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(s)Elections See other (s)Elections Articles Title: Rocking The Hipster Vote For Hillary My last article about the San Jose Peoples’ Liberation Egg Throwing Squad garnered quite a few emails. And now in the newspaper, it appears that Bernie Sanders is unable to put out the fires on his numbers one, two, three, and four engines and his campaign is going down in flames. People are saying, “Gosh, it looks like we might have to throw our support behind Hillary. No! Really? Do you think? I couldn’t have predicted that without the Magic Eight Ball! Let me guess…Hillary will probably find a place for Bernie in her campaign. And then that’ll pull in all the young hipsters that were supporting Bernie when they weren’t out throwing eggs at the cops in San Jose. What a waste of good eggs. I could have made a chef’s salad with those. Hillary has to find a way to appeal to the hipsters besides being, uh, what was the attraction again? I don’t get it, honestly. See, hipsters generally run around priding themselves on being so non-conformist but when it comes to voting, they seem to be tied to the Democrats by the laces of their Doc Martens. You know, fads sweep through the hipster community like a wildfire in a sustainably logged forest. By the way, those fires can’t be put out with harvested rainwater from your household tank. I’ve seen them all. Back in the day when I got tattoos (yeah, yeah, spare me the questions), they tended to alarm people no matter what bird they were. Nowadays, everyone has got them. People say, “Do you regret those?” And I say unto them, “Only so far as everyone is getting them now. Other than that, no.” I find myself often amazed at what passes for “culture” in this nation, but even more puzzled by what passes for a “subculture” or “counterculture”. If these people don’t realize it’s all coming from Wall Street marketing groups, then they’ve been ingesting far too much Salvia Divinorum. And if they don’t realize the Democrats tap into that, then they don’t remember Bill Clinton’s presidential campaign. But of course, they don’t. Many of these hipsters weren’t born yet. There was Bill, rocking the vote with his shades and saxophone. It wasn’t a campaign, it was a music video. I think you can find the soundtrack now at used bookstores. Look, kiddies, Papa Jack will be more than happy to write for you the next counterculture trend in exchange for twenty pounds of good Balkan/Oriental pipe tobacco, a couple new briar pipes, a new canvas backpack, a good canvas vest with pockets, and some other sundries that cannot be taxed as income. Yes, let’s call them donations. In exchange, not only do I provide the new counterculture trend, but I absolve you of any responsibility to vote for Hillary Clinton. You can have your local print shop run off some bumper stickers that say “Papa Jack Says: Friends Don’t Let Friends Vote For Hillary—Or Anyone Else”. You can slap them on your battered Subaru or cherished VW Bug and then you’ll really be bucking the trend. That Hillary is going to sweep up people that usually claim they think outside the box (of organic ding-dongs, I guess), is an obvious conclusion. These people sure do follow the leader like automated robots, albeit ones with dreadlocks dyed purple. Hey, look, I think everyone should look different. I mean, I’m the only guy in Tucson here walking around wearing knee-high snake-proof boots and a kufi, after all. But people, really, must we all vote like we’re somehow betraying the cause if we don’t? Have you not discovered the “cause” is a farce of comical proportions that not even a Jerry Lewis slapstick could have predicted? Cause? What cause? Supposing there’s a cause assumes we have a government worthy enough to devote attention to “changing”. Speaking of which, did any of you folks notice this Hillary worked for the LAST GUY talking about “change”? I mean, this is as easy to predict as the sunshine in the desert during summer. The only thing that might shock me slightly is if Hillary doesn’t pull Bernie into her campaign. She needs him for the Hipster Vote so they’ll all sit outside the natural foods store and disc golf events gathering people to register as Democrats and vote for Hillary. I wouldn’t have put it past the two of them to have even planned it as drama. Bernie will probably do a rousing “rally the troops” speech like Eisenhower allegedly did for the troops heading into the mass human sacrifice of D-Day. Here to save civilization and microgreens salads and who knows? Maybe Hillary will throw him a bone and there will be a HillarySchool “free college” system like our ObamaCare “free” health care system. Gosh, I can’t wait. I’m eagerly awaiting that degree in sustainable board game manufacturer I’ve been dreaming of. I’ll be the first to invent a “Green” Parcheesi set. These people get snookered every time. You could set your clock by it. A cuckoo clock. Every four years, the clock announces more scruffy young hipsters believe what the Democratic Party tells them to be so, despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary. Excuse me, oh quinoa eating ones, but did Obama really deliver what he told you back in 2008? How, then, will Hillary deliver what Obama did not, Kerry and Gore didn’t have a chance to wiggle out of delivering, and Hillary’s erstwhile husband didn’t even deliver back before you were wearing eco-friendly diapers? I know, I know, “Jack is such a drag, man! He’s always got to be such a downer!” Yeah, well, sorry, but we all can’t make purses from “free-cycled jeans”. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. I have one that has been mustered into service as a tobacco wallet. But I’m still not rocking any votes because I learned it’s just the same old tune from 1992. I can’t dance to it. So, hey, knock yourselves out. I don’t vote because I’m uncool and I’m a drag as far as petition-gatherers are concerned. I’m just some aging dude who has finally lost any interest in participating in anything the government seeks my participation in. It isn’t disillusionment so much as it is disinterest and detachment. Among other things, the entire government bores me. While it is entertaining to criticize them, to actually listen to them with no intention of laughter seems to me a wasted effort. I say, let’s record the speeches of Hillary and start beaming them to all quadrants of outer space. We’ll never need to worry about an invasion from outer space. They’ll quarantine this planet for 25,000 years as a hotbed of possibly contagious stupidity. Post Comment Private Reply Ignore Thread
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