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Title: A Cowboy's Tombstone
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Published: Nov 3, 2012
Author: Anonymous
Post Date: 2012-11-03 20:41:26 by Turtle
Keywords: None
Views: 539
Comments: 11
1. It’s important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job. 2. It’s important to have a woman who can make you laugh. 3. It’s important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn’t lie to you. 4. It’s important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you. 5. It’s very, very important that these four women do not know each other, or you could end up dead like me.
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#1. To: Turtle, *Humor-Weird News* (#0)
Blonde Cowboy The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots,so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you only wearing your gun, hat, and boots?" The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little redhead asks me to go out to her motor home with her ... so I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt ... so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants...so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts... so I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, Now go to town cowboy........ .... and, here I am"................. SEE.... BLONDE MEN DO EXIST............... Does anyone honestly believe that the global elites whose wealth and power depend on manipulation of the global chess board would leave something like the Presidency up to chance?
What do men and mascara have in common? What do men and pantyhose have in common? What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man? What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? What is the difference between men and women? What's a man's definition of a romantic evening? What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship? What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups? What's the best way to kill a man? What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man? What's the smartest thing a man can say? What's the quickest way to a man's heart? Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? Why can't men get mad cow disease? Why did God create man before woman? Why did God create man before woman? Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born? Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating? Why do jocks play on artificial turf? Why do little boys whine? Why do men like smart women? Why is it good that there are female astronauts? Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women? Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? Does anyone honestly believe that the global elites whose wealth and power depend on manipulation of the global chess board would leave something like the Presidency up to chance?
....The new Men's Thesaurus - on sale now at your local book stores!..... "I'M GOING FISHING" IT'S A GUY THING" "CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" "UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..." "IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" "I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND." "TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD". "THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR." "YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS." "I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES". "OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL." "HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING". "I CAN'T FIND IT." "WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?" "I HEARD YOU." "YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE." "YOU LOOK TERRIFIC." "I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE." "WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK." Does anyone honestly believe that the global elites whose wealth and power depend on manipulation of the global chess board would leave something like the Presidency up to chance?
One for the ladies One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat- shirt. And they say blondes are dumb... Q: Why do little boys whine? Does anyone honestly believe that the global elites whose wealth and power depend on manipulation of the global chess board would leave something like the Presidency up to chance?
OINK! OINK!!!
#2. To: Turtle (#0)
They both run at the first sign of emotion.
They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
Four guys watching a football game.
The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
Sex.
Telling you his real name.
Put the remote control between his toes.
Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
Big Foot's been spotted several times.
"My wife says..."
Straight through the rib cage.
So men can understand them.
Because they're all pigs.
He didn't want any advice.
Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
To stop the snoring before it starts.
To keep them from grazing.
Because they are practicing to be men.
Opposites attract.
When the crew gets lost in space, at least the woman will ask for directions.
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
They all already have boyfriends.
#3. To: Turtle (#0)
Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid,and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".
Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
Means: "I have no idea how it works."
Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."
Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
Means: "Are you still talking?"
Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
Means: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
Means: "What did you catch me at?"
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."
Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."
Means: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."
#4. To: Turtle (#0)
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
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A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
--------------------------------------
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
--------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
--------------------------------------
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
--------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
A: They are practicing to be men.
--------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
--------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
--------------------------------------
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
--------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
#5. To: farmfriend (#2)
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they're all pigs.
-Alex Kurtagic
#6. To: X-15 (#5)
LOL
Does anyone honestly believe that the global elites whose wealth and power depend on manipulation of the global chess board would leave something like the Presidency up to chance?
#7. To: farmfriend (#4)
Nice roll.
“The most dangerous man to any government is the man who is able to think things out... without regard to the prevailing superstitions and taboos. Almost inevitably he comes to the conclusion that the government he lives under is dishonest, insane, intolerable.” ~ H. L. Mencken
#8. To: farmfriend (#4)
I like my women the way I like whiskey: 16 years old and mixed with coke.
There are actually govt agents who spread conspiracy theories among the gullible to help promote the illusion that the govt is all powerful.
#9. To: Turtle (#8)
A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending On where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example- If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged And masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, She tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth... And a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire. No further studies are expected.
Does anyone honestly believe that the global elites whose wealth and power depend on manipulation of the global chess board would leave something like the Presidency up to chance?
#10. To: farmfriend (#2)
How can one infer Biblically that there no women in heaven? Revelation 8:1 And when he had opened the seventh seal, there was silence in heaven about the space of half an hour.Why did God create man before woman?
He didn't want any advice.
the quality of a man’s life is directly proportionate to
his commitment to excellence.’
#11. To: Buzzard (#10)
LOL
Does anyone honestly believe that the global elites whose wealth and power depend on manipulation of the global chess board would leave something like the Presidency up to chance?
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