The Curious Case Of Cerebral Impotence ( A Love Story)

The World Health Organization has recently released a warning about a newly formed SARS-like virus, avian flu, swine flu, seal flu, and any other flu your demented imagination can come up with. They talk about epidemics, pandemics, even a lack of medics. They pimp vaccines like they were high class Vegas hookers. They give dire predictions about AIDS, antibiotic resistant STD’s, and the return of smallpox. Unfortunately, the one thing they NEVER talk about is the recent epidemic that has swept through America. Using undiscovered research, I have learned that this new epidemic is called “Cerebral Impotence.” There are very few early warning signs so it is incredibly hard to diagnose. Symptoms of this unclassified and unrecognized (by the medical profession) disease include an unrequited love for Jersey Shore and all things Honey Boo-Boo. The disease uses television to slowly eat away at the cerebrum of the patient until finally the patient sits locked away for hours watching Road Rules re-runs and Jersey Shore spinoffs, until what’s left of their brain slowly leaks out of their ears. It is at this point that the patient becomes nothing more than a modern day mummy.

In my attempts to learn more about this disease, I actually sought out a member of society that has been afflicted with this horrible disease. I asked the subject when the last time they picked up a book was. The subjects eyes glazed over and they began to drool on themselves. The subject seemed unaffected by this. I then stated that Jersey Shore was a horrible show that did nothing but dumb down the populace. At this point the subjects eyes widened and it let out a blood curdling scream. The subject then picked me up and power bombed me on the hood of my car. In an effort to ward off further attacks, I mentioned the word politics. Suddenly the subject went back to drooling on itself. The threat was neutralized. I decided at that point that this required further investigation. I hired a crack team of 7 to help me expand my studies. I warned them to avoid disparaging remarks about certain reality television shows. However, they decided not to heed my warnings, and as a result, three ended up in the hospital, two were eaten alive by rabid Toddlers and Tiaras fans, and one of them had a sex change and now works in Vegas as a Snooki impersonator. The lone remaining employee I had now resides in a mental facility where he stays curled up in the fetal position and mumbles incoherent gibberish with the words Hillbilly Handfishing thrown in every few minutes or so.

However, the study wasn’t a complete loss as we learned how to prevent this horrible affliction. During our study, we took notes on people who were NOT afflicted with this disease. They all shared three things in common. Below I will list each thing with my completely unscientific opinion as to why it helps ward off this disease.

1. Books: It appears that reading helps stimulate the brain. It cultivates imagination, and thinking. One of the byproducts of books is a curious thing called “Learning”.
2. Critical Thinking: The one thing all these people had in common was critical thinking. They thought for themselves and formed their own educated opinions on various subjects. Unlike the skills our politicians have, this one is actually quite useful.
3. Limited TV Time: One thing I noticed right off the bat, was that these people who were able to ward of Cerebral Impotence, spent very little time in front of the TV. In fact, one of the healthy subjects I interviewed spent our time together shooting his five televisions with a 9mm while yelling “Bastard” and “Son of an Electronic Whore!” the whole process was amusing but it made me realize that lack of tv equals lack of cerebral impotence.

In conclusion, it is my highly (unscientific) recommendation that you shoot your tv, open a book, and start thinking for yourselves. Otherwise, you could become the next victim of this (unrecognized by the medical profession) brain eating disease. Fare thee well my friends. Tread lightly and may your path be lit with the lights of knowledge.

 Your friend,

Dr. (not really) Snarky Snarkerson