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Title: Great-Grandmother Hospitalizes Six TSA ‘Perverts’
Source:
The Sudden Curve
URL Source: [None]
Published: Nov 28, 2010
Author: Bob Wallace
Post Date: 2010-11-28 13:47:37 by Turtle
Keywords: None
Views: 1100
Comments: 35
FROSTBITE FALLS MN – The federal government has declined to press charges against Ruth "Grammy" Gordon, an 87-year-old wheelchair-bound great-grandmother who hospitalized what she called “six TSA sex perverts” after an altercation with them last week, in which she claimed one tried to sexually molest her and the rest tried to assault her. "Justice has been served," said the 85-pound mother of three, grandmother of six and great-grandmother of one, as she sat in her wheelchair, aided in her breathing by an oxygen bottle. "Now I'm going to sue every fool in the federal government for ignorance, stupidity, and just plain general incompetence. I'm an American, and I won't be treated like this." The problem began last week as Gordon attempted to board an airplane at the Rocket J. Squirrel Airport in Frostbite Falls. "These guys are supposed to be some kind of professionals," she said, "but they're dumber than rocks. This ‘security’ is all just lousy theater, and any quarter-witted terrorist could find a way around it.” Gordon said the problems started when a “fat guy with a crewcut, tattoos and a hostile look told me he was going to feel my breasts and my mommy parts to see if I had bombs hidden in them. You know what? I don’t think so.” Gordon said she got the startle of her life when she realized the person “trying to grope me wasn’t a man! Buncha perverts! Where do they get these people? Did they empty some sex pervert prison somewhere?” Gordon said she then defended herself against this attempted sexual assault. Videotapes showed that she ran the guard down with her motorized wheelchair, then sat on top of the screaming woman while spinning her chair in circles. "Doofus was so fat she couldn't get up," said Gordon with a giggle. Another guard who attempted to pull Gordon's wheelchair off of the screaming woman from behind was hit over the head with an oxygen bottle and knocked unconscious. A third guard, who approached Gordon from the front, was also left dazed on the floor, with a lump on his forehead. Witnesses said she was cackling, "Put your hands on an old lady, will you?" as she pounded both downed guards unmercifully with her bottle. The tape also showed a fourth guard attempting to grab Gordon's wheelchair. Gordon removed a knitting needle from her purse and stabbed him in his left buttock. "What a wimp," she told reporters. "He started screaming and grabbing his butt and running like a puppy that someone kicked. And he ran off with my favorite knitting needle stuck in his fat ass." "It was amazing," said another witness, Boris Badanov, who declined to give any information about himself except that he worked in the animation industry. "The whole crowd just stood there cheering and clapping. I mean, she opened a big can of whoop-ass on them,” he said. A fifth guard that attempted to grab Gordon had the seat of his pants set on fire with a cigarette lighter she had in her purse. "Zippos are the best for this sort of work,” Gordon said with a big smile. “The pervert just went whoosh across the concourse, screaming and slapping at all these flames flying out of his rear. They must give these people really cheap uniforms.” The sixth and last guard approached Gordon with a raised fist. "I think that was the wrong thing to do," said another witness, who declined to be identified. "She just grabbed him by his greasy hair with one hand and punched him – “ “ – right in the gonads,” Gordon finished. “If they think they can assault my private parts, I’ll return the favor. And I got him in both of them with one punch.” “The guard got all cross-eyed,” the unnamed witness noticed. “Then he bent over with his hands over his frank and beans, fell on his side, curled up in the fetal position and started moaning. She really got medieval on his – uh, this nut.” After all the ruckus was over, Gordon's chair was still sitting on top of the first guard. The tapes clearly showed her leaning over and yelling, "Apologize to me, you fat ugly sumbitch, or when I'm done with you you'll just be a greasy spot on the floor!" As the crowd roared with laughter, the guard cried, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Uncle! I won't do it again! I promise! Please let me up!" Finally, Gordon surrendered without further incident, and was taken to jail and released on her own recognizance. "We didn't have any choice," said an unidentified officer of the court. "Over 5000 people showed up to support her. I think if we had demanded bail, there would have been a riot." Over 20 lawyers offered to defend her for free. However, realizing the precariousness of the case, the feds decided to not charge Gordon with anything. "I doubt there's a jury in the whole country that would have found her guilty of any charge, especially after we found all six guards had police records we didn’t notice when they were hired," said a sweating TSA official who wished to remain anonymous. All six TSA agents were released from the hospital after their injuries were treated, immediately terminated from their TSA positions, and arrested on outstanding warrants ranging from indecent exposure to lewd conduct in a public restroom to bestiality resulting in the death of a farmyard animal. “We believe it was a chicken,” said a source who wished to remain anonymous. "I'm flying again tomorrow," Gordon told reporters. "And I suggest no one at the airport so much as look at me wrong. And if they think they’re going to search my three-year-old great-granddaughter for bombs in her panties, they better think twice about that, too. Otherwise, another six perverts are going to get beaten up." .
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#1. To: Turtle (#0)
This would be a wonderful story if it had actually happened.
Liberty is not a means to a higher political end. It is itself the highest political end. He (Gordon Duff) also implies that forcibly removing Obama, a Constitution-hating, on-the-down-low, crackhead Communist, is an attack on America, Mom, and apple pie. I swear these military people are worse than useless. Just look around at the condition of the country and tell me if they have fulfilled their oaths to protect the nation from all enemies foreign and domestic. One of your absolute, all-time, best. Thanks for re-posting; it's a joy to read.
A heart warming holiday tale about life in 21st Century America just in time for the Christmas season.
We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. - Aesop
It's not a repost; it's a rewrite and an update.
"If ever this vast country is brought under a single government, it will be one of the most extensive corruption, indifferent and incapable of a wholesome care over so wide a spread of surface. This will not be borne, and you will have to choose between reform and revolution. If I know the spirit of this country, the one or the other is inevitable." - Thomas Jefferson
That's ALL of them!!!! I didn't know you could DO that!!! Make it a Class Action!
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The relationship between morality and liberty is a directly proportional one. "Only a virtuous people are capable of freedom. As nations become corrupt and vicious, they have more need of masters." - Ben Franklin
Not a repost, but a rewrite and an update, as I wrote about. BTW, the first one became an urban legend, debunked by Snopes, got me over 300 emails, was read on the Neil Bortz show, and got me an interview onk the Carl Wigglesworth show. You may all it inane; I call it envy.
"If ever this vast country is brought under a single government, it will be one of the most extensive corruption, indifferent and incapable of a wholesome care over so wide a spread of surface. This will not be borne, and you will have to choose between reform and revolution. If I know the spirit of this country, the one or the other is inevitable." - Thomas Jefferson
Eric... Turtles stuff is never inane.
Goofy, perhaps. Farmfriend and Abraxas might consider me a goober.
"If ever this vast country is brought under a single government, it will be one of the most extensive corruption, indifferent and incapable of a wholesome care over so wide a spread of surface. This will not be borne, and you will have to choose between reform and revolution. If I know the spirit of this country, the one or the other is inevitable." - Thomas Jefferson
Only moderately gooberish when you and Cyni get into the Pug v. Cat jawing. Still, it's entertaining, and a nice break from the crap of the day.
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The relationship between morality and liberty is a directly proportional one. "Only a virtuous people are capable of freedom. As nations become corrupt and vicious, they have more need of masters." - Ben Franklin
Eric... Yes Sir, for real. Turtle is one of those rare people that one runs into but once or twice in life. Exasperation and Turtle go hand in hand, BUT that frustration comes from not understanding what he is, who he is and most importantly what he is up to. Now and again we get to peek behind that facade he wears, not often, but when we do you understand Turtle. Yes, he is insufferable.
One has to keep an eye on turtle as he will chew on your pants leg and wet in your shoe.
Please don't give him any ideas.
I thought he did other things to shoes. Don't we have multiple videos?
Tough women come from New York, sweet women from Texas, prissy women from Southern California, but we NORTHERN CALIFORNIA WOMEN have fire & ice in our blood. We can ride 4-wheelers, be a princess, throw a left hook, pack heat, hunt with the men, bake a cake, love with passion, and if we have an opinion, you know you're going to hear it!! Yes we do, just horrible. It is all due to his decadent lifestyle.
Farmfriend and Abraxas might consider me a goober. "One of the least understood strategies of the world revolution now moving rapidly toward its goal is the use of mind control as a major means of obtaining the consent of the people who will be subjects of the New World Order." K.M. Heaton, The National Educator
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The relationship between morality and liberty is a directly proportional one. "Only a virtuous people are capable of freedom. As nations become corrupt and vicious, they have more need of masters." - Ben Franklin
I see a contradiction there. Otherwise, perhaps I've missed most of his substantive posts, but I rarely see any coming from him. Contradiction??????? Good heavens no. I try to not say anything nice about turtle in public. However, fear not, you are not the only one here that is unable fathom The Turtle.
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The relationship between morality and liberty is a directly proportional one. "Only a virtuous people are capable of freedom. As nations become corrupt and vicious, they have more need of masters." - Ben Franklin
Eric... The majority of the time, Turtle is entertaining us, or baiting us, or conning us, now and again on rare occasions, the real Turtle steps forward with a masterpiece of intellectual endeavor, of which few on 4um can match. As he sits there reading this, he is laffing up his sleeve. If and when he gives birth to another thinking mans epistle, I will be sure to bring it to your attention.
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The relationship between morality and liberty is a directly proportional one. "Only a virtuous people are capable of freedom. As nations become corrupt and vicious, they have more need of masters." - Ben Franklin
Eric... Good heavens, what must I do or say in order to budge you from such a fixed position????? Do you have a sour tummy this morning, someone crossed your path, you are in a grinch mode???? Its a bright world out there, really it is, men of good cheer are the majority, the evil ones hide in the shadows, so open up. Maybe you need a good belt or two????? Whatever it takes.
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The relationship between morality and liberty is a directly proportional one. "Only a virtuous people are capable of freedom. As nations become corrupt and vicious, they have more need of masters." - Ben Franklin
Now I will feel bad all day.
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The relationship between morality and liberty is a directly proportional one. "Only a virtuous people are capable of freedom. As nations become corrupt and vicious, they have more need of masters." - Ben Franklin
I was hoping this really happened! lol
Solutions for Ireland. Say NO to the IMF/World bank. Default on our debt. Print our own debt free currency. Nationalise the trillion euros worth of gas and oil off our west coast. Take back our fishing (200 billion worth). Get our farmers growing again. Done deal if our politicians had the backbone. ~ Jim Corr
"Oh, oh! You're the best! More! More! You're hung like an armadillo!" "Beige...I think I'll paint the ceiling beige..."
"If ever this vast country is brought under a single government, it will be one of the most extensive corruption, indifferent and incapable of a wholesome care over so wide a spread of surface. This will not be borne, and you will have to choose between reform and revolution. If I know the spirit of this country, the one or the other is inevitable." - Thomas Jefferson
I know...it would have been nice.
"If ever this vast country is brought under a single government, it will be one of the most extensive corruption, indifferent and incapable of a wholesome care over so wide a spread of surface. This will not be borne, and you will have to choose between reform and revolution. If I know the spirit of this country, the one or the other is inevitable." - Thomas Jefferson
Be quiet, stop exposing me.
"If ever this vast country is brought under a single government, it will be one of the most extensive corruption, indifferent and incapable of a wholesome care over so wide a spread of surface. This will not be borne, and you will have to choose between reform and revolution. If I know the spirit of this country, the one or the other is inevitable." - Thomas Jefferson
lol........this one is great!! : )
"The conscious and intelligent manipulation of the organized habits and opinions of the masses is an important element in democratic society. Those who manipulate this unseen mechanism of society constitute an invisible government which is the true ruling power of our country. ... We are governed, our minds are molded, our tastes formed, our ideas suggested, largely by men we have never heard of." Edward Bernays, Father of Public Relations
hehehehe......I love that one!!
"The conscious and intelligent manipulation of the organized habits and opinions of the masses is an important element in democratic society. Those who manipulate this unseen mechanism of society constitute an invisible government which is the true ruling power of our country. ... We are governed, our minds are molded, our tastes formed, our ideas suggested, largely by men we have never heard of." Edward Bernays, Father of Public Relations
YEEEEEEEEEEE HAWWWWWWW! Ride'm Cowgirl! Hee, hee, hee.
"One of the least understood strategies of the world revolution now moving rapidly toward its goal is the use of mind control as a major means of obtaining the consent of the people who will be subjects of the New World Order." K.M. Heaton, The National Educator
Ahem. Everything I do is great.
"If ever this vast country is brought under a single government, it will be one of the most extensive corruption, indifferent and incapable of a wholesome care over so wide a spread of surface. This will not be borne, and you will have to choose between reform and revolution. If I know the spirit of this country, the one or the other is inevitable." - Thomas Jefferson
Lord Acton
OsamaBinGoldstein posted on 2010-05-25 9:39:59 ET (2 images) Reply Trace
#2. To: Turtle (#0)
#3. To: Turtle (#0)
#4. To: Lod (#2)
Thanks for re-posting; it's a joy to read.
#5. To: Turtle (#0)
"Now I'm going to sue every fool in the federal government for ignorance, stupidity, and just plain general incompetence."
#6. To: Turtle (#0)
Summary of the eRumor: The story is of an 83-year-old grandmother named Ruth "Grammy" Gordon who is confined to a wheelchair. She got into a scuffle with six security guards at an airport and got the upper hand on all of them. She objected to being pulled aside for a search when, as she put it, "...they were letting guys who looked just like terrorists walk through without searching them..."
The Truth: This is a piece of fiction written by Bob Wallace that is posted at www.lewrockwell.com. Apart from the fact that the story sounds too good to be true, there are some clues that it is not real. In the original version of the story, the incident is described as having happened in Frostbite, Minnesota at the R.J. Squirrel airport. Frostbite doesn't exist except as the fictional home of Rocky The Flying Squirrel and Bullwinkle Moose. Rocky's full name is Rocket J. Squirrel. Also, there does not appear to be an "Ohio Express University" as is named in the story or a book about "Cat Stevens Declawed."
#7. To: Turtle (#0)
#8. To: Eric Stratton (#7)
Why do you often re-post the same inane stuff?
#9. To: Eric Stratton (#7)
Why do you often re-post the same inane stuff?
#10. To: Cynicom, farmfriend, abraxas (#9)
Turtles stuff is never inane.
#11. To: Turtle, Cynicom, 4 (#10)
#12. To: Cynicom (#9)
#13. To: Eric Stratton (#12)
For real?
#14. To: Lod (#11)
Still, it's entertaining, and a nice break from the crap of the day.
#15. To: Cynicom (#14)
One has to keep an eye on turtle as he will chew on your pants leg and wet in your shoe.
#16. To: Cynicom, Lod, Turtle, abraxas (#14)
One has to keep an eye on turtle as he will chew on your pants leg and wet in your shoe.
#17. To: farmfriend (#16)
I thought he did other things to shoes. Don't we have multiple videos?
#18. To: Turtle, Cynicom, farmfriend, abraxas (#10)
Goofy, perhaps.
#19. To: Cynicom (#13)
#20. To: Eric Stratton (#19)
Then you say he's insufferable.
#21. To: Cynicom (#20)
#22. To: Eric Stratton, Turtle (#21)
Again, confused...
#23. To: Cynicom (#22)
(Edited)
#24. To: Eric Stratton (#23)
I still stand by my statement then that most of what he posts is inane drivel,
#25. To: Cynicom (#24)
#26. To: Eric Stratton (#25)
Fine, I get it. Sorry I asked. Unfortunately, all your comments aside, and as valid as they may be, I consider posts like this one to be inane. I understand that you don't, so we'll simply have to agree to disagree then, eh.
#27. To: Cynicom (#26)
#28. To: Turtle (#0)
#29. To: farmfriend (#16)
I thought he did other things to shoes. Don't we have multiple videos?
#30. To: irishthatcherite (#28)
I was hoping this really happened! lol
#31. To: Cynicom (#22)
The majority of the time, Turtle is entertaining us, or baiting us, or conning us, now and again on rare occasions, the real Turtle steps forward with a masterpiece of intellectual endeavor
#32. To: Turtle (#0)
#33. To: Original_Intent (#18)
#34. To: abraxas (#33)
#35. To: abraxas (#32)
lol........this one is great!! : )
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