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Title: Bagpipes at a Funeral
Source: Ab's MailBox
URL Source: http://abmail.com
Published: Oct 5, 2011
Author: Bag Piper
Post Date: 2011-10-05 11:17:30 by abraxas
Keywords: None
Views: 96
Comments: 5

Bagpipes at a Funeral

I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Oklahoma back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt bad and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say,

"I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

I now own a Garmin GPS.

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#1. To: abraxas (#0)

deleted

The relationship between morality and liberty is a directly proportional one.

Eric Stratton  posted on  2011-10-05   11:23:15 ET  Reply   Trace   Private Reply  


#2. To: abraxas (#0)

"I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

They buried the guy in a septic tank? God, how humiliating.

"Terrorism is when the innocent are murdered due to the evil actions of the guilty." -- Turtle

Turtle  posted on  2011-10-05   14:40:52 ET  Reply   Trace   Private Reply  


#3. To: Turtle (#2)

They buried the guy in a septic tank?

lol! Poor sap.

" If you cannot govern yourself, you will be governed by assholes. " Randge, Poet de Forum, 1/11/11

"Life's tough, and even tougher if you're stupid." --John Wayne

abraxas  posted on  2011-10-05   16:40:07 ET  Reply   Trace   Private Reply  


#4. To: abraxas (#0)

Q: What's the only thing worse than a bagpiper? A: Good question. We're still trying to find out too.

Bagpipes (noun) - I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made object never equalled the purity of sound achieved by the pig. -Alfred Hitchcock

Q. How do you get two bagpipes to play a perfect unison? A. Shoot one.

Q. What's the definition of a minor second? A. Two bagpipes playing in unison.

Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion? A. No one cries when you chop up an bagpipe.

Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline? A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

Q. How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch? A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.

Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded? A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.

Q. Why did the chicken cross the road? A. To get away from the bagpipe recital.

Q. What's the difference between the Great Highland and Northumbrian bagpipes? A. The GHB burns longer [but the Northumbrian burns hotter]

Q. What do you call bagpiper with half a brain? A. Gifted.

Q. What's the difference between a lawnmower and a bagpipe? A. You can tune the lawnmower, and the owner's neighbors are upset if you borrow the lawnmower and don't return it.

Q. How many bagpipers does it take to change a light bulb? A. Five, one to handle the bulb and the other four to contemplate how Bill Livingston would have done it.

Q. How many bagpipers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A. 5-one to do it, and four to criticise his fingering style.

Q. If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune bagpipe player, an out of tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus? A. The out of tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you have been hallucinating.

Q. How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe? A. Add vibrato.

Q. How many bagpipers does it take to change a light bulb? A. Five. One to handle the bulb, the other four to tell him how much better they could have done it.

Q. What's the definition of a gentleman? A. Someone who knows how to play the bagpipe and doesn't.

Q. Why do bagpipers leave their cases on their dashboards? A. So they can park in handicapped zones.

Q. What's the definition of a quarter tone? A. A bagpiper tuning his drones.

Q. What do bagpipers use for birth control? A. Their personalities.

Q. What's the difference between a dead bagpiper in the road and a dead country singer in the road? A. The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.

Q. What's the range of a bagpipe? A. Twenty yards if you have a good arm.

Q. What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians? A. A bagpiper.

Q. What's one thing you never hear people say? A. Oh, that's the bagpipe player's Porsche.

Q. Why do bagpipers always walk when they play? A. Moving targets are harder to hit.

Q. How do you know if a bagpipe band is at your front door? A. No one knows when to come in.

Q. Why did the bagpiper get mad at the drummer? A. He moved a drone and wouldn't tell him which one.

Q. Why are bagpipers fingers like lightning? A. They rarely strike the same spot twice.

Tom: "Hey, Buddy. How late does the bagpipe band play?" Buddy: "Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer."

Q: What's the difference between a Scotsman and a Rolling Stone? A: A Rolling Stone says "hey you, get off of my cloud!", while a Scotsman says "Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!"

Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune? A. Someone is blowing into it.

Q. Why is a bagpipe like a Scud missile? A. Both are offensive and inaccurate.

HOUNDDAWG  posted on  2011-10-05   17:06:14 ET  Reply   Trace   Private Reply  


#5. To: HOUNDDAWG (#4)

Q: What's the difference between a Scotsman and a Rolling Stone? A: A Rolling Stone says "hey you, get off of my cloud!", while a Scotsman says "Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!"

Now that's funny!

Patriotism is a religion, the egg from which wars are hatched.” Guy de Maupassant

Turtle  posted on  2011-10-07   14:26:50 ET  Reply   Trace   Private Reply  


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