People who are terrified of bees, or the thought of human beings having sexual intercourse with bees, or the thought of dying, please be forewarned that you may find what I am about to tell you highly disturbing. A 35-year-old Swedish man known as “Hasse” was found dead outside of his farm this week in Ystad after having sex with a hornets’ nest. Let that sink in for a moment. Sex with bees. SOMEONE WANTED TO FUCK A SWARM OF HORNETS. Hasse’s bloated corpse had a total of 146 wasp stings, including 54 on his penis and balls. At this point you might be thinking to yourself, OK. So this guy got stung to death. That’s awful. It happened Macaulay Culkin in “My Girl” and I bawled my face off. But how did they know Hasse died specifically from having sex with a hornets’ nest? Oh, because they found Hasse’s semen on some of the dead wasps and his pubic hair in their nest.
I’m sure you can’t imagine this story getting worse, but, oh, it does. Animal rights activists are more torn up about the death of wasps than they are about Hasse’s passing. A poem, which received 10,000 likes on Facebook, was written to memorialize the dead bees:
“A little black, a little yellow, beaten in confusion. Hums no more for not wearing wings. Life no longer offered and the Queen sees soldier crawling on the ground in despair. Death is a fact. Oh, where did the summer road, buddy? All our tours and adventures. Floating in sweat, grains, blood and tears. Do not leave me, baby. A little black, a little yellow, all innocent. Buzz, buzz, buzz, knocking on heaven’s door.”
And who will write a poem in honor of Hasse, I ask? He was merely a man who fucked the wrong hornets’ nest and paid with his life. Buzz, buzz, buzz, old buddy.