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Title: Five Minutes After the Rapture
Source:
Unclebob's Treehouse
URL Source: [None]
Published: Aug 23, 2010
Author: Bob Wallace
Post Date: 2010-08-23 11:18:34 by Turtle
Keywords: None
Views: 1517
Comments: 36
Ralph: Dum de dum dum, dum de dum dum. Sam: Hey Ralph, look at all this stuff lying all over the sidewalk. Ralph: Weird…clothes, shoes, socks, keys, wallets…some guy’s dental fillings…a glass eye… an artificial leg…somebody’s heart transplant flopping around in the street…a busted-open suitcase full of martial aids…what is going on here? Sam: Maybe it’s the Rapture. I heard about it from some guys used to go to tent revival meetings, fall over backwards and start twitching and babbling. One guy's cowboy boots flew off. Ralph: Yeah, speaking in tongues and “getting saved.” Hillbilly kitsch. Sam: Look, a brand-new Lamborghini! Ralph: Look at this in the front seat…a $2000 custom-made suit, a toupee with a pompadour…wallet, keys…damn, it is the Rapture, and now we get all this stuff! Sam: What ID is in the wallet? Ralph: Reverend Billy Joe Bob Hargis. Look what else is here…lots of condoms, a notebook with hundreds of call girls’ telephone numbers, some amyl nitrate, a copy of "Gay Boy Toys" magazine with the pages stuck together, a butt plug…I think he was sitting on it. Sam: I remember reading about this guy’s house in the newspaper. Cost $20 million, a pool, helicopter, all the trimmings. Ralph: Damn! And now it’s ours! Yahoo! Sam: I heard he’s got a safe there with millions of dollars in contributions he never reported to the government. Ralph: The sheeple sure are suckers. Sam: Buncha brain-dead zombies who believe in Jesus-the-Terminator, who’s going to bring slaughter and destruction to the world because they think that’s how he’s going to save it. That’s Christian? Ralph: I always remember Jesus putting down people like that. Ah, forget them, they’re all gone. Think of all the porn and guns and booze I’ve heard this riff-raff has in his mansion! Sam: You know those Evangelical preachers. Either he’s got videos of himself and two 12-year-old blonde girls, or else it’s meth and man ass! Ralph: This is great! God really did take those crap-for-brains Evangelicals, the ones trying to return us to the 7th Century. Thank you, God, even if you never did get me the pony and the bong I wanted for Christmas! Sam: All fanatics of whatever religion, they’ve done nothing but impede progress. They all think they’re right and anyone who disagrees with them is evil. That’s a sure-fire recipe for disaster. Ralph: Dibs on the driver’s seat! Vroom! Satan: For those left behind it is. You want an ice cube?
Reverend Billy Joe Bob Hargis: You call this the Rapture?
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Begin Trace Mode for Comment # 22.
#3. To: Turtle (#0)
The full-sized placemat I have lusted after, I must confess. Imagine dining in style off these fine examples of apocalyptic chic.
Somehow this reminds me of an old Al Jaffee painting in MAD magazine. He liked to do elaborate scenes of things going terribly wrong with a Norman Rockwell-esque slice-of-life style.
#26. To: PnbC (#22)
I have an aunt who is coming to visit. She actually lives in Sherman TX where this Bible Believers Association is located. I may email her husband and see if he will score me a set of those awesome placemats if they still have any in stock.
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#22. To: TooConservative (#3)
Replies to Comment # 22. Somehow this reminds me of an old Al Jaffee painting in MAD magazine. He liked to do elaborate scenes of things going terribly wrong with a Norman Rockwell-esque slice-of-life style.
End Trace Mode for Comment # 22.