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Title: Paul Lynde and Hollywood Squares
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Published: Apr 8, 2006
Author: Unknown
Post Date: 2006-04-08 11:39:32 by YertleTurtle
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Views: 64
Comments: 6
I always enjoyed the late Paul Lynde's humor. Best known for Hollywood Squares, Paul unfortunately suffered from the twin burden of his homosexuality and alcoholism. He died of a heart attack while using amyl nitrate (poppers) during a sexual encounter. It appears the man with him ran out, not bothering to call for help. Here are some of Paul witticisms from The Hollywood Squares. Peter Marshall: If the right part comes along, will George C. Scott do a nude scene? Paul Lynde: You mean he doesn't have the right part? Peter Marshall: Will a goose help warn you if there's an intruder on your property? Paul Lynde: There's no better way! Peter Marshall: In "Alice in Wonderland", who kept crying "I'm late, I'm late?" Paul Lynde: Alice, and her mother is sick about it. Peter Marshall: According to Tony Randall, "Every woman I've been intimate with in my life has been..." What? Paul Lynde: Bitterly disappointed. Peter Marshall: Diamonds should not be kept with your family jewels, why? Paul Lynde: They're so cold! Peter Marshall: What is a pullet? Paul Lynde: A little show of affection... Peter Marshall: In the Middle Ages, Paul, people in convents were not allowed to eat beans because they believed something about them we now know isn't true. What? Paul Lynde: Well, I know they took a vow of silence... Peter Marshall: Paul, Snow White...was she a blonde or a brunette? Paul Lynde: Only Walt Disney knows for sure... Peter Marshall: Promethius was tied to the top of a mountain by the gods because he had given something to man. What did he give us? Paul Lynde: I don't know what you got, but I got a sports shirt. Peter Marshall: When Richard Nixon was Vice-President, he went someplace on a "good will mission," but instead wound up being stoned and shouted at. Where did this take place? Paul Lynde: Pat's room . Peter Marshall: True or false, cow's horns are used to make ice cream. Paul Lynde: You mean those weren't chocolate chips? (I know these next two are already quoted to death but I just couldn't resist) Peter Marshall: What are "dual purpose"cattle good for that other cattle aren't? Paul Lynde: They give milk and cookies...but I don't recommend the cookies! Peter Marshall: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily. Peter Marshall: True or false...research indicates that Columbus liked to wear bloomers and long stockings. Paul Lynde: It's not easy to sign a crew up for six months... Peter Marshall: According to the French Chef, Julia Child, how much is a pinch? Paul Lynde: Just enough to turn her on... Peter Marshall: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other? Paul Lynde: Tape measures. Peter Marshall: True or false, the navy has trained whales to recover objects a mile deep. Paul Lynde: At first they tried unsuccessfully with cocker spaniels... Peter Marshall: It used to be called "9-pin." What's it called today? Paul Lynde: Foreplay! Peter Marshall: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do? Paul Lynde: Make him bark. Peter Marshall: Paul, in the early days of Hollywood, who was usually found atop Tony, the Wonder Horse? Paul Lynde: My Friend Flicka. Peter Marshall: During the War of 1812, Captain Oliver Perry made the famous statement, "We have met the enemy and..." What? Paul Lynde: They are cute. Peter Marshall: Burt Reynolds is quoted as saying, "Dinah (Shore)'s in top form. I've never known anyone to be so completely able to throw herself into a..." A what? Paul Lynde: A headboard. Peter Marshall: What is the name of the instrument with the light on the end, that the doctor sticks in your ear? Paul Lynde: Oh, a cigarette. Peter Marshall: In one state, you can deduct $5 from a traffic ticket if you show the officer...what? Paul Lynde: A ten dollar bill. Peter Marshall: Experts say you should avoid sex immediately after...what? Paul Lynde: Surgery. Peter Marshall: True or false, each generation of Americans has been about an inch taller than the previous generation... Paul Lynde: That makes Robert Conrad an antique! Peter Marshall: It's well known that small amounts of female hormones are found in the male body. Are male hormones ever found in the female body? Paul Lynde: Occasionally. Peter Marshall: In the "Wizard of Oz," the lion wanted courage and the tin man wanted a heart. What did the scarecrow want? Paul Lynde: He wanted the tin man to notice him. Peter Marshall: Billy Graham recently called it "our great hope in a confusing and ever-changing world." What is it? Paul Lynde: Pampers. Peter Marshall: Paul, how many men are on a hockey team? Paul Lynde: Oh, about half. Peter Marshall: What should you do if you're going 55 miles per hour and your tires suddenly blow out? Paul Lynde: Honk if you believe in Jesus. Peter Marshall: What do you call a man who gives you diamonds and pearls? Paul Lynde: I'd call him "darling"! Peter Marshall: True or false...a shipment of the Pill was recently recalled because they were actually sugar pills... Paul Lynde: Does this mean all of the babies born in November will have pimples? (from Kermit Schafer's Blooper collection) Peter Marshall: You're on a yacht, and you're seasick. According to Emily Post, should you tell your host? Paul Lynde: No, let him find out for himself. (laughter) Actually I've never been on a yacht...I think you should do everything you can do and of course, tell the host. Contestant: I agree. Marshall: Never tell the host... Lynde: Oh, s***! (bleeped) Peter Marshall: We've all heard the old phrase "A pig in a poke." What is a poke? Paul Lynde: It's when you're not really in love. Peter Marshall: Paul, this is for 12 hundred dollars and the championship. Dale Evans recently revealed the three secrets behind her happy marriage with Roy Rogers. Now listen carefully..."We work together, we pray together and we're darn good..." What? Paul Lynde: In the saddle. Peter Marshall: Paul, in what famous book will you read about a talking ass who wonders why it's being beaten? Paul Lynde: I read it, "The Joy of Sex." Peter Marshall: What's that thing to the east of Sweden? Paul Lynde: Have you seen Anita Ekberg lately? Peter Marshall: Is it normal for Norwegians to talk to trees? Paul Lynde: As long as that's as far as it goes. Peter Marshall: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark. Peter Marshall: What did James Watt invent after fooling around with his wife's tea kettle? Paul Lynde: James Watt Jr. Peter Marshall: The Great White is one of the most feared animals. What is the Great White? Paul Lynde: A sheriff in Alabama. Peter Marshall: Paul, can anything bring tears to a chimp's eyes? Paul Lynde: Finding out that Tarzan swings both ways! Peter Marshall: Is it possible for the puppies in a litter to have more than one daddy? Paul Lynde: Why, that bitch! Peter Marshall: Fred Astaire says, his mother has been trying to get him to do this since he was 35. But he hasn't done it and says he won't do it until he's ready. Do what? Paul Lynde: Move out of the house! Peter Marshall: According to legend, who looks better, a pixie or a fairy? Paul Lynde (in deeper voice): Well, looks aren't everything! (laughter and applause) Well, I guess I would say...I would have to go with the fairy. (more laughter) Peter Marshall: Paul, you have a 9 year old son who constantly wets the bed. What should you do? Paul Lynde: Get rid of him! (audience laughter) Charley Weaver: I know what you should do -- you should get him a waterbed! (camera shot of Charley Weaver enjoying having topped Lynde) Paul Lynde (pretending to be annoyed): Put the camera back on me! Peter Marshall: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body-- what is it? Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected! Peter Marshall: According to the old song, what's breaking up that old gang of mine? Paul Lynde: Anita Byant! Peter Marshall: Paul, the Rio Grande River seperates Texas and Mexico. What does "Rio Grande" mean in Spanish? Paul Lynde: El Washing Machine. Peter Marshall: Elizabeth Taylor calls it 'the Big One' , What is it? Paul Lynde: They both look the same to me! Peter Marshall: Paul,Zsa Zsa Gabor says she never ever swims with her face in the water. Why? Paul Lynde: It clogs the drain. Peter Marshall: Paul, Broderick Crawford says that he is often mistaken for.... Paul Lynde: A dump truck. Peter Marshall: A current movie is being described as "the story of a love that changed the world forever." What movie is it? Paul Lynde: Oh, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. Peter Marshall:Sophia Loren recently revealed that when she was a child she never played with something. What? Paul Lynde: Oh, the L.A.Rams. Peter Marshall: Now listen carefully, Paul. If you have one it's a moose. If you have two, it's a....? Paul Lynde: It's a mess! Peter Marshall: In the Bible, who was found in a basket among the bulrushes? Paul Lynde: Colonel Sanders. Peter Marshall: Henry Kissinger was recently quoted as saying,"They aren't even sexy!" Who was he referring to? Paul Lynde: The Joint Chiefs of Staff. Peter Marshall: A photograph of Queen Elizabeth had her stepping onto the shores of Bangkok, onto a carpet made of what? Paul Lynde: 40% dacron. Peter Marshall: Paul. a recent navy picture had Admiral Zumwalt kissing Admiral Duirk. Why? Paul Lynde: Too long at sea! Peter Marshall: According to PhotoPlay magazine, in their courting days before Frank Sinatra was successful, Nancy used to send him a glove with something in each finger. What? Paul Lynde: Soup. Peter Marshall:Which performing team were the stars of Ed Sullivan's first TV show? Paul Lynde: Aretha and Benjamin Franklin. Peter Marshall: Paul, for a thousand dollars and a tie game, according to psychologists, do most people sleep better in their street clothes than in their pajamas? Paul Lynde: Yeah, we call them winos. Peter Marshall:Paul, according to the classic movie Frankenstein, Dr. Frankenstein was supposed to do something important the day the monster killed him. What? Paul Lynde: I think a tonsillectomy. Peter Marshall:If you want to know if a plastic surgeon is really qualified, who should you check with? Paul Lynde: Tony Randall. Peter Marshall:When President Nixon was in Poland recently the Polish people kept shouting, "Stolat! Stolat! Stolat!" What does "Stolat" mean? Paul Lynde: Welcome, President Johnson Peter Marshall:True or false. George jessel has a 9 year old daughter. Paul Lynde: False. It's his girlfriend Peter Marshall: Eva Gabor says she dislikes a particular word because it signals the end of something that started out so beautifully. What word? Paul Lynde: Pregnant. Peter Marshall: Paul, is there such a thing as a female rooster? Paul Lynde: Yeah, they're the ones who just go "a doodle doo!" Peter Marshall: Why do sheep sleep huddled up? Paul Lynde: Because Little Boy Blue's a weirdo! Peter Marshall: When Henry Kissinger recently visited Japan, he went to a Geisha House, now how did he spent his time in the Geisha House? Paul Lynde: Oh, negotiating for "peace!" Peter Marshall: In the Shakespearean play "King Lear," King Lear had three of them, Gonoreil, Cordelia and Regen. Who were they? Paul Lynde (disgustedly): King Lear had Gonoreil! Peter Marshall: True or False -- are you all right Paul? Paul Lynde: Just spit it out. (audience laughing) Peter Marshall: A recent hearing in New Jersey, opponents of fluorinated water argue that too much fluorine in a persons system can cause an uncontrollable desire for sex? Paul Lynde (shouting): HEY CULLIGAN MAN! Peter Marshall: Queen Elizabeth generally swings her umbrella behind her back, and immediately, something happens. What? Paul Lynde: Lord Snowden doubles up in pain. Peter Marshall: Twiggy reportedly added an inch to her bustline while making (the movie) The Boyfriend. What does that make her bust measurement now? Paul Lynde: One. Peter Marshall: Nathan Hale, one of the heroes of the American Revolution, was hung. Why? Paul Lynde: Heredity! Peter Marshall: Paul, what profession is the most common for prostitutes after they retire? Paul Lynde: Smuggling! Peter Marshall: Oh, Paul, what would we ever do without you? Paul Lynde: Replace me with Charles Nelson Reilly! Peter Marshall: What did the Lone Ranger always leave behind when he left town? Paul Lynde: A masked baby. Peter Marshall: If a women becomes pregnant while employed, is she now entitled to six weeks maternity leave? Paul Lynde: Only if the baby resembles the boss. Peter Marshall: Paul, true or false, studies show that women in their sixties have a more intense craving for physical romance than when they were in their forties... Paul Lynde: Well, that's tough! Peter Marshall: True or false...there are more psychiatrists in Beverly Hills than plumbers. Paul Lynde: When my toilet's backed up, I don't care who fixes it! Peter Marshall: True or false...NASA officials report that when Chinese vice-premier Dang visited the astronaut training headquarters recently, the one big question he demanded to know was...where the astronauts go to the bathroom?! Paul Lynde: The answer was over China! (from the beginning of the 1980-81 Las Vegas season, when Lynde returned to the show) Peter Marshall: Okay pick a star... Contestant: Paul Smith, please? (Paul breaks up) Peter Marshall: I'm sorry, who did you say? Contestant: Paul Smith... Peter Marshall: Lynde? Contestant: Paul Lynde! (audience, stars and Marshall howl with laughter) Paul Lynde (scowling): Paul Smith! (more laughter) Thanks for the welcome back! Peter Marshall: Now listen carefully, Paul...during the time of the hula hoop, the yo-yo, and Davy Crockett hats, who was in the White House? Paul Lynde: I'll say the yo-yo! Peter Marshall: Paul, according to the World Book Encylopedia, what is the main reason dogs pant? Paul Lynde: Because they can’t talk dirty! Peter Marshall: Sophia Loren has written a cookbook which will be published this spring entitled, “Cooking With ...” Cooking with what? Paul Lynde: Cooking with a three-foot-long spoon. Peter Marshall: Fidel Castro recently gave Yugoslavia’s Marshall Tito a gift. What was it? Paul Lynde: A cheap, hand–painted tie. Peter Marshall: Paul, true or false. Occasionally, a bull moose will hear the horn of diesel train and will run to it thinking that it is its lover? Paul Lynde: And heaven help the conductor! Peter Marshall: True or false. In Athens recently they discovered sketches of the great philosopher Socrates, revealing that he bore a striking resemblance to Paul Newman? Paul Lynde: But he walked like Joanne! Peter Marshall: Paul, in ancient Rome, bakers were required by law to bake something into each loaf of bread. What? Paul Lynde: A Christian. Peter Marshall: The Atlantic Ocean is the major body of water on Africa’s west coast. What major body lies off Africa’s east coast? Paul Lynde: Ex-president Mobutu. Peter Marshall: Glen Campbell recently stated, “Love to me is something you ..." Something you what? Paul Lynde: Purchase. Peter Marshall: Besides a baton, what did Xavier Cugat always have in his hand when he lead his orchestra? Paul Lynde: Oh, arthritis. Peter Marshall: A woman who is divorced, has a college education, and is nineteen-years-old is more like to have a certain ailment than anybody else. What ailment? Paul Lynde: The heartbreak of psorriasis. Peter Marshall: Can chewing gum help prevent a child from catching a cold? Paul Lynde: No, but I know it’ll plug a runny nose. Peter Marshall: Paul, true or false. Nylon is stronger than steel? Paul Lynde: But steel panties don’t turn me on! Peter Marshall: Who are more likely to be romantically responsive. Women under thirty or women over thirty? Paul Lynde: I don’t have a third choice…? Peter Marshall: Where does most of the olive oil in the world come from? Paul Lynde: Caesar Romero’s comb. Peter Marshall: A soap opera in Australia called “Number 96” offers audiences something that no American soap opera has. What? Paul Lynde: An unfaithful kangaroo. Peter Marshall: Elizabeth Taylor recently stated, “It wasn’t easy.” And hubby Richard Burton added, “But we both sleep much better.” They were both talking about the same thing. What? Paul Lynde: Separate bedrooms. Peter Marshall: According to Billy Graham, is immorality contagious? Paul Lynde: I know he was down with it for about a month. Peter Marshall: Karen Valentine made her film debut in a film called “Gidget...” Gidget what? Paul Lynde: Gidget Gets Morning Sickness. Peter Marshall: In Greek mythology, what would the god Morpheus do to you while you were asleep? Paul Lynde: I don’t know, but I got an enchanted hickie. Peter Marshall: True or false. In Sweden, a person can get an instant divorce? Paul Lynde: Yes, from poisoned meatballs. Peter Marshall: After Phyllis Diller’s recent facelift, she received thousands of letters, mostly asking three questions: did it hurt? How much did it cost? And one other...what? Paul Lynde: Do your eyes close when you sit down? Peter Marshall: Eddie Fisher recently stated, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for them both.” Who or what was he referring to? Paul Lynde: His fans. Peter Marshall: True or false. Ari Onassis gave Jackie $5 million worth of jewelry in their first year of marriage alone? Paul Lynde: And it didn’t cure her headache. Peter Marshall: In the movies, who gave the advice, “whistle while you work”? Paul Lynde: It was either Paul Winchell…or Linda Lovelace. Peter Marshall: In a famous fairy tale, a queen is bathing when a frog jumps out of the water and says, “Thy wish shall be fullfilled.” What was the queen’s wish? Paul Lynde: She wanted the frog to talk dirty. Peter Marshall: You became a mother two months ago. And you’ve been feeling a bit depressed lately. According to Cosmopolitan Magazine, is this normal? Paul Lynde: I hate these stretch marks! Peter Marshall: Playboy Magazine recently published a book by billionaire J. Paul Getty called, “How To ...” How to what? Paul Lynde: How To Treat Oily Skin. Peter Marshall: According to Johnny Carson's ex-wife Joanne, after the divorce, he sent her a copy of a best-selling book. Which one? Paul Lynde: Shaft! Peter Marshall: Paul, true or false, the University of Nebraska was recently given $185,000 for an extensive study of the prune. Paul Lynde: There goes $185,000 down the drain!
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#1. To: YertleTurtle (#0)
Thanks for posting this. I loved Paul Lynde. As I read these, I can imagine how he would say each line in his inimitable sarcastic style. He was great. I'm sorry he had such a sad end. I just wish he'd made more movies so that younger generations could be familiar with him - I mainly knew him from Hollywood Squares and his various TV appearances that probably aren't seen too much anymore.
"I woke up in the CRAZY HOUSE."
RIP
Only a couple of these are clean, but they are all funny. At least Lynde was so overtly homosexual, there was nothing sneaky about it.
”We have room but for one flag... We have room but for one language... and we have room for but one sole loyalty, and that is the loyality to the American people.” - Theodore Roosevelt
There's an old saying: Genius forgives genius. So, for all Lynde's faults, he was always forgiven.
"I aim to misbehave" -- Mal Reynolds, Firefly
I was so innocent, back then, that I didn't even know what was a fag...he just seemed like a quick witted twit to me. Long gone are those are those days, sad to say.
Thanks for the memories, YT. Lynde was wonderful, as was Hollywood Squares way back when.
#2. To: YertleTurtle (#0)
Thanks for this one...funny guy.
#3. To: mehitable, YertleTurtle, lodwick (#1)
#4. To: robin (#3)
At least Lynde was so overtly homosexual, there was nothing sneaky about it.
#5. To: YertleTurtle (#4)
At least Lynde was so overtly homosexual, there was nothing sneaky about it.
#6. To: YertleTurtle (#0)
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