I’ve recently been made aware of a strange new tribe who refer to themselves collectively—they do everything collectively—as “progressives.” I think they used to call themselves “liberals” until it became clear that they don’t care much for liberty. Males and females in this tribe both tend to wear beards and gather in urban coastal areas, where they pay too much for apartments, water, coffee, and bean sprouts.

They speak a strange and exotic tongue unfamiliar to my ears. But they repeat certain terms so frequently, I feel as if I’ve begun to get a handle on what they’re driving at. To the best of my ability, I will try to decipher what these buzzwords mean.

ACTIVIST—A person who isn’t actively performing activities at an actual job.
ANTI-RACIST—A person who makes everything about race.
APOLOGIST—Explainer.
BLAMING THE VICTIM—Daring to suggest that conflicts between humans are often complicated and that it’s therefore childishly naïve to believe that one person is always entirely guilty and the other is always entirely innocent.
BULLIES—People who must be bullied into silence.
CHOICE—The act of forcing people to pay for a woman’s one-night stands.
CORPORATIONS—Malevolent yet generally non-coercive superorganisms that must be combated with a malevolent and entirely coercive superorganism known as government.
CRITICAL THINKING—The act of swallowing the laughably implausible tenets of blank-slate equality without asking a single question.
CULTURAL IMPERIALISM—An antiquated system that must be destroyed in order to pave the way for the newer, more global form of cultural imperialism.
CULTURAL OTHER—White heterosexual Christian males.
DEBUNKED/DISCREDITED—A topic or idea that we don’t really want to address, because we haven’t actually debunked or discredited it.

DISADVANTAGED—Dumb and unskilled.
DISENFRANCHISED—People who’ve received a free public education yet still can’t spell “disenfranchised.”
DIVERSITY—A magical incantation used to divert your attention from the fact that it is strikingly similar to the words “divide” and “division.”
DOG WHISTLE—A high-pitched screech from the enemy that only progressives are able to hear. Lately this term has been deemed offensive to canines and should therefore be replaced with “coded speech” wherever possible.
ELITES—Wealthy people on the political right. This term is never used to describe wealthy people on the left who control much of the media, government, and academia.
EMPOWERED—Loud and annoying.
EQUALITY—A concept that nearly everyone believes but no one has bothered to prove.
EVOLUTION—An indisputably true biological process that stopped occurring roughly 100,000 years ago when everyone became equal. Only Christians don’t believe it’s real, and only racists believe it didn’t stop 100,000 years ago.
EXTREMIST—Someone whose beliefs make us extremely uncomfortable.
FAIRNESS—A political strategy requiring that winners be treated unfairly.
FALSE EQUIVALENCY—A real equivalency that suggests our beliefs are false.
FASCIST—One who must not be tolerated under any circumstances and should instead be either lynched, sent to a gas chamber, or stomped under our boots.
FAUX NEWS—A biased news channel that presents an alternative to our preferred version of biased and false news.
FIGHTING THE POWER—Allowing oneself to be used as the unwitting tool of global power elites.
FORWARD—The direction one moves when headed toward a cliff.
FLYOVER STATES—Where the bad people live.
GLOBAL VILLAGE—A concentration camp from which there is no escape.
GLOBAL WARMING—A fashion trend that replaced the global-cooling fashion trend of the 1970s.
GOVERNMENT AID—Money the government takes from taxpayers and then partially redistributes to non-taxpayers after taking a cut for itself.
GRASS-ROOTS—Elite-orchestrated protests that occur in places where there is usually no grass and plenty of cement.
GREEN—Naïve and inexperienced.
GUN NUT—Anyone who owns a gun yet doesn’t belong to the group that actually commits the majority of American gun violence.
HATRED—Anything that we hate.
HERSTORY—The part of history that is usually ignored because not much really happened.
HETERONORMATIVE—Sexually normal.
HIERARCHICAL—Anything that posits there is true diversity among human individuals and groups when it comes to skills and intelligence.

HOMOPHOBE—Someone with a distaste for sex that involves feces and AIDS.
HONEST CONVERSATION ABOUT RACE—Condescending lecture about race.
INDIGENOUS—Anyone too stupid to figure out how to defend one’s own land.
INSTITUTIONAL RACISM—A persistent hallucination of ubiquitous racism that is so deranged, anyone who experiences such hallucinations should be institutionalized.
ISLAMOPHOBE—Someone so terrified of Islamic retribution, they’re afraid to say anything bad about Islam.
LEVELING THE PLAYING FIELD—Severely tilting the playing field to achieve unnaturally equal results.
LOOKISM—A term used by ugly people to explain why beautiful people won’t fuck them.
LOW-INFORMATION VOTER—A voter who refuses to accept our brand of low information.
MARRIAGE EQUALITY—The act of pretending that two people of the same sex who can’t produce children are equivalent to opposite-sex couples who can produce children.
MISOGYNIST—One who believes that women are human beings who are fully capable of intentionally harming others.
NEANDERTHAL—A term that became acceptable to apply to those of European ancestry shortly after it no longer became acceptable to refer to those of African ancestry as apes.
NEGATIVITY—Anything that negates our naïve worldview.
NONPROFIT—A tax-exempt organization that pays its staff members handsome salaries.
OBJECTIFICATION—The act of noticing that women possess an object called a vagina.
OCCUPIER—Someone who eagerly flouts the law and will eagerly threaten lawsuits if you challenge them.
OFFENSIVE—Things that hurt our feelings and thus make us go on the offensive, whether through litigation or mob action, in order to counter them.
ON THE WRONG SIDE OF HISTORY—Someone who actually understands history and thus can see where all this is going.
OPEN-MINDED—Someone whose mind is closed to anyone who questions modern culture and modern authoritarian structures.
OUT OF TOUCH—Unresponsive to our relentless propaganda.
PARANOID—Justifiably skeptical of human nature and the manmade power organisms through which it operates.
PATRIARCHY—The group who invents everything, does most of the work, fights the wars, is at a legal disadvantage in gender disputes, and dies younger.
PSEUDOSCIENCE—Actual science that makes us pseudo-crazy.
PROGRESSIVE—Someone who sees no contradiction in using the almighty state’s blunt force to help “Fight the Power.”
PROGRESSIVE POLITICS—Politics that favor a government that is progressively intrusive.
PROGRESSIVISM—The idea that progress can only be achieved by transforming the First World into the Third World.
RACIST—A word used by anyone, white or not, who hates white people.
RACISM—A derogatory scare word to describe a natural tribal instinct that is currently forbidden to only one tribe.
RAPE CULTURE—A fantasy society dreamed of by women who fantasize about being raped.
REDNECK—A racial slur used to describe people we assume are always using racial slurs.
RIGHTS—Things we wish to take away from the political right.
SEX-POSITIVE—A term almost exclusively used by someone with whom you would positively never want to have sex.
SOCIAL CONSTRUCT—A term used frequently by people who have never constructed anything of social value.
SOCIAL CONTRACT—A nonexistent legal document that no one in society has ever signed yet which binds everyone under threat of force.
SOCIAL JUSTICE—A fairy-tale belief system positing that the winners are solely responsible for the losers’ plight.
SOCIOPATH—A non-socialist.
STARTING A DIALOGUE—Starting a monologue.
SUSTAINABILITY—A term that applies strictly to agriculture and the environment and is never to be used in economic, demographic, or cultural contexts.
TOLERANCE—Ideological intolerance.
TRANSFORMATIVE—Something in the process of accelerated change, as in when a normal cell mutates into a cancer cell.
TRIVIALIZE—To weigh mitigating circumstances and/or place into a proper historical context.
TRUTH TO POWER—The act of speaking obvious untruths in a quest to gain political power.
UPRISING—A violent riot characterized by looting, arson, rape, murder, and random acts of cannibalism.
URBAN—Negroidal.
WHITE—The color of evil.
WHITE PRIVILEGE—The honor of being constantly blamed for everything bad throughout world history.
WHITE SUPREMACIST—Any white person who isn’t constantly apologizing for their skin color.
WORKING CLASS—A heroic tribe of simple-yet-noble people we’ve never met but have read about in books.