4um: The 5 PLASTIC ARMY MEN Least Useful In Combat

Title: The 5 PLASTIC ARMY MEN Least Useful In Combat
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Published: Oct 3, 2010
Author: unknown
Post Date: 2010-10-03 07:18:40 by wudidiz
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Just The Facts

If you didn't have Plastic Army Men growing up, you turned out to be a sociopath.
If you're saying "well, that's not true!" or "but we were poor!" right now, you should know denial and justification are both sociopathic traits.
Authorities have been notified.

Cracked on Plastic Army Men

Back in the days where youngsters had legs and a shape, one of the best ways to entertain yourself was with little plastic army men: Even today, roughly half of all grown men cannot help but see trenches in the garden walls and cliffsides in tree roots. These little soldiers, sometimes based on actual national armies, watched their friends die face down in the mud for this patch of sidewalk. They taught us all about tiny duty, itty-bitty honor, wee sacrifice and bite-sized heroism.

Some people took the lessons literally.

The Rules of the Game

For a toy that's been around so long, there surprisingly still seems to be no consensus on what the rules (if any) are for Plastic Army Men battles.

Though after a particularly vicious barrage of "yuh-uhs" and "nuh-huhs," these are the general outlines we eventually agreed on:

Both sides have to have an equal team. One guy can't have all the grenade throwers and machine gunners while the other just has a squad of people pointing to their left.
The only exception being if one side has a base. If that's the case, the person who has the base has less soldiers. This works well if there are only 5 yellows, but 15 greens.
The game progresses by pointing at one of your soldiers, or grabbing him, and making the appropriate sound effect. The power and effectiveness of each soldier is based entirely on how good your sound effects are.
When you've done the correct sound effect, you then tell the other player who got killed. This is accomplished by grabbing the other person's guy, making a sound that signals death ("uurggh") and knocking him over.
The other player can challenge this death if he thinks that the kill was unrealistic.

Some common challenges:

No - he can't die because he was behind this stick.
Why are you making machine gun noises when he's got a flame-thrower?
No but wait, my tank got in the way (move tank in the way).
You can't kill him because he's my captain and you can't kill captains because they're stronger than the others and anyway he's on a secret mission so actually your guy is shooting at nothing because my captain is hiding and he's only pretending to be dead.
You're stupid.

Some common rebuttals:

No, you're stupid.

The rules, as stated above, worked well with me until the age of about 11 or 12, when we discovered Lady Finger fire crackers, and imitation napalm.

At that point we would set up our massive armies and then standing behind the armies, we would toss lady fingers at each other's troops until all of one side were knocked down.

When that got boring, squirt a line of gas among the men and toss lit matches at it until the "napalm" sets off, melting the evil enemy.* For more realism, take a plastic model airplane, light the wing tips on fire, and the flaming, melting drips of plastic dripping from the tips would set off the napalm as we flew them over the battle field by hand.**

*Do not try this at home. We were trained professionals.
**Doubly dangerous, do not try at home without adult supervision.

We used to leave the army men where they stood and settle it with dirt clod battles.

The second dumbest creature on the face of the earth is the one who cannot recognize its enemies. The most stupid of all is the one who will defend and collaborate with the very enemies that are destroying it and its own kind. -Ben Klassen

U.S. Constitution - Article IV, Section 4: NO BORDERS + NO LAWS = NO COUNTRY

I used to make parachutes for them out of handerchiefs, set them on fire and throw them in the air so they would float screaming in flames to the earth.

“In the world we have the Baddie-Do-Badders and the Goodie-Do-Gooders. More often than not it is the Goodie-Do-Gooders who cause the most harm to themselves and their fellow human beings.”

Did any of the binocular guys make it into Toy Story? If so they they have the last laugh!

"It does not take a majority to prevail, but rather an irate, tireless minority, keen on setting brush fires of freedom in the minds of men." -- Samuel Adams (1722-1803)‡