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Business/Finance See other Business/Finance Articles Title: My Retirement Plans I have two retirement plans. The first one involves putting money into CDs, Treasury Bills, Savings Bonds, and buying gold and silver. I don't much like the idea of the T-Bills and the Savings Bonds, since the government uses them to fund the federal deficit, but both pay higher interest rates than CDs, which these days are right around two percent per year. Gold and silver always keep their value. Let's put it this way: a good suit of clothes during the Roman Empire cost an ounce of gold. Today, a good suit of clothes cost an ounce of gold. I can't think of anything else that's held its value like precious metals. My second retirement plan involves a shopping cart I found in an alley. I plan on living in it if my first retirement plan doesn't work out the way I want it to. I find I can fit quite comfortably in it. This is good since I might be sleeping in it someday. There are other things I have stored along with my shopping cart. Plastic trash bags, for instance. With a little imagination you can work wonders with them. They'll make an ideal waterproof roof for my shopping-cart home. They also make cheap but very good raincoats. Even clothes, if it comes right down to it. Let's not forget the duct tape, which I believe will last for years. It's great for repairing tears in my plastic garbage bags. Obviously this isn?t very stylish, but if I do end up living in my shopping cart, plastic garbage bags and duct tape are much more important than mere pride and dignity. I also have a big stick. A staff, really. It's about two inches thick and four feet long. It has multiple uses. One is as a cane, which I might need when I'm 75 years old and living in a shopping cart. It's also a weapon, which I will need to smack other retirees attempting to steal my shopping-cart home, my plastic garbage bags, and my duct tape. I also plan on using this stick to smack pigeons, which I've heard are pretty good eating. I estimate I might be eating pigeons because I doubt the $1.98 a month I'll be getting from Social Security will buy much of anything. I also have a Swiss Army Knife, the kind with all the implements. I'll need it to clean the pigeons I smack with my stick. Then once I cook them on the grill I made out of clothes hangers I'll use the knife, fork and spoon to eat the pigeon. I also have a spool of fishing line. Since I was raised near a lake, I learned how to catch crawdads, which I've also heard are pretty good eating. If you take a length of fishing line and put a little piece of bread dough at the end, when you drop the line into the water near the edge of a lake, after a few minutes a crawdad will grab onto the bread dough. Then up he comes and down he goes, after the appropriate amount of time on my clothes-hanger grill. I was raised halfway in between the city and the country. Because of this, I know some of the edible wild plants. Wild onions, for example, which I think would go just fine with pigeons and crawdads. Wild bamboo has many uses. It makes great fishing poles, and when splintered makes great toothpicks, which I'll probably need since I doubt I'll be able to buy toothbrushes. I also have a pipe. Since I doubt I?ll be able to afford tobacco, I'll just take cigarettes out of ashtrays and use the leftover tobacco in them. A pipe will last for years, and it'll save me having to buy rolling papers. I figure I can sit by a lake, smoking my pipe, with my duct-taped plastic garbage bags on my head to protect me from the rain, while I fish with my bamboo fishing pole. I also have some boxes of baking soda, which is just wonderful stuff. It's great for indigestion, which I might suffer from considering the fact I'll mostly be eating pigeons and crawdads cooked with wild onions. Baking soda is great for sunburn, which I?ll probably get considering most of my time will be spent fishing at a lake or else sitting on a park bench waiting for pigeons. It's also great for teeth and gums, and will make a fine addition to my stock of wild bamboo toothpicks. It's best to not put all your eggs in one basket. Backup plans are always good. I don?t like having this second plan for retirement, but since the creation of the unconstitutional Federal Reserve Bank the dollar has lost 95 percent of its value in less than 100 years, I think having my shopping cart is a good idea. Now if only the government would cut all taxes by about 80 percent, get rid of about 80 percent of the job-destroying regulations, and stop destroying the value of our money by inflation, my and everyone else's income would skyrocket. I'd have plenty of money to shove away for retirement. Everyone else would, too. Then I could buy an RV and travel the country after I retire. On the other hand, if someday you see a guy pushing a shopping cart down the street, dressed in duct-taped plastic garbage bags, and smoking a pipe, toss him a quarter. He'll appreciate it, I guarantee you. Bob Wallace, a former newspaper reporter and editor, and an incurable lover of puns from St. Louis, is now traveling the country. Copyright © 2003 LewRockwell.com Poster Comment: He's got it all figured out. Hmmmmm! Bamboo Post Comment Private Reply Ignore Thread Top • Page Up • Full Thread • Page Down • Bottom/Latest
#1. To: Hmmmmm (#0)
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The relationship between morality and liberty is a directly proportional one. "If you love wealth more than liberty, the tranquility of servitude better than the animating contest of freedom, depart from us in peace. We ask not your counsel nor your arms. Crouch down and lick the hand that feeds you. May your chains rest lightly upon you and may posterity forget that you were our countrymen.” —Samuel Adams America: Israel's Handmaiden
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The relationship between morality and liberty is a directly proportional one. "If you love wealth more than liberty, the tranquility of servitude better than the animating contest of freedom, depart from us in peace. We ask not your counsel nor your arms. Crouch down and lick the hand that feeds you. May your chains rest lightly upon you and may posterity forget that you were our countrymen.” —Samuel Adams America: Israel's Handmaiden
Our Turtle nailed it way, way back in '03. Very, very prescient, Bob; thanks. Break the Conventions - Keep the Commandments - G.K.Chesterson I always knew our Turtle was a genius. " Arguing on the internet is like running in the special olympics................................ Even if you win, you're still retarded ": Anyone who has the power to make you believe absurdities also has the power to make you commit atrocities. –Voltaire
How did you find this? I didn't even know it was still on the Internet. I think I wrote this about seven or eight years ago, if not longer. "You shall have fun, no matter what you do." -- Turtle
I was cleaning my room and found a printed copy of "Laboratory of Really Dumb Experiments" under 10 years of garbage. Did a little surfing and found this one. I posted it so everyone would know you're more than just a pug lover. " Arguing on the internet is like running in the special olympics................................ Even if you win, you're still retarded ": Anyone who has the power to make you believe absurdities also has the power to make you commit atrocities. –Voltaire
I remember that...it was about public schools! "You shall have fun, no matter what you do." -- Turtle
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