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Title: Why You're Not Married
Source:
Huffington Post
URL Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tracy ... oure-not-married_b_822088.html
Published: Mar 5, 2011
Author: Tracey McMillian
Post Date: 2011-03-05 12:32:17 by Turtle
Keywords: None
Views: 222
Comments: 14
You want to get married. It's taken a while to admit it. Saying it out loud -- even in your mind -- feels kind of desperate, kind of unfeminist, kind of definitely not you, or at least not any you that you recognize. Because you're hardly like those girls on TLC saying yes to the dress and you would never compete for a man like those poor actress-wannabes on The Bachelor. You've never dreamt of an aqua-blue ring box. Then, something happened. Another birthday, maybe. A breakup. Your brother's wedding. His wife-elect asked you to be a bridesmaid, and suddenly there you were, wondering how in hell you came to be 36-years-old, walking down the aisle wearing something halfway decent from J. Crew that you could totally repurpose with a cute pair of boots and a jean jacket. You started to hate the bride -- she was so effing happy -- and for the first time ever you began to have feelings about the fact that you're not married. You never really cared that much before. But suddenly (it was so sudden) you found yourself wondering... Deep, deep breath... Why you're not married. Well, I know why. How? It basically comes down to this: I've been married three times. Yes, three. To a very nice MBA at 19; a very nice minister's son at 32 (and pregnant); and at 40, to a very nice liar and cheater who was just like my dad, if my dad had gone to Harvard instead of doing multiple stints in federal prison. I was, for some reason, born knowing how to get married. Growing up in foster care is a big part of it. The need for security made me look for very specific traits in the men I dated -- traits it turns out lead to marriage a surprisingly high percentage of the time. Without really trying to, I've become a sort of jailhouse lawyer of relationships -- someone who's had to do so much work on her own case that I can now help you with yours. But I won't lie. The problem is not men, it's you. Sure, there are lame men out there, but they're not really standing in your way. Because the fact is -- if whatever you're doing right now was going to get you married, you'd already have a ring on it. So without further ado, let's look at the top six reasons why you're not married. 1. You're a Bitch. Here's what I mean by bitch. I mean you're angry. You probably don't think you're angry. You think you're super smart, or if you've been to a lot of therapy, that you're setting boundaries. But the truth is you're pissed. At your mom. At the military-industrial complex. At Sarah Palin. And it's scaring men off. The deal is: most men just want to marry someone who is nice to them. I am the mother of a 13-year-old boy, which is like living with the single-cell protozoa version of a husband. Here's what my son wants out of life: macaroni and cheese, a video game, and Kim Kardashian. Have you ever seen Kim Kardashian angry? I didn't think so. You've seen Kim Kardashian smile, wiggle, and make a sex tape. Female anger terrifies men. I know it seems unfair that you have to work around a man's fear and insecurity in order to get married -- but actually, it's perfect, since working around a man's fear and insecurity is big part of what you'll be doing as a wife. 2. You're Shallow. When it comes to choosing a husband, only one thing really, truly matters: character. So it stands to reason that a man's character should be at the top of the list of things you are looking for, right? But if you're not married, I already know it isn't. Because if you were looking for a man of character, you would have found one by now. Men of character are, by definition, willing to commit. Instead, you are looking for someone tall. Or rich. Or someone who knows what an Eames chair is. Unfortunately, this is not the thinking of a wife. This is the thinking of a teenaged girl. And men of character do not want to marry teenaged girls. Because teenage girls are never happy. And they never feel like cooking, either. 3. You're a Slut. Hooking up with some guy in a hot tub on a rooftop is fine for the ladies of Jersey Shore -- but they're not trying to get married. You are. Which means, unfortunately, that if you're having sex outside committed relationships, you will have to stop. Why? Because past a certain age, casual sex is like recreational heroin -- it doesn't stay recreational for long. That's due in part to this thing called oxytocin -- a bonding hormone that is released when a woman a) nurses her baby and b) has an orgasm -- that will totally mess up your casual-sex game. It's why you can be f**k-buddying with some dude who isn't even all that great and the next thing you know, you're totally strung out on him. And you have no idea how it happened. Oxytocin, that's how it happened. And since nature can't discriminate between marriage material and Charlie Sheen, you're going to have to start being way more selective than you are right now. 4. You're a Liar. It usually goes something like this: you meet a guy who is cute and likes you, but he's not really available for a relationship. He has some condition that absolutely precludes his availability, like he's married, or he gets around town on a skateboard. Or maybe he just comes right out and says something cryptic and open to interpretation like, "I'm not really available for a relationship right now." You know if you tell him the truth -- that you're ready for marriage -- he will stop calling. Usually that day. And you don't want that. So you just tell him how perfect this is because you only want to have sex for fun! You love having fun sex! And you don't want to get in a relationship at all! You swear! About ten minutes later, the oxytocin kicks in. You start wanting more. But you don't tell him that. That's your secret -- just between you and 22,000 of your closest girlfriends. Instead, you hang around, having sex with him, waiting for him to figure out that he can't live without you. I have news: he will never "figure" this out. He already knows he can live without you just fine. And so do you. Or you wouldn't be lying to him in the first place. 5. You're Selfish. If you're not married, chances are you think a lot about you. You think about your thighs, your outfits, your naso-labial folds. You think about your career, or if you don't have one, you think about doing yoga teacher training. Sometimes you think about how marrying a wealthy guy -- or at least a guy with a really, really good job -- would solve all your problems. Howevs, a good wife, even a halfway decent one, does not spend most of her day thinking about herself. She has too much s**t to do, especially after having kids. This is why you see a lot of celebrity women getting husbands after they adopt. The kids put the woman on notice: Bitch, hello! It's not all about you anymore! After a year or two of thinking about someone other than herself, suddenly, Brad Pitt or Harrison Ford comes along and decides to significantly other her. Which is also to say -- if what you really want is a baby, go get you one. Your husband will be along shortly. Motherhood has a way of weeding out the lotharios. 6. You're Not Good Enough. Oh, I don't think that. You do. I can tell because you're not looking for a partner who is your equal. No, you want someone better than you are: better looking, better family, better job. Here is what you need to know: You are enough right this minute. Period. Not understanding this is a major obstacle to getting married, since women who don't know their own worth make terrible wives. Why? You can fake it for a while, but ultimately you won't love your spouse any better than you love yourself. Smart men know this. I see this at my son's artsy, progressive school. Of 183 kids, maybe six have moms who are as cute as you're trying to be. They're attractive, sure. They're just not objects. Their husbands (wisely) chose them for their character, not their cup size. Alright, so that's the bad news. The good news is that I believe every woman who wants to can find a great partner. You're just going to need to get rid of the idea that marriage will make you happy. It won't. Once the initial high wears off, you'll just be you, except with twice as much laundry. Because ultimately, marriage is not about getting something -- it's about giving it. Strangely, men understand this more than we do. Probably because for them marriage involves sacrificing their most treasured possession -- a free-agent penis -- and for us, it's the culmination of a princess fantasy so universal, it built Disneyland. The bottom line is that marriage is just a long-term opportunity to practice loving someone even when they don't deserve it. Because most of the time, your messy, farting, macaroni-and-cheese eating man will not be doing what you want him to. But as you give him love anyway -- because you have made up your mind to transform yourself into a person who is practicing being kind, deep, virtuous, truthful, giving, and most of all, accepting of your own dear self -- you will find that you will experience the very thing you wanted all alon
Poster Comment: Somehow, this article went viral.
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#1. To: Turtle (#0)
Probably because it's spot-on, hit-the-nail-on-the-head true.
Somehow, this article went viral. Probably because it's spot-on, hit-the-nail-on-the-head true. Sometimes women blurt the truth. A few years ago some strange woman called the cops (who never showed up) because I left my dog in the car and she thought it was too hot. I told her she hadn't been laid in three years and she screamed at me, "You're no gentleman!! You're not married!!!" Bingo.
"If ever this vast country is brought under a single government, it will be one of the most extensive corruption, indifferent and incapable of a wholesome care over so wide a spread of surface. This will not be borne, and you will have to choose between reform and revolution. If I know the spirit of this country, the one or the other is inevitable." - Thomas Jefferson
that is absurd. what did the cops do when they got there, or did you ditch it before they arrived?
"if I have all faith so as to move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing." 1 Cor 12:31—13:13 Thank you for posting this. It reminded me of how lucky I am. I am so fucking glad that I dodged the bullet. It's dealing with stupid shit like this that kept me on the straight and narrow, and happy. They wanted the Bad Boy, and that is what I gave them. Stupid goddamn women, having to be told that they are the problem, and having to explain points 1 thru 6 to them, as if they needed to be elaborated upon. Marriage for men is all risk, and no benefit. .
Somehow, this article went viral.
#2. To: Pinguinite (#1)
#3. To: Turtle (#2)
few years ago some strange woman called the cops (who never showed up) because I left my dog in the car and she thought it was too hot.
"I don't know where Bin Laden is. I truly am not that concerned about him"
George W, Bush, 3/13/02 http://georgewbush-whitehouse.archives.gov/news/releases/2002/03/20020313-8.html
#4. To: Turtle (#0)
Click for Privacy and Preparedness files
ruin everything, including sig lines.
#5. To: Artisan (#3)
I left before they showed up, if they ever did. I had things to do, not wait for them when they weren't going to do anything. I'll bet she took my license plate and gave it to them. Never heard a thing about it.
what did the cops do when they got there, or did you ditch it before they arrived?
"If ever this vast country is brought under a single government, it will be one of the most extensive corruption, indifferent and incapable of a wholesome care over so wide a spread of surface. This will not be borne, and you will have to choose between reform and revolution. If I know the spirit of this country, the one or the other is inevitable." - Thomas Jefferson
#6. To: PSUSA (#4)
Us guys also have our idiosyncrasies. There's no question about that. Probably most of those points, maybe all of them, have male counterparts that are just as true. Except for those of us who are enlightened and have overcome them, of course!
#7. To: Turtle (#5)
I'll bet she took my license plate and gave it to them. Never heard a thing about it. in california, they have new laws forbidding people from leaving dogs in cars. they even have signs urging people to call cops on people if they see dogs in cars. it's ludicrous. i once had a kook threaten to call the cops because he saw my dog walking right beside me without a leash. i told him is a deranged degenerate who represents everything that is wrong with murika and urged him to go ahead and call the cops. meanwhile i told him that he better get away from me because he seemed unstable threat who had better keep far distance while he waited for his police to show up. the police never showed up, though.
I left before they showed up, if they ever did. I had things to do, not wait for them when they weren't going to do anything.
"if I have all faith so as to move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing." 1 Cor 12:31—13:13
"I don't know where Bin Laden is. I truly am not that concerned about him"
George W, Bush, 3/13/02 http://georgewbush-whitehouse.archives.gov/news/releases/2002/03/20020313-8.html
#8. To: Turtle (#2)
Well I hope you had the window rolled down a bit, just in case. lol
Solutions for Ireland. Say NO to the IMF/World bank. Default on our debt. Print our own debt free currency. Nationalise the trillion euros worth of gas and oil off our west coast. Take back our fishing (200 billion worth). Get our farmers growing again. Done deal if our politicians had the backbone. ~ Jim Corr
#9. To: Pinguinite (#6) (Edited)
I'll call a spade a spade, and say they are faults. Yes, we all have them. But unlike the women that this article was written for, I don't need to have them spelled out for me and elaborated on. It's not the faults that bother me. It's their inability to work on them OR their inability to see them as even being faults. And I fault men more than women for this, since it's the men that put up with their bullshit. The ironic thing is, the less bullshit you put up with from them, the more they want you. Men have it exactly backwards. Again, often disputed but never refuted. Marriage is a legal obligation that is of no benefit to men and presents nothing but risk to men. I'll go even further. Any man that gets married is a fool. .
Us guys also have our idiosyncrasies.
Click for Privacy and Preparedness files
ruin everything, including sig lines.
#10. To: irishthatcherite (#8)
Had them rolled all the way down, was parked in the shade, and had the dog shaved to within a millimeter of his hide. And had a gallon of ice water in the van. The woman was too busy being self-righteous to pay attention to anything.
Well I hope you had the window rolled down a bit, just in case. lol
"If ever this vast country is brought under a single government, it will be one of the most extensive corruption, indifferent and incapable of a wholesome care over so wide a spread of surface. This will not be borne, and you will have to choose between reform and revolution. If I know the spirit of this country, the one or the other is inevitable." - Thomas Jefferson
#11. To: Turtle (#10)
Hehe.. I just needed to clarify, I see clearly what you mean now, dog was not in danger. Stupid bitch alright. Bitch.. dog.. hmmm. lol
Solutions for Ireland. Say NO to the IMF/World bank. Default on our debt. Print our own debt free currency. Nationalise the trillion euros worth of gas and oil off our west coast. Take back our fishing (200 billion worth). Get our farmers growing again. Done deal if our politicians had the backbone. ~ Jim Corr
#12. To: PSUSA (#9)
Well, speaking for myself, I didn't get married at all until I was past 40. I'm definitely glad I didn't get married before 30, at least. 25-year olds are still kids in my book, and it takes at least 30 years to really become an adult mentally. (And for some people, 60 & 70 years still isn't enough to grow up!) And when kids that don't understand their own mentality get married, and the inevitable problems crop up, things become a hell and sometimes fall apart because neither partner knows *why* they have problems and therefore don't know how to fix them short of divorce. Anyway, being single for 40 years and married now, I will go on record saying that I'm happier being married than I was single. I was lonely then and I'm not lonely now. Yes there have been some rough spots, and I've had doubts a couple times, but my wife and I got through those and I frankly claim most of the credit for getting through them successfully because I was able to see *why* those problems were happening *and* address those problems in a way that works. No, it's not enough to know why there are problems. You also have to know how to address them. It's probably more often than not the duty of the guy in a relationship to defuse problems. Kinda like fixing things around the house. My wife is attractive and an excellent cook.
Again, often disputed but never refuted. Marriage is a legal obligation that is of no benefit to men and presents nothing but risk to men. I'll go even further. Any man that gets married is a fool.
#13. To: Pinguinite (#12)
You are fortunate. Think back to the not-too-distant past and people our age would be dead already. They had to marry when they were basically kids. This illustrates how our culture has deteriorated. And as bad as things were for my generation, things are worse now. IMO much worse. I bet it sounds like I hate women. I don't. I hate this culture that actually encourages this behavior from both men and women, and the men and women that allow themselves to be led by the nose so they fall in line with this cultures expectations of them. There are exceptions to this, but that is what they are, exceptions. And they are not easy to find. .
Click for Privacy and Preparedness files
ruin everything, including sig lines. 
#14. To: Pinguinite (#12)
Men fix things; women think talking is fixing things.
I frankly claim most of the credit for getting through them successfully because I was able to see *why* those problems were happening *and* address those problems in a way that works
"If ever this vast country is brought under a single government, it will be one of the most extensive corruption, indifferent and incapable of a wholesome care over so wide a spread of surface. This will not be borne, and you will have to choose between reform and revolution. If I know the spirit of this country, the one or the other is inevitable." - Thomas Jefferson
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