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Pious Perverts See other Pious Perverts Articles Title: Benjamin Shapiro, Manly Man! It must be hard being Benjamin Shapiro. Standing in front of a full-length mirror in a jockstrap, making tuff faces, wondering why you're 21 and have twelvish biceps, being puzzled why the babes can't perceive the aura of coolness that billows around you like clouds of perfume...and then every damned time, without fail, your shriveled pair makes your strap plop down around your ankles. Honestly, what's a boy to do? Dry your eyes, I suppose, gaze with admiration and longing upon your Alexander poster of a buff Brad Pitt, hitch up a pair of tighty-whities (the ones with the special "Frank 'n' Beans" codpiece to avoid those embarassing and sometimes not-so-surreptitious public glances), slip your feet into your penny loafers, and thence to the keyboard, trying hopelessly to get that testosterone level to, well, low-normal at least. I know that's a hard task, what with the genetically determined wimpification and all, but Benjie does give it the old kindergarten try. Recently he's tried to get the glands to chug out the manly hormones by attacking Pat Buchanan in an execrable column he wrote at the even more execrable WorldnetDaily, a site that used to be pretty good, until publisher Joseph Farah looked down one day and noticed his pair had shriveled up on him, too. I don't agree with everything Pat Buchanan writes, but I do know he is an honorable man. Shapiro is neither honorable, nor a man. What he is, then? He's...wait a minute...what's that sound I hear? Oh, yeah, there it is: "Buk, buk, buk." That's the squawk of the Chickenhawk, that species that will not fight under any circumstances but instead stands on the sidelines yelling, "Throw the ball there. Okay, now throw it over here." Benjie's one of those doing the yelling. He's also one of those who will never, ever get onto the field and into the game. That's what having a shriveled pair will do to you, along with shrieking, putting a glass on top of a spider encountered in the kitchen, then, with trembling girlish fingers, calling the exterminator. Buchanan, naughty boy that Benjie thinks he is, caused him to wax wroth when Buchanan wrote a column castigating blundering, war-mongering presidents from Wilson to FDR to Truman to Kennedy to Bush. He's also suggested we give foreign aid to Hamas. They are, after all, democratically elected (the only democracy, in the Middle East, you know, hee hee). Benjie had a conniption fit over Buchanan's column. What, not invade the Middle East to conquer it for Israel's sake, using as a smokescreen the rationalization of pounding democracy into the wogs? Benjie ignores the wisdom of his betters, such as Jesus and Aesop, both of whom noticed that all tyrants call themselves benefactors. Instead, like every Chickenhawk, Benjie drools for war, as long as his eunuch-smooth complexion is never put at risk. Here are some of the words the frenzied Benjie tapped out about Buchanan: "anti-Semitic...ignorant...moral blindness...myopic bigotry...wisdom and patriotism must be questioned...arrogance...laughable..." Ooh, dem's fighting words, pardner! Not that Benjie's going to do any fighting, except with his mouth, from behind his computer, from his parents' basement. Certainly not in Iraq, or Afghanistan...or Israel. Let's cut to the chase, here. Shapiro is a Zionist Jew, and a crazed and cowardly one at that. He puts Israel first. Buchanan is an American. He puts America first. It's as simple as that, once you get beyond the farrago of obscuring, hate-filled verbiage that Shapiro spewed. He may pretend he's a patriot, but that's true only if you define patriotism not as the last refuge of a scoundrel, but the first. If you think it isn't that simple, Shapiro once wrote a bizarre column, again for WorldnetDaily, in which he hooted, and hooted loudly, for genocide. Hey, wait a minute once again! Isn't genocide what the Nazis supposedly did to some Jews...and some Christians...and some homosexuals...and some Gypsies...and some Masons? Or is there good genocide, and not-so-good genocide? In Benjieworld, in a word, yep. Once you get past Benjie's duplicitous words, what he writes boils down to this: "Kill them all. Kill them all, and kill all their kids, too." He tells us the story of Jewish holiday Purim, in which ancient Jews, during a two-day period, killed "75,000 Jew haters" throughout the Persian Empire, "800 in the capital [sic] city of Shushan alone." Like, brrr! All 75,000 of them were "Jew haters"? Even the infants? Wow! Even better, Benjie describes this little tiff is as "God's hand...revealed though...the actions of men." Neat! I'll say this, though: it doesn't sound like a Kodak moment to me, not when you're skewering some kid on a stick. Still, I must say, it is way-cool that Benjie has personal knowledge of God's hand and who He's smacking with it. Benjie refers to all "Jew haters" as "Amalek," and tells us it "refers to a real, physical nation. Jews are enjoined to kill descendants of that nation." Benjie defines a Jew hater as...well, anyone he defines as a Jew hater. To him, Buchanan is a Jew-hater, ergo, he is an Amalek, ergo, he should be killed. And his kids, too! Hey, ain't it a hate crime to say such things? Or even to think them? You know -- like the people who point out only about a million Jews died in "the Holocaust," not six million? If you want to do an interesting thought-experiment with Benjie's piece, replace "Jew" with "Nazi" and "anti-Semite" with Jew. You'll find that Benjie's twisted soul is no different than a Nazi's. At least the Nazis had nifty uniforms, ones I suspect Benjie pines for in a quasi-homoerotic kind of way. (By the way, Benjie wrote a book about the evil of pornography, very ironic since Jews dominate the industry both as performers and producers.) I wonder what's going to happen to Benjie in the years to come? On the one hand, I suspect he might turn into a more rabid version of Norman "Poddy" Podhoretz, whom I'm sure wants to forget a little episode in which he ignored what every mirror told him, put the make on Jackie Kennedy, and then got flicked away like a booger on her hand with the comment, "Mr. Podhoretz, just who do you think you are?" That last comment also applies to Benjie: Just who does he think he is? Obviously, a 21-year-old who's smarter than Buchanan, the Founding Fathers, and the wisdom of the world. Why? Well, just cuz. Just cuz Americans are supposed to expend blood and treasure defending Israel. Just cuz Benjie says so, without exactly coming out and admitting what is really is -- an Israel-firster, as opposed to an America-firster. On the other hand, he might turn into Betty Friedan, who recently gave up the ghost, thereby losing her title as Ugliest Woman in the World. Betty had a Poddy-moment in her life, too, when her overstuffed suitcase burst at an airport, spilling, ahem, "marital aids" onto the floor. Benjie might not go either way. Lookswise, he's a cross between a wimpier version of Ted Bundy and the crypto-gay Prince Namor of Atlantis. With that kind of pedigee, and having almost no sense whatsoever, I suspect he'll crash and burn early, then spend the rest of his life walking the streets, muttering, "Amaleks...it's their fault...damned Amaleks...shoulda killed their dogs, too." What can I say? He's got a head full of tangled, sputtering, shorted-out brain-wiring. For that matter, so does WorldNetDaily, for running a genocide-promoting nutcase, one who thinks God gave him the right to kill Pat Buchanan.
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