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Title: Postal Service Celebrates Another Awesome Day Of Delivering Mail
Source:
Onion
URL Source: http://www.theonion.com/articles/po ... nother-awesome-day-of-d,19348/
Published: Mar 8, 2011
Author: staff
Post Date: 2011-03-08 19:06:29 by abraxas
Keywords: None
Views: 306
Comments: 34
Postal Service Celebrates Another Awesome Day Of Delivering Mail 'We Did It Again, You Guys,' Jubilant Postmaster Declares March 2, 2011 | ISSUE 47•09 WASHINGTON—Emphatic cheers of "We did it again!" and "USPS is the best!" rang out from the nation's post offices Tuesday as the United States Postal Service celebrated yet another amazing day of successfully delivering the country's mail. At 5:01 p.m., Postmaster General Patrick R. Donahoe popped a champagne cork as confetti and balloons fell from the ceiling of USPS's Washington headquarters and joyous employees cartwheeled in unison through the hallways, sources reported. Amidst the revelry, postal workers congratulated and hugged one another for once again delivering all 584 million pieces of the day's mail to their proper destinations. "You can put another great day of delivering mail in the books, fellas!" said the jubilant postmaster general, who was greeted with thunderous applause and random cheers of "No mail is junk mail!" by his employees. "We sorted, we accumulated, we delivered. And you know what? We did it together. I love you guys!" "Everyone in America got their magazines!" added Donahoe, who was then hoisted onto the shoulders of several D.C. postmen and carried into the courtyard where a 20-piece orchestra was playing "Signed, Sealed, Delivered." As the festivities continued on the East Coast with delivery trucks honking their horns and the entire USPS airplane fleet tipping their wings mid-flight, Donahoe called up the Big Board—a giant television screen with a live feed to every post office in America—to see how the celebrations were progressing across the country. "Let's check in on Broomfield!" Donahoe shouted as the screen cut to a small post office in Colorado, whose champagne-drenched mailmen were once again unfurling their giant "You Asked, We Delivered!" banner. "You're the best, Broomfield. And now let's kick it to Omaha! Nice! Good stuff from the Cornhusker State. And now Kansas City! And Dallas! And Salt Lake City! Ladies and gentlemen, the mail carriers of Cincinnati, Ohio!" "Looking good, Cincinnati," Donahoe added. "Love the choreography!" Other highlights from the revelry included a quarter-mile-long postal worker conga line in New Jersey, mailmen in Tampa, FL tossing their coworkers into the air with a giant blanket, and federal workers from the five post offices in Santa Fe, NM gathering in Fort Marcy Park for a fireworks display, carnival games, and performances of numerous mail-related songs and skits. Similar nationwide celebrations reportedly occurred the previous night, last Saturday, Friday, and every day that mail has been delivered since Benjamin Franklin established the government agency in 1775. "Twenty million letters, 8 million birthday cards, 100 million Capital One Bank credit card offers, and 5 million different types of forms were delivered from one side of the country to the other, a majority of them for just 44 cents," former Utah Jazz power forward and basketball legend Karl Malone said in a message to the nation's mailmen taped earlier in the day. "It's a modern miracle, and you're responsible for it. So raise a glass and take a drink, because you deserve it." Nobody was injured during any of the nationwide festivities—many of which devolved into late-night dance parties—and all postal workers interviewed said they had the time of their lives. "We rocked it today, guys!" Harrisburg, PA mailman Tom Burnsworth said. "And we're gonna rock it again tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day, and the day after that, and then on Sunday we're not gonna do it. But on Monday we're gonna do it again!" "Who are we?" Burnsworth shouted at his colleagues, who immediately responded, "Mailmen!" "What do we do? Deliver mail! When are weather conditions too inclement? Never! USPS, USPS, USPS!" As Burnsworth received a roaring ovation from his coworkers, Pennsylvania resident Debbie Lustick, 42, told reporters that she had yet to receive a package she has been expecting since last Thursday.
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#1. To: abraxas (#0)
God. Did they ever get this one right. Roll on, Onion!
Somewhere in Kenya, a village is missing its idiot.
lol......I figured we needed an uplifting report today. : )
" If you cannot govern yourself, you will be governed by assholes. " Randge, Poet de Forum, 1/11/11
My "mailman" won't get out of his federali go-cart and walk a few steps to put the mail in my box if a neighbors car is parked within 10 feet of it, but has time to sit under a shady tree and read my neighbors magazines. Such service!! I'm proud to be an 'Merican. Sheesh.
Yes sir! Themailman doesn't have to deliver any mail where the box is blocked, or requires him to have to back up his vehicle, or pull into a box at a weird unsafe angle. We are not allowed to get out of the vehicle to deliver mail to a blocked box. Tell your inconsiderate neighbor to move his freaking car. He is at fault, not the carrier. When it snows, the only day everyones sidewalk and steps are shoveled is on check day The rest of the month, forget it. I loved taking someones check or parcel out on my route and returning it it to the post office because they wouldn't shovel the snow or salt their icy walks. I once kept a welfare couples check for one whole week because they had a big dog who had bitten several of my relief carriers. They let the dog out and laughed when it chased my relief carriers or other people down the street. Sometimes you have to teach ignorant people a lesson. I hoped those welfare people went into drug withdrawal when they didn't get their check for over seven days. One question Lysander. Did you report to postal management the carrier you claimed was reading your neighbors magazine while sitting under a shade tree?
That is bs, no wonder people hate the post office, not allowed, WTF, are you two years old or a puppet controlled by strings? He only has to step out of his go-cart and take one or two steps and done. The neighbor is not blocking the box he is mearly parked near it. In fact, I talked to the federali in shorts the other day and his concern was identifying whose truck it was. Since it was not mine he delivered the mail. Apparently he has been trying to 'teach' me too. I 'splained to this "Mr. Postman" that I never park on the road. No I have not reported the federali in shorts, because then I am quite certain he will then really try to 'teach' me. I don't really care, I get my important mail at my office, it just is an example of peoples behavior when they work for a government invented monopoly, they generally turn into entitled, lazy, rude, assholes, like my federali shorts wearing go-cart driving tax eater. It's all good though, the post office is unsustainable, their inflated checks and benefits are soon to be slashed, gutted, and many of them kicked to the curb. The whole damn USPS should be dismantled and scrapped.
A few months ago I heard a crash on my front porch and when I investigated I found a damaged box hurled by a Post Office worker. Inside was a damaged $300 GPS unit. They paid. Oh did they pay.
"If ever this vast country is brought under a single government, it will be one of the most extensive corruption, indifferent and incapable of a wholesome care over so wide a spread of surface. This will not be borne, and you will have to choose between reform and revolution. If I know the spirit of this country, the one or the other is inevitable." - Thomas Jefferson
Hate is the strongest human emotion, one that needs to be controlled. It is unfortunate that those of us that worked for government entities are so easily categorized, simply by the job title. Oft times those that live the class society rules are far too free with their caustic, vitriolic hatred for those of the lower classes.
At least no one went postal. Funny, but I know that wal-mart used to make their employees do this literally. Maybe they still do, I dont know. I saw it on a news program some years ago. It was painful to watch. .
#2. To: Lod (#1)
#3. To: abraxas (#0)
#4. To: Lysander_Spooner (#3)
(Edited)
My "mailman" won't get out of his federali go-cart and walk a few steps to put the mail in my box if a neighbors car is parked within 10 feet of it,
#5. To: LACUMO (#4)
Themailman doesn't have to deliver any mail where the box is blocked, or requires him to have to back up his vehicle, or pull into a box at a weird unsafe angle. We are not allowed to get out of the vehicle to deliver mail to a blocked box. One question Lysander. Did you report to postal management the carrier you claimed was reading your neighbors magazine while sitting under a shade tree?
#6. To: abraxas (#0)
#7. To: Lysander_Spooner, Lacumo (#5)
peoples behavior when they work for a government invented monopoly, they generally turn into entitled, lazy, rude, assholes,
#8. To: abraxas (#0)
"Mailmen!" "What do we do? Deliver mail! When are weather conditions too inclement? Never! USPS, USPS, USPS!"
Click for Privacy and Preparedness files
ruin everything, including sig lines.
#9. To: Lysander_Spooner (#5) (Edited)
WTF are you, two years old, or an asshole? Those are the rules you jerk. I had 742 stops on my route and there was no time to get in and out of the vehicle and besides it was not allowed. Get into an accident that is caused by breaking the rules and you acn kiss your job good-bye. Since you attacked me, I returned the favor. Go to any Post Office and ask the Postmaster or Supervisor what the rules for carriers are. Then get off your lazy ass and shovel around your mailbox and go punch your lousy inconsiderate neighbor for blocking your box and subsequent delivery. Get a life and get a P O Box and get your mail every day. Remember, the checks in the mail!
That is bs, no wonder people hate the post office, not allowed, WTF, are you two years old or a puppet controlled by strings? He only has to step out of his go-cart and take one or two steps and done.
#10. To: LACUMO (#9)
Going postal? Merely observations on my part.
#11. To: Cynicom (#7)
You talking to me, because I have no idea what you are talking about.
#12. To: Lysander_Spooner (#11)
Spoon... I think those are your words from post 5????
No I have not reported the federali in shorts, because then I am quite certain he will then really try to 'teach' me. I don't really care, I get my important mail at my office, it just is an example of peoples behavior when they work for a government invented monopoly, they generally turn into entitled, lazy, rude, assholes, like my federali shorts wearing go-cart driving tax eater. It's all good though, the post office is unsustainable, their inflated checks and benefits are soon to be slashed, gutted, and many of them kicked to the curb. The whole damn USPS should be dismantled and scrapped.
#13. To: Cynicom (#12)
You want him to own up to his own words? Talk about mental illness ... I'd sure hate to be HIS neighbor. He will be the only one on the block who he thinks has an opinion that makes a difference. What a joke.
I think those are your words from post 5????
#14. To: Phant2000 (#13)
Well, what we have here is class society at its best. We hate a person...FOR WHAT HE DOES FOR A LIVING... Now, that is pretty broad hating, spare no one. The garbage man, sanitation guys etc must really rate down on the status chart.
#15. To: Cynicom (#14)
Yet if all were gone and he was left to his own devices to do what they were no longer performing, he would scream "VICTIM" at the top of his lungs. MUHAHAHAHAHA
The garbage man, sanitation guys etc must really rate down on the status chart.
#16. To: Phant2000 (#15)
MUHAHAHAHAHA When the Queen rings for her lackey, and no one appears, her life ends in tears, right there. There is no need to go on. What shall life be with no lackeys?????
Yet if all were gone and he was left to his own devices to do what they were no longer performing, he would scream "VICTIM" at the top of his lungs.
#17. To: Cynicom (#16)
Lackeyless? hehehehe
What shall life be with no lackeys?????
#18. To: Phant2000 (#17)
No such word, you made that up.
Lackeyless?
#19. To: Cynicom (#12)
Yes my words. I still have no idea what it is you are trying say. On the one hand you talk about hate being controlled, then class, then being a government employee, and vitriol, it really is too confusing, your bullshit makes my head spin.
#20. To: Phant2000 (#13)
I'd sure hate to be HIS neighbor. He will be the only one on the block who he thinks has an opinion that makes a difference. What a joke. You talking to me ? Seriously, F off, you know nothing about me.
You want him to own up to his own words? Talk about mental illness ...
#21. To: Lysander_Spooner (#19)
Sorry about that part. As a former government "worker", I took umbrage at your characterization. Really quite simple.
your bullshit makes my head spin.
#22. To: Cynicom (#21)
My characterizations are true in my example and according to my experience, but I certainly do allow for exceptions to the rule, although in my experience they are few and far between.
#23. To: Lysander_Spooner, Phant2000 (#22)
They must have truly been bad experiences to warrant such a broad characterization.. At first view your statement seemed true classism. It was always enlightening and amusing to watch and listen to the reactions of strangers when told of my employment. It is human nature to classify, characterize, others as to their social standing. Myself, I always found that interesting. Example. At large museum seminars, that I was forced to attend, I met many people of note. With free booze after dinner, their social mores seemed to decline. With hundreds of patrons in attendance, small clutches of people would form, drinks in hand. With my ice water as a defense, I would move from clutch to clutch. After joining the conversation, and being an unknown, eventually someone would ask who I was and then the awaited social clincher, "WHAT DO YOU DO". I did that for several years until one time a gentleman caught me. When a bejeweled lady asked me what I did, my reply was always the same, "I am the janitor here and have to clean up after the party".... The group would always evaporate immediately, except the one time. The lone remaining gentleman with a smile, said, "You are not the janitor here are you, you were pulling our legs and rightfully so". He told me the first haughty female to leave was his wife. We had a very long and interesting conversation about human nature and classism.
My characterizations are true in my example and according to my experience, but I certainly do allow for exceptions to the rule, although in my experience they are few and far between.
#24. To: Cynicom (#23)
The one answer that will always give entry is to say "I'm a writer". An interesting, tongue in cheek, article on classism that appeared in the New Republic years ago pinpointed that as one of the few groups that could move between social classes without comment. The writer of the article defined writers as "Class X" as it is a universal. I've wanted to be a writer ever since just for the consternation it creates.
#25. To: Cynicom, Lysander Spooner (#23)
As a footnote on the Post Office, having worked there years ago, I would NEVER work at the P.O. for what the guys and gals are paid (at that time - late 80's Union Scale was about 12 bucks an hour). You are under constant surveillance and constant harassment. Screw that.
#26. To: Original_Intent (#25)
You got it right except you failed to mention having to deliver the mail in all kind of weather. We had to deliver no matter whether there was dangerous lightning, wind, rain, snow and extreme heat. Not only were you under constant surveillance inside with postal inspectors watching you from above, you had them and supervisors spying on you when on the street. Sometimes they would actually film you walking and count how many steps you would take. Now they got GPS wands that you must swipe at certain intervals sort of like detex clock punches watchmen are required to make checking for things out of the ordinary like break-ins and fires. Miss a swipe or punch at the required time and location and you get a reprimand. In spite of everything and overall. we have the best mail system in the world bar none. We also have some of the cheapest rates. Too bad there are those that don't appreciate it.
As a footnote on the Post Office, having worked there years ago, I would NEVER work at the P.O. for what the guys and gals are paid (at that time - late 80's Union Scale was about 12 bucks an hour). You are under constant surveillance and constant harassment. Screw that.
#27. To: LACUMO (#26)
I was working as a clerk at the time - I had the P.O. Boxes and the loading dock. There's nothing quite like throwing bundles for twenty-some carriers at 8 degrees. The P.O. Boxes I actually kind of enjoyed. It got to be a game to see how fast I could get them done. Although the Shop Steward got on me for "working too hard and making other people look bad". One of the Letter Carriers was on her S List too - he was a marathoner and so would run his entire route with a cart - usually finished about an hour under time except when we had snow and ice - although he was still usually the first one in. Most days he would come back to the station and case any incoming for the next morning and goof off till he clocked out. You meet all sorts of interesting people in the P.O.. One of the Carriers was a former Law Clerk for a State Supreme Court Justice. He was so disgusted by the corruption that he got out of Law and became a Letter Carrier.
#28. To: Cynicom (#23)
And yet we are not supposed to judge others. A contradiction in terms?
It is human nature to classify, characterize, others as to their social standing.
#29. To: Cynicom (#23)
I prefer the janitor to the plastic surgeon any day. It's like Twain said, most seem to let their schooling in the way of their education. As far as the women go, they are mostly hypergamous, constantly on the lookout for a male with a higher status, status seekers or gold diggers, I have no patience for that. I did not know ice water could be used for self defense, but you are learning me, and I didn't fall off the turnip truck yesterday ;)
#30. To: Original_Intent (#27)
It seems like I was always running like a marathoner, but rarely ever finished on time. With 742 stops and a daily average of 21.5 feet of mail to case, pull down and deliver, there just wasn't a second to spare. Then you had certs, registers, express mail, and parcels. If you ever saw the movie Donnie Brassco with Al Pacino and Johnny Depp you watched a movie about an undercover FBI agent that infiltrated the Cosa Nostra. His real life name was Joe Pistone. His uncle Frank retired as a letter carrier at the Griswold P O in Erie, PA. and I got his route. Also a fellow carrier by rhe name of Robert Lucas was in the movies Glory and Killer Angels. He had a speaking part in Killer Angels and his name is in the credits. He was with the 118th Pennsylvania re-enactors and they were the soldiers who brought the 2nd Maine boys to Colonel Chamberlin(Jeff Daniels)and the 20th Maine.
One of the Letter Carriers was on her S List too - he was a marathoner and so would run his entire route with a cart - usually finished about an hour under time except when we had snow and ice - although he was still usually the first one in.
#31. To: Original_Intent (#24)
Writer?? Wish I had thot of that. Whatever fib I fobbed off on them, I made sure it was something I knew a lot about. Window washing, stripping floors etc etc. Such was always a hit and was sure to break up the cozy circle, so i would move on to the next one. As soon as their politeness allowed, invariably the first question was always the same..."What do you do"....I loved that. I always smiled and moved in for kill, coup de grace to them.
An interesting, tongue in cheek, article on classism that appeared in the New Republic years ago pinpointed that as one of the few groups that could move between social classes without comment.
#32. To: Original_Intent (#24)
Excellent example to me was Eric Hoffer, a longshoreman.
The writer of the article defined writers as "Class X" as it is a universal.
#33. To: Lysander_Spooner, Lacumo, Phant2000, Original_intent (#29)
Twain??? Twains nephew was a friend of mine, not socially of course, as he was a millionaire way back then. His name was Jervis Langdon, a gentlemans gentleman. CEO of Union Pacific and other railroads, government insider etc. At my job, I had to wear a name tag, in case I forgot it. He always called me by my first name, instead of, hey you, which was normal. Classism was not in his dictionary.
I prefer the janitor to the plastic surgeon any day. It's like Twain said, most seem to let their schooling in the way of their education.
#34. To: Cynicom (#33)
Admirable. Sounds like someone I would enjoy conversing with. Mail Box Update: My neighbor moved his truck, all is well. I did talk to my mail man, he re-iterated what you said about getting out of truck, and a 10' clearance from the box for parking, he was very professional and quite friendly. Didn't have to punch the neighbor in the nose thankfully ;)
Classism was not in his dictionary.
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