Directed by a beardy-guy from a cave in Afghanistan, nineteen hard-drinking, coke-snorting, devout Muslims enjoy lap dances before their mission to meet Allah...Using nothing more than craft knifes, they overpower cabin crew, passengers and pilots on four planes...And hangover or not, they manage to give the world's most sophisticated air defense system the slip.
Unphased by leaving their "How to Fly a Passenger Jet" guide in the car at the airport, they master the controls in no-time and score direct hits on two towers, causing THREE to collapse completely...Our masterminds even manage to overpower the odd law of physics or two... and the world watches in awe as steel-framed buildings fall symmetrically - through their own mass - at free-fall speed, for the first time in history.
Despite all their dastardly cunning, they stupidly give their identity away by using explosion-proof passports, which survive the fireball undamaged and fall to the ground... only to be discovered by the incredible crime-fighting sleuths at the FBI.
Hani Hanjour, having previously flunked 2-man Cessna flying school, gets carried away with all the success of the day and suddenly finds incredible abilities behind the controls of a Boeing...Instead of flying straight down into the large roof area of the Pentagon, he decides to show off a little...Executing an incredible 270 degree downward spiral, he levels off to hit the low facade of the world's most heavily defended building......all without a single shot being fired.... or ruining the nicely mowed lawn... and all at a speed just too fast to capture on video.
So desperate to talk to loved ones before their death, some passengers use sheer will-power to connect mobile calls that otherwise would not be possible until several years later.
And following a heroic attempt by some to retake control of Flight 93, it crashes into a Shankesville field leaving no trace of engines, fuselage or occupants... except for the standard issue Muslim terrorists bandana.
President Bush, our brave Commander-in-Chief continues to read "My Pet Goat" [with] a class full of primary school children... shrugging off the obvious possibility that his life could be in imminent danger.
World Trade Center leaseholder Larry Silverstein blesses his own foresight in insuring the buildings against terrorist attack only six weeks previously...While back in Washington, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld and Paul Wolfowitz shake their heads in disbelief at their own luck in getting the 'New Pearl Harbor' catalyzing event they so desired to pursue their agenda of world domination.
And finally, not to be disturbed too much by reports of their own deaths, at least seven of our nineteen suicide hijackers turn up alive and kicking -- in mainstream media reports...
