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Title: Did I read that sign right?
Source: [None]
URL Source: [None]
Published: Dec 20, 2013
Author: .
Post Date: 2013-12-20 00:22:24 by farmfriend
Ping List: *Humor-Weird News*     Subscribe to *Humor-Weird News*
Keywords: None
Views: 485
Comments: 14

Did I read that sign right?

some of these are old but still funny!

“TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW”
They really mean it?

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
(I sure hope so)
ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? Ya think

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!

War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain;Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?

Man Struck By Lightning:Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
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#1. To: farmfriend (#0)

That's some good stuff! Thanks for posting that.

Americans who have no experience with, or knowledge of, tyranny believe that only terrorists will experience the unchecked power of the state. They will believe this until it happens to them, or their children, or their friends.

Paul Craig Roberts

James Deffenbach  posted on  2013-12-20   0:57:58 ET  Reply   Trace   Private Reply  

Thank you. That was delightful.

"“Believe nothing merely because you have been told it. Do not believe what your teacher tells you merely out of respect for the teacher. But whatsoever, after due examination and analysis, you find to be kind, conducive to the good, the benefit, the welfare of all beings - that doctrine believe and cling to, and take it as your guide.” ~ Gautama Siddhartha — The Buddha

Any sufficiently advanced evil is indistinguishable from stupidity. ~ Unk (Paraphrase of Clarke's 3rd Law: "Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.")

Original_Intent  posted on  2013-12-20   1:05:13 ET  Reply   Trace   Private Reply  

100MPH Goat -

Two Montana rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground.

They approach it and are amazed at the size of it.

The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is!"

The second hunter says," I don't know. Let's throw somethin' down there, Listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says, "Hey, there's an old automobile transmission over There. Give me a hand, we'll throw it in and see."

So they pick it up and carry it over and count one, two, three and heave it in the hole. They are standing there listening, looking over the edge, when they hear a rustling behind them. As they turn around, they see a goat Come crashing through the underbrush, run up to the hole and, without hesitation, jump in head first.

While they are standing there staring at each other in amazement, peering Into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer saunters up.

"Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' bout a hunnert Miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this here hole!"

The old farmer said, "Naw, that's impossible! I had him chained to a transmission."

“The most dangerous man to any government is the man who is able to think things out... without regard to the prevailing superstitions and taboos. Almost inevitably he comes to the conclusion that the government he lives under is dishonest, insane, intolerable.” ~ H. L. Mencken

Lod  posted on  2013-12-20   9:31:07 ET  Reply   Trace   Private Reply  

LOL

farmfriend  posted on  2013-12-20   11:09:13 ET  Reply   Trace   Private Reply  

Good one. Thanks for the laugh.

Americans who have no experience with, or knowledge of, tyranny believe that only terrorists will experience the unchecked power of the state. They will believe this until it happens to them, or their children, or their friends.

Paul Craig Roberts

James Deffenbach  posted on  2013-12-20   11:56:39 ET  Reply   Trace   Private Reply  

Yeah - I didn't see that coming at all.

“The most dangerous man to any government is the man who is able to think things out... without regard to the prevailing superstitions and taboos. Almost inevitably he comes to the conclusion that the government he lives under is dishonest, insane, intolerable.” ~ H. L. Mencken

Lod  posted on  2013-12-20   12:17:50 ET  Reply   Trace   Private Reply  

These remind me of the old johnny carson bits. Speaking of which I saw tim conway & carol burnett on piers morgan the other day. Conway has a son on kfi: he's a neocon statist which unfortunately soils the image of his father; imo.

"Even to the death fight for truth, and the LORD your God will battle for you". Sirach 4:28

Artisan  posted on  2013-12-20   15:03:53 ET  Reply   Trace   Private Reply  

Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know exactly where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! -- there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then He said, 'For crying out loud, Bill, what in the world happened to you?'

Bill replied, 'I've been in jail.'

'Jail?' cried Sam. 'What in the world for?'

'Well,' Bill said, 'You know Alexis, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?'

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me, and, at 92 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled GUILTY.'

'The damn judge gave me 30 days for PERJURY.'

farmfriend  posted on  2013-12-20   22:59:27 ET  Reply   Trace   Private Reply  

Carol just got an award for something. they were showing a lot of the old skits. loved that show.

farmfriend  posted on  2013-12-20   23:00:18 ET  Reply   Trace   Private Reply  

Three old ladies named Penelope, Maude and Gladys were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.

The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

Penelope immediately had a stroke.

Then Maude also had a stroke.

But Gladys, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.

farmfriend  posted on  2013-12-20   23:01:33 ET  Reply   Trace   Private Reply  

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"

The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"

"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!" states the doctor proudly.

The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

"No problem," replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my Moped!"

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly.

WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH!

Something whips by him going much faster. "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari" the doctor asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph.

WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!

He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh My Gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man whispers, "Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror."

farmfriend  posted on  2013-12-20   23:03:42 ET  Reply   Trace   Private Reply  

Damn, Gladys, take your glucosamine, girl!

Make your stroke felt.

“The most dangerous man to any government is the man who is able to think things out... without regard to the prevailing superstitions and taboos. Almost inevitably he comes to the conclusion that the government he lives under is dishonest, insane, intolerable.” ~ H. L. Mencken

Lod  posted on  2013-12-20   23:14:31 ET  Reply   Trace   Private Reply  

Talk about the rubberband man. Gotta love those suspenders!

purplerose  posted on  2013-12-21   0:07:01 ET  Reply   Trace   Private Reply  

Thanks for the great thread.

That last one reminded me of this one:

--

A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon.

Search and rescue workers have found two survivors and recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

Pinguinite  posted on  2013-12-21   3:26:33 ET  Reply   Trace   Private Reply  

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