I say, “I love Pakis” I’m speaking strictly about Indian immigrants. Here are ten reasons why I love them so much:

1. THEY’RE NOT RELIGIOUS
Sure they pretend to worship some blue elephant that lives on a pillow and they burn incense under some crazy bitch with 300 arms, but they don’t believe it the way Christians and Muslims do. Ganesh doesn’t have a stance on abortion doctors and he isn’t going to tell you what pictures you’re allowed to have in your house. Indian gods are more like very ornate pop stars and they’re more for telling stories to kids than damning anyone to hell. Do Indians even have a hell? I bet they don’t.

2. THEY’RE FUNNY
Did we teach them that? How’d they get so good at humor? It’s a pretty culturally specific trait for a foreigner to pull off. Even whites like Russians threw up their hands a long time ago. Pakis, on the other hand, could meet Richard Pryor on the train and zing him with three humdingers before they got to the next stop. They’re just, I don’t know, groovy.

For example, some cuntfucker of a civil servant closed the waterfall I drove an hour to get to the other day with my kids and when an Indian dad came over to ask me why it was closed, I told him I couldn’t get into it or my blood pressure would go through the roof. He instantly goes, “Gotta keep it in the range, eh buddy?” Then he does an exhaling gesture with his arms and laughs saying, “Keep it in the ra-a-a-ange.” What are we, best friends smoking pot together in high school? This off-the-dome good-vibe humor happens approximately 100% of the time I riff with an East Indian stranger.

3. THEY ADD JOBS
I’d never want to go to India. I hear stepping out the plane is like stepping into an oven and by the time your feet hit the tarmac, you have diarrhea. I’m not talking about India here, so don’t tell me how their tech support shit is stealing our jobs. I’m talking about Indian immigrants and they do the opposite of take jobs: They add them. They open a convenience store right down the street and sell us all the shit we forgot to buy at the grocery store. Thanks dude, you rock. Why can’t all immigrants be this convenient?

4. THEY ASSIMILATE
When white people go to Japan, they assimilate so hardcore that Japanese people wonder how their buddy’s eyes got so round. Conversely, an American driving test has to be in a dozen languages (not exaggerating) and it wasn’t unusual to see immigrants in Britain dancing with glee on September 11th. Not Indians. “Can I ask you something buddy,” they’ll say. “What is Judas Priest?’” Indians sip tea, listen to classical and could give a fuck who their kids marry as long as the wedding is so balls-out, it gives epileptics seizures.

5. THE WOMEN ARE HOT
I guess MIA is Sri Lankan but we’re talking about looks here, and genetically she’s inseparable from an Indian chick. Look at her motherfucking face! What is she, an 11? Her lips look like bee-stung cartoons. Her nose looks like a lion’s and her eyes are two dark sex caves that explode with these huge Bambi eyelashes like it’s the 4th of July.

6. THE FOOD IS DELICIOUS
Most non-Western food is as far beyond disgusting as it is far away. Authentic Chinese food is so bizarre and gross, Buddha invented vegetarianism just to put a cap on how weird it could get. Not Indian food: big, huge pieces of delicious bread soaking up 10 million different sauces with cheese and peas and some lamb on a stick. It may be a one-way ticket to the shitter in India, but when combined with Western health codes, Indian food is a culinary jamboree. Oh yeah, it’s dirt-cheap too.

7. THEY DON’T BITCH ABOUT GENOCIDE
Maybe it’s because they’re technically Asian and they have some of that saving-face thing going on, but did you even know they had a civil war? Most of us just assumed the Muslims packed their bags and went north to newly-formed Pakistan while all the Hindus happily did the opposite. Wrong. It was a fucking gorefest where entire trains of people going in both directions were beheaded, dismembered, and burned alive. While the rest of us like to have memorials, show revolting photographs, and cry in the street about the past, Indians would rather toast you with some Johnny Walker and move on.

8. THEY ALL SPEAK ENGLISH
In India, all government business is done in English. By the time they get here, the only thing they can’t say is vodka, violin, and “very nearly bilingual.” Shit, they can even learn English in Glasgow and say jokes like, “He couldnee get his hole in a barrel of fannies.” When my American wife watches that show, she has to watch it with subtitles because she cannot understand one word.

9. THE MUSIC IS COOL
What’s it called, bhangra? When Jay Z recorded that song with Punjabi MC, all of New York City stopped what they were doing, walked outside, looked at the sky, and said, “Howe Lee… Shit.” When those guys Firewater get all Paki, it’s also very enjoyable.

10. THEY ALL LOOK LIKE ME WITH A TAN
I am about 20% better looking with a tan. Pakis are born that way. They resemble me if I lived in Costa Rica year round, surfing all day and getting full body massages all night. I’m sure Mauris with facial tattoos are great guys, but all I can see is a muscular crusty punk. East Indian immigrants look exactly like white people after a vacation and they act like it too. God bless ‘em (the real God — not the cobra surfer).

-GAVIN McINNES

Outstanding article! Hilarious, it must have taken you a coon's age to put all those links in.

I use firefox, I just nabbed all the source HTML I wanted, it was easy since article(s) used hardcoded links instead of that dot dot backward slashers crap.

Seems to be the only option, given Me vs Big Picture as the only plot I've uncovered thusfar. :)