Limbaugh, Rush *
» Political commentator, radio host, college drop-out, alleged closet homosexual, and, as recently revealed, synthetic heroin drug addict, Rush Hudson Limbaugh III is probably the best known neocon personality in American radio.
Born in Cape Girardeau, MO, in 1951, Limbaugh spent many of his formative years pursuing a career in radio.
After using his pilonidal cyst - a congenital birth defect - to avoid military service in the Vietnam War, Limbaugh briefly worked for radio stations in Pittsburgh, PA and Kansas City, MO. Fired from both jobs, he worked as a wiener salesman for the KC Royals baseball franchise, eventually slithering back into the radio business.
In 1971 Limbaugh attended Southeastern Missouri University, where, according to reports, he had a brief but heated affair with Elliot Sanders. So gay is Limbaugh, guarantees Sanders, that, "none of his marriages was ever consummated."
Many of Limbaugh's fans staunchly deny the man's alleged homosexuality, and Limbaugh himself says the rumors are politically motivated lies. However, one is forced to doubt Limbaugh, who has a history of denying and balking at rumors that are later revealed to be true. His pilonidal cyst, his pseudonymous career in Pittsburgh radio, and his addiction to Oxycontin are all facts which Limbaugh initially denied or concealed.
After more failed stints with Missouri radio stations Limbaugh moved to Sacramento, CA, where he met and became "friends" with Norm Woodruff, a flamboyant, openly gay man with a great deal of influence in the local radio scene. Woodruff, who mentored Limbaugh in the ways of affluence and elitism (traits Rush mocks today), would later died of AIDS.
Through his ties to Woodruff Limbaugh was given Morton Downey, Jr.'s spot on KFBK News Talk 1530 a.m. Within twelve months Limbaugh had become the most popular radio personality in Sacramento. In 1988 he signed on with EFM Media Management, working from New York City.
For a short while Limbaugh plateaued, until the success and enormous popularity of a Democratic president provided him with a reason to whine.
The popularity and charisma of President Clinton enabled Limbaugh's hate-filled show to appeal to millions of bitter American conservatives. Limbaugh's unique combination of prevarication and histrionics provided a sense of unity for otherwise incompatible demographics, such as Klansmen and Wall Street stock brokers.
For years Limbaugh fooled his audiences into believing his whining was something much more noble.
By the mid-90's Limbaugh's promoters had co-opted his show to enough nationwide syndicates to claim Limbaugh was the "most popular radio personality" in the country. Technically this was false. However, the free handout out of Limbaugh's show to any station that wanted it resulted in Limbaugh being the most listened-to man on a.m. radio.
Inspired by Clinton-induced vitriol, Limbaugh paid a ghostwriter to author for him See, I Told You So (1992), Nanny Nanny, Boo Boo (1993), and I'm Rubber. You're Glue. Whatever You Say Bounces off Me and Sticks to You (1994).
After miserably failing on television, Limbaugh spiraled into depression, eventually becoming addicted to pain pills prescribed to him for his pilonidal cyst (a.k.a. "Butt Boil"). For nearly eight years Limbaugh abused Hydrocodone, a synthetic, stronger version of heroin.
In effect, Limbaugh spent nearly a decade stoned off his bleeding backside, and ultimately built up his tolerance to levels requiring dozens of pills per day in order to, as Limbaugh once confided in his maid, "get my buzz on."
A textbook example of the damning effects of drug abuse, Limbaugh's addiction precipitated a swift drop in weight, deafness in both ears, and a marked decline in mental faculties. He also became increasingly paranoid - requiring his provider to meet him at night behind restaurants, next to dumpsters, where he'd hand over cigar boxes stuffed with "cabbage" (cash) in exchange for some "little baby blues" (pills). Limbaugh's desperation peaked in 2003, when he groped his provider in an attempt to check her for a wire tap.
By late 2003 the whole world knew of Limbaugh's drug addiction, though by virtue of their lack of character the majority of his fan base remained loyal listeners. Limbaugh's show remained popular, despite the rapid rise of Liberal Talk Show host Al Franken and the dogged attempts by the Bush administration to shut down long time talk show staple Howard Stern.
In May 2004 Rush's third wife, Marta, grew tired of never having sex with her allegedly closeted homosexual of a husband, and so asked for a divorce. Limbaugh complied after his desperate wife agreed to never reveal the true nature of Rush's sexual perversion.
P.T.
In 2001 a Federal investigation into a Hydrocodone/Vicodin trafficking ring implicated Rush Limbaugh, who continued abusing the illicit drug for two and a half more years.
Seen here performing his daily radio show, Limbaugh is able to base his claims of popularity on the fact that his radio program is free to any station that wants it.
Rush's desks have been known to break down after just two weeks of Limbaugh pounding his fists into them.
* See legal disclaimer below
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Here, in his "Jeff Christie" phase, Rush Limbaugh worked under an assumed identity, as do many self- loathing, closeted homosexuals. After being arrested for soliciting a gay man in Pittsburgh, Limbaugh was fired from KQV radio, according to numerous sources.
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This site is in no way associated with Rush Limbaugh or http://www.Biography.com. All material herein is intended as parody. Any similarity in format or "personnel" is purely satirical.
If you're looking for a good case of the Red-Ass, then sue away. I can always use new material.
One of many rumors about Limbaugh that turned out to be true was his exploitation of a minor birth defect - a pilonidal cyst - to avoid service in Vietnam.
To listen to Limbaugh lie to Greg, a caller from Orlando, FL, about the way he avoided serving in Vietnam, click here.
In mid-2004 Rush and his third wife, Marta Limbaugh, filed for divorce. A British source has recently learned that Marta agreed to avoid disclosing Rush's closeted homosexuality, or penchant for child pornography, in exchange for a hefty divorce settlement.
Poster Comment:
Tell me it ain't so, Rush