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Health See other Health Articles Title: Top 5 Regrets Of The Dying Top 5 Regrets Of The Dying Wednesday, November 30, 2011 5:39 Bonnie Ware Inspiration and Chai For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives. People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learnt never to underestimate someone's capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them. When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five: 1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made. It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it. 2. I wish I didn't work so hard. This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence. By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle. 3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings. Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result. We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win. 4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends. Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying. It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships. 5. I wish that I had let myself be happier. This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again. When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying. Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness. Post Comment Private Reply Ignore Thread Top • Page Up • Full Thread • Page Down • Bottom/Latest Begin Trace Mode for Comment # 7.
#5. To: abraxas (#0)
Since I just experienced the death of my soulmate. This is great. Neal's regret was leaving me unprotected. He was HAPPY. I have a Book of Neal I take with me werever I go. It is filled with pictures of him, and in all he was happy. This is my greatest accomplishment in my life to this point, I made the best man I ever knew happy. I am left with many regrets. Small regrets, but those are the worst kind. He lived 23 days from discovery of brain cancer to death. I regret working too many hours in July and August, I had some 96 hour weeks and I did not pick up on things fast enough. Biggest regret, on 09/17 3 days before he died he walked our cats over the farm. We loved our cat walks. We would summon them at dusk and walk all five around the pond. It was quite a sight and I missed the last walk. I was in the house on the internet trying to research a way for him to survive glioblastoma multiforme. I am used to being able to wield my intelligence to find a way to win. Not this time. On 09/18, he went to bed at 9PM and I regret not joining him. He never wanted me to be out of his sight at the end. But, I stayed up another hour on the computer trying to find the cheapest cremation I could and I did not want him to see what I was doing. His brain hemorrhage occured five hours later, it was my last chance to talk to him, but I was being practical. I regret spending so much time on the cell phone those last few weeks, but I had to deal with friends and family. Neal only had that one regret. His motto was "Keep it simple stupid." and he lived life on his terms, he was good to friends and family, and he told me he loved me over and over, all day, every day. I had no doubts. My mother lives on our farm, and he nurtured her like he did everyone in his life. He brought her groceries, took her cats to the vet, washed and cared for her car, took her to doctor appointments, and did anything she wanted. Neal passed all 5 of the above tests with flying colors. Bless him.
I'm so happy you enjoyed this little piece, octavia. I feel empathy for your regrets, sweetie, but I also know that you were doing your very best in the most trying time.....and Neal knows this too. Your love endures, what a beautiful testimony you share to its overwhelming power and grace. Take comfort in the truth of knowing that you loved completely every single step of the way.....in the end that is all that matters, not those small regrets. <3
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