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Title: Need Help Understanding Women?
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Published: May 31, 2011
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Post Date: 2011-05-31 11:55:37 by James Deffenbach
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Views: 476
Comments: 46
I finally got the manual that will help men understand women better. Let me know if you need a copy! Poster Comment: My sister sent me this in email and I wrote her back and told her that I doubted that was a complete "owner's manual," more like a condensed version.
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#1. To: James Deffenbach (#0)
cute ;)
Yeah, I got a chuckle out of it. And my sister told me that she and one of her co- workers had the same thought I did, that it probably wasn't complete.
Liberty is not a means to a higher political end. It is itself the highest political end. Lord Acton He (Gordon Duff) also implies that forcibly removing Obama, a Constitution-hating, on-the-down-low, crackhead Communist, is an attack on America, Mom, and apple pie. I swear these military people are worse than useless. Just look around at the condition of the country and tell me if they have fulfilled their oaths to protect the nation from all enemies foreign and domestic. The only difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has it's limits. Albert Einstein
The Secrets of Women's Language - A must-read for any man Keywords and their meanings: "Fine": This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments. "Five minutes": This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade. "Nothing": This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine". "Go Ahead" (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine". "Go Ahead" (normal eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off. "Loud Sigh" : This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing". "Soft Sighs": Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content. "Oh": This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, RUN, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that we can't bring ourselves to write about them. "That's Okay": This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble. "Please Do": This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay". "Thanks": A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say you're welcome. "Thanks a lot": This is much different from "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks a lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing". I hope this clears up any misunderstandings...
"So this is how liberty dies, with thunderous applause." -Padme, Star Wars III, Sith
One for the ladies One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat- shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" And they say blondes are dumb... Q: Why do little boys whine? "So this is how liberty dies, with thunderous applause." -Padme, Star Wars III, Sith
Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed: 'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.' Poof! .. God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.. After witnessing that, the second man prayed: 'God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river' Poof! .. God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once. Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: 'God,please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river' Poof! .. He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.
"So this is how liberty dies, with thunderous applause." -Padme, Star Wars III, Sith
A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending On where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example- If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged And masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, She tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth... And a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire. No further studies are expected.
"So this is how liberty dies, with thunderous applause." -Padme, Star Wars III, Sith
"So this is how liberty dies, with thunderous applause." -Padme, Star Wars III, Sith
"So this is how liberty dies, with thunderous applause." -Padme, Star Wars III, Sith
"So this is how liberty dies, with thunderous applause." -Padme, Star Wars III, Sith
"So this is how liberty dies, with thunderous applause." -Padme, Star Wars III, Sith
"So this is how liberty dies, with thunderous applause." -Padme, Star Wars III, Sith
This is where it all started: It has been down hill since then.
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The relationship between morality and liberty is a directly proportional one. "Only a virtuous people are capable of freedom. As nations become corrupt and vicious, they have more need of masters." - Ben Franklin
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The relationship between morality and liberty is a directly proportional one. "Only a virtuous people are capable of freedom. As nations become corrupt and vicious, they have more need of masters." - Ben Franklin
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The relationship between morality and liberty is a directly proportional one. "Only a virtuous people are capable of freedom. As nations become corrupt and vicious, they have more need of masters." - Ben Franklin
NICE BOOTY !!
Women want what they can't have, they are like children for the most part.
I have heard that you can use those for handicap placards.
Liberty is not a means to a higher political end. It is itself the highest political end. Lord Acton He (Gordon Duff) also implies that forcibly removing Obama, a Constitution-hating, on-the-down-low, crackhead Communist, is an attack on America, Mom, and apple pie. I swear these military people are worse than useless. Just look around at the condition of the country and tell me if they have fulfilled their oaths to protect the nation from all enemies foreign and domestic. The only difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has it's limits. Albert Einstein
That's a keeper.
Liberty is not a means to a higher political end. It is itself the highest political end. Lord Acton He (Gordon Duff) also implies that forcibly removing Obama, a Constitution-hating, on-the-down-low, crackhead Communist, is an attack on America, Mom, and apple pie. I swear these military people are worse than useless. Just look around at the condition of the country and tell me if they have fulfilled their oaths to protect the nation from all enemies foreign and domestic. The only difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has it's limits. Albert Einstein
That is a scary picture.
Liberty is not a means to a higher political end. It is itself the highest political end. Lord Acton He (Gordon Duff) also implies that forcibly removing Obama, a Constitution-hating, on-the-down-low, crackhead Communist, is an attack on America, Mom, and apple pie. I swear these military people are worse than useless. Just look around at the condition of the country and tell me if they have fulfilled their oaths to protect the nation from all enemies foreign and domestic. The only difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has it's limits. Albert Einstein
Oh, as I said earlier I think that is the Reader's Digest condensed version of the owner's manual, not the complete book.
Liberty is not a means to a higher political end. It is itself the highest political end. Lord Acton He (Gordon Duff) also implies that forcibly removing Obama, a Constitution-hating, on-the-down-low, crackhead Communist, is an attack on America, Mom, and apple pie. I swear these military people are worse than useless. Just look around at the condition of the country and tell me if they have fulfilled their oaths to protect the nation from all enemies foreign and domestic. The only difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has it's limits. Albert Einstein
I think that's true of people in general, not just women.
Liberty is not a means to a higher political end. It is itself the highest political end. Lord Acton He (Gordon Duff) also implies that forcibly removing Obama, a Constitution-hating, on-the-down-low, crackhead Communist, is an attack on America, Mom, and apple pie. I swear these military people are worse than useless. Just look around at the condition of the country and tell me if they have fulfilled their oaths to protect the nation from all enemies foreign and domestic. The only difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has it's limits. Albert Einstein
SATAN made the choice to compromise 'mankind' by getting to the "weaker" sex, then she got to ADAM.
A Real Man would enter the mall at Sears (more direct route), which also goes past the tool department. This is more efficient, as he can shop for tools while on his way to the Gap. If there is a new tool he needs (all-in-one ratchet, screw driver, hammer, 40' tape, acetylene torch for only $19.99) he can grab it, pay for it, and continue to the Gap. Of course, Real Men dont shop at the Gap anyway. Jeans can be bought at Sears.
Good reason to turn gay.
yep, no shit, that is why I always go thru the tool entry, it is starting to make sense.
I think the prevalence amongst women is greater than men, point well taken though, 'they' sure are out there ;)
Yeah, point taken.
Liberty is not a means to a higher political end. It is itself the highest political end. Lord Acton He (Gordon Duff) also implies that forcibly removing Obama, a Constitution-hating, on-the-down-low, crackhead Communist, is an attack on America, Mom, and apple pie. I swear these military people are worse than useless. Just look around at the condition of the country and tell me if they have fulfilled their oaths to protect the nation from all enemies foreign and domestic. The only difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has it's limits. Albert Einstein
Oh, HELL no!
Liberty is not a means to a higher political end. It is itself the highest political end. Lord Acton He (Gordon Duff) also implies that forcibly removing Obama, a Constitution-hating, on-the-down-low, crackhead Communist, is an attack on America, Mom, and apple pie. I swear these military people are worse than useless. Just look around at the condition of the country and tell me if they have fulfilled their oaths to protect the nation from all enemies foreign and domestic. The only difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has it's limits. Albert Einstein
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The relationship between morality and liberty is a directly proportional one. "Only a virtuous people are capable of freedom. As nations become corrupt and vicious, they have more need of masters." - Ben Franklin
LOL my dad graduated from Oklahoma State University so I'm sure he would agree!
"So this is how liberty dies, with thunderous applause." -Padme, Star Wars III, Sith
LOL! Yeah, the more detailed version wouldn't fit on the average elephant.
Liberty is not a means to a higher political end. It is itself the highest political end. Lord Acton He (Gordon Duff) also implies that forcibly removing Obama, a Constitution-hating, on-the-down-low, crackhead Communist, is an attack on America, Mom, and apple pie. I swear these military people are worse than useless. Just look around at the condition of the country and tell me if they have fulfilled their oaths to protect the nation from all enemies foreign and domestic. The only difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has it's limits. Albert Einstein
No offense to your dad.
Liberty is not a means to a higher political end. It is itself the highest political end. Lord Acton He (Gordon Duff) also implies that forcibly removing Obama, a Constitution-hating, on-the-down-low, crackhead Communist, is an attack on America, Mom, and apple pie. I swear these military people are worse than useless. Just look around at the condition of the country and tell me if they have fulfilled their oaths to protect the nation from all enemies foreign and domestic. The only difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has it's limits. Albert Einstein
My wife says to tell all you guys that you don't need that big owner's manual. Just say YES and everything will be all right.
Liberty is not a means to a higher political end. It is itself the highest political end. Lord Acton He (Gordon Duff) also implies that forcibly removing Obama, a Constitution-hating, on-the-down-low, crackhead Communist, is an attack on America, Mom, and apple pie. I swear these military people are worse than useless. Just look around at the condition of the country and tell me if they have fulfilled their oaths to protect the nation from all enemies foreign and domestic. The only difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has it's limits. Albert Einstein
No offense. Two different universities. The one you sited was OU, boomer sooners, boomer sooners. Dad went to OSU.
"So this is how liberty dies, with thunderous applause." -Padme, Star Wars III, Sith
There are others. "I just want to meet a nice guy...": "...that is 6' 2" tall, with the chiseled body of an Olympic gymnast, and the face of a young Mel Gibson, be at least a half billionaire, with houses on 3 or 4 continents, waterfront, of course, with matching yachts. He should never have to work, he should spend ungodly sums of money on me, and hire me dozens of staff to fulfill my every demand. He should give me a 2000 square foot closet at each mansion, and fill it every month with the latest fashions. Of course he should also give me my own 10 car garage with all of the finest European luxury and sports cars available, new, every year. Oh yes, and he should never expect anything from me in return."
#2. To: christine (#1)
OsamaBinGoldstein
#3. To: James Deffenbach (#0)
#4. To: James Deffenbach (#2)
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
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A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
--------------------------------------
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
--------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
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A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
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Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
A: They are practicing to be men.
--------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
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Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
--------------------------------------
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
--------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
#5. To: James Deffenbach (#2)
#6. To: James Deffenbach, christine, abraxas (#2)
#7. To: James Deffenbach (#2)
#8. To: All (#7)
#9. To: All (#8)
#10. To: All (#9)
#11. To: All (#10)
#12. To: farmfriend, ames Deffenbach (#11)
#13. To: James Deffenbach (#0)
#14. To: farmfriend (#8)
#15. To: Itistoolate (#12)
#16. To: Itistoolate (#12)
#17. To: James Deffenbach (#0)
#18. To: farmfriend (#4)
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
OsamaBinGoldstein
#19. To: farmfriend (#8)
OsamaBinGoldstein
#20. To: Itistoolate (#12)
OsamaBinGoldstein
#21. To: Eric Stratton (#13)
Which version of women is that, I think we're up to version 112.28.
OsamaBinGoldstein
#22. To: Lysander_Spooner (#17)
Women want what they can't have, they are like children for the most part.
OsamaBinGoldstein
#23. To: James Deffenbach (#20)
#24. To: farmfriend (#9)
Once you go armadillo, you never go back.
#25. To: James Deffenbach (#0)
I doubted that was a complete "owner's manual," more like a condensed version.
Once you go armadillo, you never go back.
#26. To: Armadillo (#24)
#27. To: James Deffenbach (#22)
I think that's true of people in general, not just women.
#28. To: Itistoolate (#23)
SATAN made the choice to compromise 'mankind' by getting to the "weaker" sex, then she got to ADAM.
OsamaBinGoldstein
#29. To: Armadillo (#25)
Good reason to turn gay.
OsamaBinGoldstein
#30. To: James Deffenbach (#21)
#31. To: James Deffenbach (#18)
I have heard that you can use those for handicap placards.
#32. To: Eric Stratton (#30)
The Quick Set-up Guide.
OsamaBinGoldstein
#33. To: farmfriend (#31)
OsamaBinGoldstein
#34. To: All (#0)
OsamaBinGoldstein
#35. To: James Deffenbach (#33)
No offense to your dad.
#36. To: farmfriend (#3)
SolvoSermo.Com Free speech Video Hosting
Sewer Service Schenectady, NY Welding and fabrication Amsterdam, NY
#37. To: Critter, farmfriend (#36)
Women like drama, and "nice guys" dont provide that."I just want to meet a nice guy...":
Once you go armadillo, you never go back.
#38. To: Critter (#36)
"...that is 6' 2" tall, with the chiseled body of an Olympic gymnast, and the face of a young Mel Gibson, be at least a half billionaire, with houses on 3 or 4 continents, waterfront, of course, with matching yachts. He should never have to work, he should spend ungodly sums of money on me, and hire me dozens of staff to fulfill my every demand. He should give me a 2000 square foot closet at each mansion, and fill it every month with the latest fashions. Of course he should also give me my own 10 car garage with all of the finest European luxury and sports cars available, new, every year. Oh yes, and he should never expect anything from me in return." LOL!
"I just want to meet a nice guy...":
Liberty is not a means to a higher political end. It is itself the highest political end. Lord Acton
He (Gordon Duff) also implies that forcibly removing Obama, a Constitution-hating, on-the-down-low, crackhead Communist, is an attack on America, Mom, and apple pie. I swear these military people are worse than useless. Just look around at the condition of the country and tell me if they have fulfilled their oaths to protect the nation from all enemies foreign and domestic.
OsamaBinGoldstein
The only difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has it's limits. Albert Einstein
#39. To: Armadillo, Critter, (#37)
I've had several guys tell me I think like a man. The thing that turns me on most is humor. Make me laugh baby make me laugh!
Women like drama, and "nice guys" dont provide that.
"So this is how liberty dies, with thunderous applause." -Padme, Star Wars III, Sith
#40. To: farmfriend (#39)
I always hear women say they are turned on by anything and everything expect the one thing they are really turned on by, a good looking man. Men and women aren't really that different when it comes to attraction, women just don't seem to like to admit looks matter in attraction like men do.
God is always good!
#41. To: farmfriend (#4)
God was walking through the Garden of Eden and came upon Eve. She was crying. God asked, "My dear, whatever is wrong?" Eve replied, "It's these three breasts you gave me. The outside breasts get caught on the vines and the thorns and it's very painful. God said, "I can fix that." So he removed the middle breast and threw it in the bushes. Eve was very happy. The next day God came upon Eve in the Garden again and she was crying. God asked, "My dear, whatever is wrong?" Eve replied, " All the animals in the Garden are in pairs, but I am on my own. I am very lonely. God said, "I can fix that, I'll make a mate for you." God started looking through the bushes, and said, "Now, what did I do with that useless tit?"
One for the ladies
It is vital to understand that there is no truth without discernment and no wisdom without the truth. What then is “faith” but an effort to confound truth and wisdom?
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