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Title: Turtle’s Guide to Amazing Popularity with Girls
Source: Unclebob's Treehouse
URL Source: [None]
Published: Aug 15, 2010
Author: Bob Wallace
Post Date: 2010-08-15 13:42:26 by Turtle
Keywords: None
Views: 4300
Comments: 57

When I went away to college one of the guys who lived in the apartment across the hall told me he had once been turned down ten times in a row asking women to dance at a nightclub.

I got the impression the women were trying to kill him. Ostracizing people and solitary confinement have always been the worst of punishments, worse than flogging but not as bad as crucifixion. “Why don’t you just die?!?!?” is what they were telling him.

And all he was asking for was a dance.

I’ve always remembered what happened to him, just the way I remembered a woman who told me she had been asked out by seven guys one weekend. Talk about an imbalance. Something’s very wrong here.

I rapidly decided this imbalance was a bunch of nonsense and I was going to have no part of it. I had actually tried that dinner/movie/date stuff and thought, “Who invented this crap?”

Once, when I was about 20, one of my friends told me, “You know, you look just like one of those Cro-Magnon guys in the paintings.” His girlfriend chimed in and seconded him. “He’s right; you do.”

I looked at the painting in the book and looked in the mirror. Damn, he was right. I looked Cro-Magnon. Maybe even a little Neanderthal.

So I decided, fine, I look like a caveman, maybe I should act like one.

So, one day, when I was 21, I decided to try something different. I was living in an old house, in a room. It had a weird lock, with a latch on top. Push it one way, and when you closed the door, it locked. Push it the other way, and even if you closed the door it didn’t lock.

So I pushed the latch so it would lock, left the door ajar, went into the living room (I lived in a co-ed house), and asked the girl in there (who was by herself) if she would stand up for a minute because “I want to show you something.”

When she did, I picked her up, threw her over my shoulder (“What are you doing?!?!”) took her in my room, kicked the door shut (locked) with my heel and threw her on my bed, then jumped on her.

“What are you doing? Who do you think you are? You’re not going to touch me!” All empty words.

I ended up having my way with her with no problem at all. Although she wanted to – yech! – talk afterward, interfering with me trying to sleep.

Incidentally, this caveman stuff doesn’t work with fat girls, since I couldn’t pick them up, not that I ever tried.

I used this technique seven times, and it worked every time. Most of the girls I continued to see for a little while.

Obviously it works to kidnap a woman, caveman-style. Maybe John Norman is right with all that Slave Girls of Gor stuff.

Most women are not rational. They don’t even know what they want. But I found out, by trial and error, what worked and what didn’t. And it didn’t cost me a cent.

Besides, it worked for Clark Cable in “Gone with the Wind.”

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#18. To: abraxas, Turtle (#17)

No, they learned this behavior from gay men.

Turtle is gay?????

Wait til I tell James, Jethro and all the other MEN.

Cynicom  posted on  2010-08-15   14:46:47 ET  Reply   Trace   Private Reply  


#19. To: Cynicom, Turtle (#14)

Jab him again before he runs away, whining.

Turtle is so emotional, sensitive and prone to hysteria. : )

"The conscious and intelligent manipulation of the organized habits and opinions of the masses is an important element in democratic society. Those who manipulate this unseen mechanism of society constitute an invisible government which is the true ruling power of our country. ... We are governed, our minds are molded, our tastes formed, our ideas suggested, largely by men we have never heard of." Edward Bernays, Father of Public Relations

abraxas  posted on  2010-08-15   14:46:52 ET  Reply   Trace   Private Reply  


#20. To: abraxas (#17)

You know that's a fact.

It is NOT!

90% of women are irrational and shouldn't be allowed to vote.

“How many Sex and the City fans have funneled all their maternal instincts into their Chinese bulldog without even noticing their ovaries have expired?”

Turtle  posted on  2010-08-15   14:47:49 ET  Reply   Trace   Private Reply  


#21. To: abraxas (#19)

Turtle is so emotional, sensitive and prone to hysteria. : )

Nope, that's girls.

No guy ever aked if his pants made his butt look big, or whined, "You don't love me anymore!"

Ha ha! Pwned again!

“How many Sex and the City fans have funneled all their maternal instincts into their Chinese bulldog without even noticing their ovaries have expired?”

Turtle  posted on  2010-08-15   14:49:27 ET  Reply   Trace   Private Reply  


#22. To: Cynicom (#18)

Turtle is gay?????

Turtle is a Manly Man!

Richards Simmons is gay.

“How many Sex and the City fans have funneled all their maternal instincts into their Chinese bulldog without even noticing their ovaries have expired?”

Turtle  posted on  2010-08-15   14:50:22 ET  Reply   Trace   Private Reply  


#23. To: Turtle (#15)

Suffocating in not fair!

Hey you ASKED for it.


"Every Person born within the limits of the United States, and subject to their jurisdiction, is by virtue of natural law and national law a citizen of the United States. This will not, of course, include persons born in the United States who are foreigners, aliens, who belong to the families of ambassadors or foreign ministers accredited to the Government of the United States, but will include every other class of persons.
Senator Jacob Howard, Co-author of the citizenship clause of the 14th Amendment, 1866.

farmfriend  posted on  2010-08-15   14:52:50 ET  Reply   Trace   Private Reply  


#24. To: farmfriend (#23)

Hey you ASKED for it.

Ha! I asked for a fair stand-up fight, not being suffocated under a ton.

“How many Sex and the City fans have funneled all their maternal instincts into their Chinese bulldog without even noticing their ovaries have expired?”

Turtle  posted on  2010-08-15   14:54:20 ET  Reply   Trace   Private Reply  


#25. To: Turtle, Cynicom (#22)

Turtle is a Manly Man!

You have an insulating shell, that does not make you a man.


"Every Person born within the limits of the United States, and subject to their jurisdiction, is by virtue of natural law and national law a citizen of the United States. This will not, of course, include persons born in the United States who are foreigners, aliens, who belong to the families of ambassadors or foreign ministers accredited to the Government of the United States, but will include every other class of persons.
Senator Jacob Howard, Co-author of the citizenship clause of the 14th Amendment, 1866.

farmfriend  posted on  2010-08-15   14:54:23 ET  Reply   Trace   Private Reply  


#26. To: Turtle (#22)

Lod  posted on  2010-08-15   14:54:39 ET  Reply   Trace   Private Reply  


#27. To: Turtle (#24)

Ha! I asked for a fair stand-up fight, not being suffocated under a ton.

Fine I'll come alone. Who you going to bring to make it a fair fight?


"Every Person born within the limits of the United States, and subject to their jurisdiction, is by virtue of natural law and national law a citizen of the United States. This will not, of course, include persons born in the United States who are foreigners, aliens, who belong to the families of ambassadors or foreign ministers accredited to the Government of the United States, but will include every other class of persons.
Senator Jacob Howard, Co-author of the citizenship clause of the 14th Amendment, 1866.

farmfriend  posted on  2010-08-15   14:55:01 ET  Reply   Trace   Private Reply  


#28. To: Lod (#26)

I never understood why he was so popular with women. Straight men find him just unbearable.

“How many Sex and the City fans have funneled all their maternal instincts into their Chinese bulldog without even noticing their ovaries have expired?”

Turtle  posted on  2010-08-15   14:56:16 ET  Reply   Trace   Private Reply  


#29. To: Turtle (#20)

90% of women are irrational and shouldn't be allowed to vote.

This is only the women who pay you attention, Turtle. I agree, those crazy women shouldn't be allowed to vote.

Luckily, we are only talking about a handful of women in the entire population. Usually they are doing a forced sabatical in the cave (mental institution) when the elections come around so there's no need to drag in nanny state to keep them from voting.

"The conscious and intelligent manipulation of the organized habits and opinions of the masses is an important element in democratic society. Those who manipulate this unseen mechanism of society constitute an invisible government which is the true ruling power of our country. ... We are governed, our minds are molded, our tastes formed, our ideas suggested, largely by men we have never heard of." Edward Bernays, Father of Public Relations

abraxas  posted on  2010-08-15   14:56:32 ET  Reply   Trace   Private Reply  


#30. To: farmfriend (#27)

Fine I'll come alone. Who you going to bring to make it a fair fight?

Just me and my bare knuckles.

You don't stand a chance!

“How many Sex and the City fans have funneled all their maternal instincts into their Chinese bulldog without even noticing their ovaries have expired?”

Turtle  posted on  2010-08-15   14:57:15 ET  Reply   Trace   Private Reply  


#31. To: abraxas (#29)

This is only the women who pay you attention, Turtle. I agree, those crazy women shouldn't be allowed to vote.

Most women are natural socialists, vote Democrat and shouldn't be allowed to vote or drive.

So there!

“How many Sex and the City fans have funneled all their maternal instincts into their Chinese bulldog without even noticing their ovaries have expired?”

Turtle  posted on  2010-08-15   14:59:06 ET  Reply   Trace   Private Reply  


#32. To: Turtle, Lod (#28)

I never understood why he was so popular with women. Straight men find him just unbearable.

I never could stand the man.


"Every Person born within the limits of the United States, and subject to their jurisdiction, is by virtue of natural law and national law a citizen of the United States. This will not, of course, include persons born in the United States who are foreigners, aliens, who belong to the families of ambassadors or foreign ministers accredited to the Government of the United States, but will include every other class of persons.
Senator Jacob Howard, Co-author of the citizenship clause of the 14th Amendment, 1866.

farmfriend  posted on  2010-08-15   14:59:11 ET  Reply   Trace   Private Reply  


#33. To: Turtle (#30)

Just me and my bare knuckles.

You don't stand a chance!

The turtle is clueless.


"Every Person born within the limits of the United States, and subject to their jurisdiction, is by virtue of natural law and national law a citizen of the United States. This will not, of course, include persons born in the United States who are foreigners, aliens, who belong to the families of ambassadors or foreign ministers accredited to the Government of the United States, but will include every other class of persons.
Senator Jacob Howard, Co-author of the citizenship clause of the 14th Amendment, 1866.

farmfriend  posted on  2010-08-15   15:00:04 ET  Reply   Trace   Private Reply  


#34. To: farmfriend (#33)

The turtle is clueless.

I'll even tie one hand behind my back to make it fair.

“How many Sex and the City fans have funneled all their maternal instincts into their Chinese bulldog without even noticing their ovaries have expired?”

Turtle  posted on  2010-08-15   15:07:02 ET  Reply   Trace   Private Reply  


#35. To: Turtle (#34)

I'll even tie one hand behind my back to make it fair.

Spoil my fun. I wanted to tie you up.


"Every Person born within the limits of the United States, and subject to their jurisdiction, is by virtue of natural law and national law a citizen of the United States. This will not, of course, include persons born in the United States who are foreigners, aliens, who belong to the families of ambassadors or foreign ministers accredited to the Government of the United States, but will include every other class of persons.
Senator Jacob Howard, Co-author of the citizenship clause of the 14th Amendment, 1866.

farmfriend  posted on  2010-08-15   15:11:52 ET  Reply   Trace   Private Reply  


#36. To: Turtle (#31)

Most women are natural socialists, vote Democrat and shouldn't be allowed to vote or drive.

You have never been to the great states of Montana or Idaho have you?

Women there bitch slap socialists and drive over turtles for pleasure. : )

"The conscious and intelligent manipulation of the organized habits and opinions of the masses is an important element in democratic society. Those who manipulate this unseen mechanism of society constitute an invisible government which is the true ruling power of our country. ... We are governed, our minds are molded, our tastes formed, our ideas suggested, largely by men we have never heard of." Edward Bernays, Father of Public Relations

abraxas  posted on  2010-08-15   15:14:30 ET  Reply   Trace   Private Reply  


#37. To: abraxas (#36)

Women there bitch slap socialists and drive over turtles for pleasure. : )

LOL


"Every Person born within the limits of the United States, and subject to their jurisdiction, is by virtue of natural law and national law a citizen of the United States. This will not, of course, include persons born in the United States who are foreigners, aliens, who belong to the families of ambassadors or foreign ministers accredited to the Government of the United States, but will include every other class of persons.
Senator Jacob Howard, Co-author of the citizenship clause of the 14th Amendment, 1866.

farmfriend  posted on  2010-08-15   15:16:41 ET  Reply   Trace   Private Reply  


#38. To: abraxas (#36)

drive over turtles for pleasure. : )

They don't have any turtles up there, just sheep...nervous sheep.

“How many Sex and the City fans have funneled all their maternal instincts into their Chinese bulldog without even noticing their ovaries have expired?”

Turtle  posted on  2010-08-15   15:17:22 ET  Reply   Trace   Private Reply  


#39. To: Turtle, abraxas (#38)

They don't have any turtles up there, just sheep...nervous sheep.

I got a smilie for that.


"Every Person born within the limits of the United States, and subject to their jurisdiction, is by virtue of natural law and national law a citizen of the United States. This will not, of course, include persons born in the United States who are foreigners, aliens, who belong to the families of ambassadors or foreign ministers accredited to the Government of the United States, but will include every other class of persons.
Senator Jacob Howard, Co-author of the citizenship clause of the 14th Amendment, 1866.

farmfriend  posted on  2010-08-15   15:18:07 ET  Reply   Trace   Private Reply  


#40. To: Turtle, 4 (#28)

I never understood why he was so popular with women.

My theory is that gays are no threat to women, and they're just one of the girls.

Lod  posted on  2010-08-15   15:19:03 ET  Reply   Trace   Private Reply  


#41. To: Turtle (#38)

They don't have any turtles up there,

Plenty of turtles in those parts.

When I was a sweet young girl, prior to becoming a bitch slapping and turtle smashing woman, I used to save the turtles in the hot summer days that were trapped in between the train tracks. I'd trudge down the tracks and throw them back in the pond to save their little turtle lives. True story.

Today, I rue my turtle saving days. ; )

"The conscious and intelligent manipulation of the organized habits and opinions of the masses is an important element in democratic society. Those who manipulate this unseen mechanism of society constitute an invisible government which is the true ruling power of our country. ... We are governed, our minds are molded, our tastes formed, our ideas suggested, largely by men we have never heard of." Edward Bernays, Father of Public Relations

abraxas  posted on  2010-08-15   15:20:56 ET  Reply   Trace   Private Reply  


#42. To: Lod (#40)

My theory is that gays are no threat to women, and they're just one of the girls.

No threat? They come with some very bad habits that the women don't need to indulge in. It's amplified drama. If you think women are drama filled, throw a gay into the group and watch the drama drastically increase.

"The conscious and intelligent manipulation of the organized habits and opinions of the masses is an important element in democratic society. Those who manipulate this unseen mechanism of society constitute an invisible government which is the true ruling power of our country. ... We are governed, our minds are molded, our tastes formed, our ideas suggested, largely by men we have never heard of." Edward Bernays, Father of Public Relations

abraxas  posted on  2010-08-15   15:23:45 ET  Reply   Trace   Private Reply  


#43. To: Lod (#40)

My theory is that gays are no threat to women, and they're just one of the girls.

He's just too bizarre to for me to take seriously.

“How many Sex and the City fans have funneled all their maternal instincts into their Chinese bulldog without even noticing their ovaries have expired?”

Turtle  posted on  2010-08-15   15:24:08 ET  Reply   Trace   Private Reply  


#44. To: abraxas (#41)

Today, I rue my turtle saving days. ; )

No you don't. You'd do it again.

“How many Sex and the City fans have funneled all their maternal instincts into their Chinese bulldog without even noticing their ovaries have expired?”

Turtle  posted on  2010-08-15   15:24:50 ET  Reply   Trace   Private Reply  


#45. To: Turtle (#44)

No you don't.

What part of RUE don't you understand? lol.....

"The conscious and intelligent manipulation of the organized habits and opinions of the masses is an important element in democratic society. Those who manipulate this unseen mechanism of society constitute an invisible government which is the true ruling power of our country. ... We are governed, our minds are molded, our tastes formed, our ideas suggested, largely by men we have never heard of." Edward Bernays, Father of Public Relations

abraxas  posted on  2010-08-15   15:34:15 ET  Reply   Trace   Private Reply  


#46. To: Cynicom, Turtle (#3)

What utter drivel.

What would the day be without the Turtle dumping a few pantloads of bs (or should I say ts?) on the board?

Liberty is not a means to a higher political end. It is itself the highest political end.
Lord Acton

He (Gordon Duff) also implies that forcibly removing Obama, a Constitution-hating, on-the-down-low, crackhead Communist, is an attack on America, Mom, and apple pie. I swear these military people are worse than useless. Just look around at the condition of the country and tell me if they have fulfilled their oaths to protect the nation from all enemies foreign and domestic.
OsamaBinGoldstein posted on 2010-05-25 9:39:59 ET (2 images) Reply Trace

James Deffenbach  posted on  2010-08-15   16:11:49 ET  Reply   Trace   Private Reply  


#47. To: abraxas (#42)

No threat? They come with some very bad habits that the women don't need to indulge in. It's amplified drama. If you think women are drama filled, throw a gay into the group and watch the drama drastically increase.

"I'm gonna take all y'all to court behind this."

Liberty is not a means to a higher political end. It is itself the highest political end.
Lord Acton

He (Gordon Duff) also implies that forcibly removing Obama, a Constitution-hating, on-the-down-low, crackhead Communist, is an attack on America, Mom, and apple pie. I swear these military people are worse than useless. Just look around at the condition of the country and tell me if they have fulfilled their oaths to protect the nation from all enemies foreign and domestic.
OsamaBinGoldstein posted on 2010-05-25 9:39:59 ET (2 images) Reply Trace

James Deffenbach  posted on  2010-08-15   16:14:22 ET  Reply   Trace   Private Reply  


#48. To: James Deffenbach (#47)

lol.....we need a class action against those psychic friends.

"The conscious and intelligent manipulation of the organized habits and opinions of the masses is an important element in democratic society. Those who manipulate this unseen mechanism of society constitute an invisible government which is the true ruling power of our country. ... We are governed, our minds are molded, our tastes formed, our ideas suggested, largely by men we have never heard of." Edward Bernays, Father of Public Relations

abraxas  posted on  2010-08-15   16:18:43 ET  Reply   Trace   Private Reply  


#49. To: Cynicom, Turtle, abraxas (#18)

I would have never believed Turtle was gay with all that posting about how all the wimmins just luvs him to death and how he can't hardly keep them beat off with a stick. Oh the humanity, a gay Turtle!

Liberty is not a means to a higher political end. It is itself the highest political end.
Lord Acton

He (Gordon Duff) also implies that forcibly removing Obama, a Constitution-hating, on-the-down-low, crackhead Communist, is an attack on America, Mom, and apple pie. I swear these military people are worse than useless. Just look around at the condition of the country and tell me if they have fulfilled their oaths to protect the nation from all enemies foreign and domestic.
OsamaBinGoldstein posted on 2010-05-25 9:39:59 ET (2 images) Reply Trace

James Deffenbach  posted on  2010-08-15   16:20:16 ET  Reply   Trace   Private Reply  


#50. To: Lod (#26)

Richard Simmons' Party Off the Pounds

Liberty is not a means to a higher political end. It is itself the highest political end.
Lord Acton

He (Gordon Duff) also implies that forcibly removing Obama, a Constitution-hating, on-the-down-low, crackhead Communist, is an attack on America, Mom, and apple pie. I swear these military people are worse than useless. Just look around at the condition of the country and tell me if they have fulfilled their oaths to protect the nation from all enemies foreign and domestic.
OsamaBinGoldstein posted on 2010-05-25 9:39:59 ET (2 images) Reply Trace

James Deffenbach  posted on  2010-08-15   16:22:28 ET  Reply   Trace   Private Reply  


#51. To: abraxas (#48)

lol.....we need a class action against those psychic friends

and turtles.

Liberty is not a means to a higher political end. It is itself the highest political end.
Lord Acton

He (Gordon Duff) also implies that forcibly removing Obama, a Constitution-hating, on-the-down-low, crackhead Communist, is an attack on America, Mom, and apple pie. I swear these military people are worse than useless. Just look around at the condition of the country and tell me if they have fulfilled their oaths to protect the nation from all enemies foreign and domestic.
OsamaBinGoldstein posted on 2010-05-25 9:39:59 ET (2 images) Reply Trace

James Deffenbach  posted on  2010-08-15   16:23:27 ET  Reply   Trace   Private Reply  


#52. To: James Deffenbach (#51)

and turtles.

No need for litigation when we can just run those turtles over. lol

"The conscious and intelligent manipulation of the organized habits and opinions of the masses is an important element in democratic society. Those who manipulate this unseen mechanism of society constitute an invisible government which is the true ruling power of our country. ... We are governed, our minds are molded, our tastes formed, our ideas suggested, largely by men we have never heard of." Edward Bernays, Father of Public Relations

abraxas  posted on  2010-08-15   16:29:28 ET  Reply   Trace   Private Reply  


#53. To: abraxas (#41)

Today, I rue my turtle saving days. ; )

It's a good thing that you have repented of your misdeeds of the past.

Liberty is not a means to a higher political end. It is itself the highest political end.
Lord Acton

He (Gordon Duff) also implies that forcibly removing Obama, a Constitution-hating, on-the-down-low, crackhead Communist, is an attack on America, Mom, and apple pie. I swear these military people are worse than useless. Just look around at the condition of the country and tell me if they have fulfilled their oaths to protect the nation from all enemies foreign and domestic.
OsamaBinGoldstein posted on 2010-05-25 9:39:59 ET (2 images) Reply Trace

James Deffenbach  posted on  2010-08-15   16:33:03 ET  Reply   Trace   Private Reply  


#54. To: abraxas (#52)

He's probably got roaches of the liver like Shirley Q. ahaha.

Liberty is not a means to a higher political end. It is itself the highest political end.
Lord Acton

He (Gordon Duff) also implies that forcibly removing Obama, a Constitution-hating, on-the-down-low, crackhead Communist, is an attack on America, Mom, and apple pie. I swear these military people are worse than useless. Just look around at the condition of the country and tell me if they have fulfilled their oaths to protect the nation from all enemies foreign and domestic.
OsamaBinGoldstein posted on 2010-05-25 9:39:59 ET (2 images) Reply Trace

James Deffenbach  posted on  2010-08-15   16:34:58 ET  Reply   Trace   Private Reply  


#55. To: abraxas (#45)

What part of RUE don't you understand? lol.....

Fibber. You'd still save the turtles, and you know it.

“How many Sex and the City fans have funneled all their maternal instincts into their Chinese bulldog without even noticing their ovaries have expired?”

Turtle  posted on  2010-08-16   13:14:35 ET  Reply   Trace   Private Reply  


#56. To: James Deffenbach (#49)

a gay Turtle!

There are no gay turtles. All turtles are heterosexual, and have been for one hundred million years!

“How many Sex and the City fans have funneled all their maternal instincts into their Chinese bulldog without even noticing their ovaries have expired?”

Turtle  posted on  2010-08-16   13:17:44 ET  Reply   Trace   Private Reply  


#57. To: Turtle (#56)

There are no gay turtles. All turtles are heterosexual, and have been for one hundred million years!

But do you have roaches of the liver like poor ol' SQL?

Liberty is not a means to a higher political end. It is itself the highest political end.
Lord Acton

He (Gordon Duff) also implies that forcibly removing Obama, a Constitution-hating, on-the-down-low, crackhead Communist, is an attack on America, Mom, and apple pie. I swear these military people are worse than useless. Just look around at the condition of the country and tell me if they have fulfilled their oaths to protect the nation from all enemies foreign and domestic.
OsamaBinGoldstein posted on 2010-05-25 9:39:59 ET (2 images) Reply Trace

James Deffenbach  posted on  2010-08-16   13:19:45 ET  Reply   Trace   Private Reply  


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