Hunter Biden opened his very own lemonade stand on the White House front lawn Wednesday morning, citing a need for extra pocket change and a congenital passion for entrepreneurship. “Business has always been my number-one passion in life,” Biden said. “Well, after having sex with my brother’s widow and then cheating on her with a stripper while doing tons of cocaine. That was always my top passion. But business is a close second.”
The lemonade comes in pink, cherry, and strawberry pomegranate flavors.
But Hunter isn’t just shaking up the D.C. beverage market with his flavor choices. While the typical lemonade stand fare will cost a thirsty patron 25 cents, or a dollar in a nicer neighborhood, the First Son’s lemonade will sell for slightly more, at $100,000 per glass.
The figure may seem high. But if any businessman has the charm and talent to make it work, it’s Hunter Biden, the man who once got a Chinese energy executive to give him a 2.5-carat diamond just from the kindness of his heart. WATCH: Check out Darren Beattie's latest interviews
While Republican lawmakers have suggested, without evidence, that a six figure sum for a single glass of lemonade is rather high, respected Ukrainian businessman Mykola Vladislavovich Zlochevsky, founder of Burisma and a former associate of Biden’s, said the price sounded reasonable.
“Truthfully, Biden’s world-class expertise in combating corruption is only half the reason we paid him $50,000 per month to serve on Burisma’s board,” said Zlochevsky. “Really, it was his prodigious talent for perfectly balancing tap water and Country Time drink mix from the local Safeway.”
Chinese billionaire Chung Chin Wei agreed, saying he hoped to buy five, ten, or even a hundred glasses of Hunter’s concoction.
“When I first drink Hunter lemonade, I feel spasm of ecstasy down spine,” said Wei. “No sum is too great for this nectar of the gods.”
Republicans have groundlessly labeled praise of Hunter’s prized lemonade an effort to curry favor, but Democrats in Congress are giving the Biden brew their endorsement.
“What can I say, it’s great stuff,” said Sen. Chris Coons of Delaware. “Don’t tell everyone, but I’d be willing to give Hunter a night with my wife, or even my daughter, to have a steady supply.”
Poster Comment:
This is a satire.