WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—After announcing, on Thursday, that it would seek $500 million to help “train and equip appropriately vetted elements of the moderate Syrian armed opposition,” the White House today posted the following Moderate Syrian Rebel Application Form: Welcome to the United States’ Moderate Syrian Rebel Vetting Process. To see if you qualify for $500 million in American weapons, please choose an answer to the following questions:
As a Syrian rebel, I think the word or phrase that best describes me is: A) Moderate B) Very moderate C) Crazy moderate D) Other
I became a Syrian rebel because I believe in: A) Truth B) Justice C) The American Way D) Creating an Islamic caliphate
If I were given a highly lethal automatic weapon by the United States, I would: A) Only kill exactly the people that the United States wanted me to kill B) Try to kill the right people, with the caveat that I have never used an automatic weapon before C) Kill people only after submitting them to a rigorous vetting process D) Immediately let the weapon fall into the wrong hands
I have previously received weapons from: A) Al Qaeda B) The Taliban C) North Korea D) I did not receive weapons from any of them because after they vetted me I was deemed way too moderate
I consider ISIS: A) An existential threat to Iraq B) An existential threat to Syria C) An existential threat to Iraq and Syria D) The people who will pick up my American weapon after I drop it and run away
Complete the following sentence. “American weapons are…” A) Always a good thing to randomly add to any international hot spot B) Exactly what this raging civil war has been missing for the past three years C) Best when used moderately D) Super easy to resell online
Thank you for completing the Moderate Syrian Rebel Application Form. We will process your application in the next one to two business days. Please indicate a current mailing address where you would like your weapons to be sent. If there is no one to sign for them we will leave them outside the front door.
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Photograph by RGA/REA/Redux.