MENLO PARK (The Borowitz Report)—Millions of Americans awoke on Monday to the shocking news that a gigantic corporation with unprecedented power over their lives had allegedly abused that power for commercial gain. Across the United States, stunned consumers were shaking their heads in disbelief after learning that a gargantuan company whose explicit goal is to make as many billions of dollars as possible through any means available would put its own interests ahead of those of its customers.
“It never would have occurred to me that an enormous corporation with the ability to track over half a billion customers would ever exploit that advantage in any way,” said Harland Dorrinson, twenty-nine, a caterer from Albuquerque. “Like a lot of other people, I feel used.”
Carol Foyler, thirty-eight, a human-resources administrator from Pittsburgh, echoed the reactions of many who were blindsided by the news. “I definitely feel like I’ve lost my innocence today,” she said. “If you can’t trust a multi- billion-dollar corporation to do the right thing, who can you trust?”