College is a great place to learn and have fun. But lets not kid ourselves, some degrees are as useless as the plot in a Michael Bay film. Heres a list of 10 degrees that may be interesting, but do jack shit for you in the real world. 10. Art History
Why It Wont Help You Get a Job: With an art history degree you could maybe curate an art gallery or work at a museum or .yeah, thats it. Thats all you can do. And seeing as how every art gallery and museum Ive ever been to has exactly one dude sitting quietly at a desk reading a New Yorker and eating a food that requires chopsticks, Im going to go ahead and assume theres not a lot of positions open in the field. That means youre going to have to venture out into the corporate world. And let me inform you, when youre interviewing with Bob from the HR team at Wal-Mart whos wearing a tie that has the twin towers smoking with writing underneath that says We Will Never Forget, your art history degree says to him Im a commie a-hole who thinks Im better than guys with 9/11 ties.
What Job Youll End Up With: After your parents boot your ass from your bedroom to make room for anything thats not your bedroom, youll wander towards the nearest coffee shop and get a job there, which will allow you to meet artists who will thank you for allowing them to put fliers by the cash register that inform people of their upcoming show that touts the combination of art and flute.
9. Philosophy
Why It Wont Help You Get a Job: This isnt ancient Greece: No one is going to pay you money, or allow you to sodomize their attractive son, in exchange for your knowledge of existence. Never has there been an employer whos said Man, were having all kinds of problems, I wish we had someone on our team who could reference and draw conclusions from the story of Siddhartha that would pull up our fourth quarter numbers. I took many philosophy classes and it involved reading and smoking a shit pile of weed. You dont need to pay 20,000 dollars a year to do that. All you need is twenty dollars and a library card.
What Job Youll End Up With: Thanks to your extensive knowledge of philosophy, youre now self-aware enough to know that most jobs out there will make you totally miserable. So most likely youll wait tables part time and hope someone starts paying you for the bi-monthly entries on your blog.
8. American Studies
Why It Wont Help You Get a Job: If youre not named Achmed or Bjork or GDay Mate this isnt a degree, its the last 18 years of your life. If you really want to study us you dont need to go to some stupid class, you need only to sit back and watch a two-hour block of Must-See TV to understand The American. After doing my own research, it seems that this mysterious creature is a pot-bellied humanoid with a hot wife and bad credit who has a penchant for low-calorie beer, Chilis, Applebees, TGIFridays, Dennys, McDonalds, Taco Bell, Dave and Busters, Steak and Shake, Chilis (again) and Red Lobster. Oh and he can totally demolish a White Castle Crave Case in, like, 20 seconds. OK, now give me my degree.
What Job Youll End Up With: To take your American Studies degree one step further, you will be qualified to do 40-50 years of graduate work cleaning tables and taking orders at a Chilis, Applebees, TGIFridays or Red Lobster. Or possibly Dennys.
7. Music Therapy
Why It Wont Help You Get a Job: I didnt even know this was a major until I found it on the Appalachian State website. According to their actual explanation of this major: Music therapy is the scientific application of the art of music within a therapeutic relationship to meet the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual needs of individuals. Which is a big, fancy way of saying Well teach you how to make a mix tape. I guess I, too, am a qualified music therapist because my Summer Jams 95 tape I made in the 10th grade totally rocked my house party. All my friends told me that kicking it off with Wreckz-N-Effects Rump Shaker followed by Coolios Gangstas Paradise totally met their physical, mental and spiritual needs to help them get wasted on my dads Schnapps and Drambuie.
What Job Youll End Up With: After realizing that yoga studios and elderly homes dont pay people just to come in and set mood music, youre sadly going to end up putting your degree towards burning a fire to keep warm because you are homeless.
6. Communications
Why It Wont Help You Get a Job: Go into a communications class on any given day and itll smell like dried semen and booze. Reason being, communications is the major for anyone who wants to graduate, but doesnt want to stop getting totally wasted on weekdays. Heres the bad news, if an employer is going to hire someone to help decipher how human beings communicate, hes going to hire someone with the letters Dr. before their name, not the person who first checks to see if a class is offered online, then when they find out its not, lets out a gaaaaay bro.
What Job Youll End Up With: Youll go to several job interviews that turn out to be pyramid schemes, even though at first you wont realize this and come home and tell your parents, who you still live with, They said Ill probably be making six figures in less than a year just by selling these beer cozies.
5. Dance
Why It Wont Help You Get a Job: Despite what Dancing with the Stars and High School Musical may tell you, there arent a lot of dancing jobs out there,so you better be good because there arent any gigs for mediocre dancers. Outside of New York City or some crap in LA there is absolutely nothing you can do with a dance degree that doesnt involve actually dancing for money. And since the Des Moines interpretive dance movement hasnt really taken off yet, you have a better chance landing a job as an 8-Track repairman or a member of the Beatles.
What Job Youll End Up With: After moving to New York and trying out for Hello Dolly! or Damn Yankees or any of the other seven Broadway plays that want dancers and not landing a single one because you got your dance degree from Ball State, you will find ample opportunity to show off your choreographic skills at one of the citys many strip clubs. Youll just need to change your name to Crystal or Bambi and youll be able finally live out your dream as a dancer. (Mom and Dad will be so proud!)
4. English Lit
Why It Wont Help You Get a Job: If someone can spend a weekend with a box of Cliffs Notes and have only a slightly less conversational knowledge of what you spent 4 years studying, you probably dont have the most employer friendly degree. Having an English Lit degree is like being a member of the Kansas City Royals: No one cares and the best you can hope for is every once in a while someone buys you a beer because of it.
What Job Youll End Up With: You can read and comprehend, so that gives you an advantage over 99.5% of the people that peruse Craigs list job listings. Therefore, youll most likely end up landing an entry level position at a random small company, or showing up to your interview and being raped repeatedly by a group of masked men.
3. Latin
Why It Wont Help You Get a Job: Not only does no one speak this language anymore, but we already have all the Latin that exists in the world. Theres no new Latin thats hot off the presses that needs immediate translating. Im no business major, but majoring in a language that doesnt exist anymore doesnt sound so good for job security. And Im sorry to break the news to you, but the world doesnt need someone to translate The Bible or the inscription on the side of a Post Office or El Loco Latinos Latin House Party.
What Job Youll End Up With: Since you majored in something that doesnt exist, youre going to have two jobs. Your first one will be as the annoying pretentious guy who gives everyone the Latin etymology of every big word he hears at every dinner party he attends. Your second, and most lucrative job, will be as a Subway Sandwich Artist.
2. Film
Why It Wont Help You Get a Job: No one in hollywood gives a shit that you made a short film about an alcoholic albino that discovers the meaning of life through the help of a retarded child. Unless that retarded child was played by the son of Harvey Weinstein, your film or degree will be as pointless as the last three seasons of Lost
What Job Youll End Up With: If youre lucky, youll have an uncle who can get you a job as a production assistant on CSI Miami, where your time will be spent making coffee runs and finding whores that will let David Caruso pee on them.
1. Religion
Why It Wont Help You Get a Job: Sorry God, but a major in Religion is about as worthless as St. Brice (The Patron Saint of Stomach Aches.) Even Duke University cant put a solid sell on this degree: A major in religion offers intellectual excitement and can be a pathway to a liberal education. OK, you sold me. So now I get to shell out about a hundred thousand dollars so I can know what to wear to a Shinto ceremony and learn how many virgins Allah will give me if I blow myself up in an Israeli square? If its OK with you, Ill keep my money and stick to my sinning-a-lot-now-and-repenting-on-my-deathbed plan.
What Job Youll End Up With: This one is tricky. On one hand youll probably end up working behind the desk of a Christian Science Reading Room. But on the other, you may end up with everlasting peace and spiritual enlightenment. Lets call it a draw.
Poster Comment:
I think the most worthless and dangerous degree is Education. I graduated college from the largest producers of teachers in Illinois and all of the students I met except for one were stupid and uneducated.
He later got an M.S. in Economics.
Sociology is also worthless, and most Psychology. Economics is worthless, as the M.S. in Economics tells me every day.