How much sex should couples be having? Here's what experts say. Joshua Bote, USA TODAY 22 hrs ago
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No matter your relationship status, sex remains a complicated — and often touchy — subject. Although no one wants to admit it, people across all demographics are spending less time in the sack.
For couples who live together, married couples, and older people in general, the decline in how much sex they have is even more staggering, per a 2019 study of British adults and teens.
But how much sex should couples really be having? Research has shown that couples who have sex at least once a week are happier than their less-bedded counterparts. (A caveat: Happiness levels don't rise with more time spent under the sheets.)
Still, that number doesn't quite apply for everyone. And, ultimately, experts say how much sex a couple should be having depends on the couple itself.
How much sex should a couple have?
Once a week is a common baseline, experts say. That statistic depends slightly on age: 40- and 50-year-olds tend to fall around that baseline, while 20- to 30-year olds tend to average around twice a week.
However, Dr. Peter Kanaris, a clinical psychologist and sex therapist based in Smithtown, New York, warns that couples shouldn't rely on the average as a metric for their own sex lives. He's seen couples on every part of the sex spectrum, from those who have little to no sex to couples who have sex 12 to 14 times a week.
"What's actually more important than for couples to get caught up in some statistical norm to match themselves to that is to look at this from a perspective of sexual satisfaction," he told USA TODAY. "If a couple is sexually satisfied, then that's the goal."
Linda De Villers, a sex therapist and an adjunct professor of psychology and education at Pepperdine, agrees.
"There's a certain amount of motivation to feel normal, whatever that means," she told USA TODAY. "You should be sexual as often as both you and your partner feel good ... If you can say it was satisfying and fulfilling, that's how often you should be sexual."
Should I be planning sex?
Despite the prevailing idea that sex is spontaneous and fueled by sudden desire, sex should be planned, De Villers says.
"If people have kids or commitments, it's really helpful to have some planned sex," she said. "If you don't have planned sex, you're much more likely to have no sex."
And besides, she points out, most sex is planned anyhow. For instance, she says, before you go on a date, you pull out all the stops to make yourself presentable for a prospective partner.
"You had planned sex," she joked. "The evening usually culminates at a certain point, and you knew damn well it would."
What if one person wants sex more than the other?
That's one of the most common problems Kanaris experiences in his line of work. It's a problem that afflicts even the most successful couples, he says.
"When our intimate or sexual partner has low desire, it can be a blow to self-esteem and the ego of the other partner," he said.
Worse, he says, the other partner may "fill in the blank" as to what's causing the lack of sexual desire in the worst ways, amplifying their own insecurities and possibly further inhibit communicating.
He advises couples engage in honest, transparent "intimate communication" about their sex lives if they're feeling unsatisfied.
"In my experience, you can find couples who communicate very well about paying the mortgage, taking care of the kids and other issues, but may (have) very poor or absent communication in matters of intimacy or sexuality," he told USA TODAY.
What's key, says De Villers, is being communicative and expressive about what you want sexually. "It's important to learn to be sexually assertive and have sexual agency," she said.
How else can I satisfy my partner?
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