(Tallahassee, Florida) America's Best Christian, Mrs. Betty Bowers, has announced plans to open a halfway house exclusively for George and Barbara Bush's grandchildren. "We wanted it to be available to others, but with the nursing shortage, we are probably going to be too busy already just attending to the sundry addictions of America's First Family of Politics," said Mrs. Bowers as she cut the ribbon. "Whereas White House occupant Betty Ford opened a facility to keep Liza Minnelli off the street, this is a way of returning the favor by – finally – providing a place for people in the White House to dry out."
"When I saw the mug shot of Noelle Bush on CNN I didn't recognize her at first" said Mrs. Betty Bowers on FOX News. "I instinctively asked my personal shopper Anne Thrope if all of our Christian Crack Whores in Tallahassee were accounted for. I remember running into Noelle at the GOP convention in Philadelphia, but she didn't have the glassy-eyed look of someone who pops curiously strong Xanax and Vicodin like Altoids. And believe me, as spiritual advisor to Laura Bush, that is a look I would have recognized. When Bar told me to keep an eye on the addict, I thought she was directing my attention to the podium for the acceptance speech. Fortunately, with Jenna and Barbara two seats away, I was keeping a close watch over my purse anyway. And we were all on edge after Liddy Dole's bag – the oversize one covered in carpet – had been rummaged through. Nine of her cute little airline bottles of Captain Morgan were missing before the invocation."
Mrs. Bowers was shocked that Mrs. Betty Bowers Christian Crack Whore Ministry, LLC (Cayman Islands) has no franchise in the lucrative "redneck region" of Florida. "The fact that one of the Bushes was caught trying to get high would, of course, never raise an eyebrow amongst those of us who know them," said Mrs. Bowers. "But the realization that I had missed a marketing opportunity to draw tithes from a family teeming with more junkies than the set of Friends, was very disturbing to a Christian businesswoman such as myself!"
Mrs. Bowers immediately picked up the phone and called Columba Bush. "I knew Columba because she operates a duty-free store out of the back of her Mercedes. Katherine Harris had gotten a divine Louis Seize 18 karat gold eye shadow mortar and pestle kit from Columba and I'd picked up the most lovely Cartier watches from her for a song two years ago. Naturally, Mrs. Bush was very perturbed that the media were carrying stories about her daughter running out to Wal-Mart to take the edge off her crank-high with a bucket of Xanax."
Poster Comment:
Betty Bowers is always refreshing when I need a dash of christianity.