Arkansas - Free $10 scratch-off and a six-pack of Busch Light.
California - Free U-Haul to help you leave California.
Colorado - Free bag of marijuana and an industrial-sized case of Doritos.
Connecticut - A crappier version of whatever New York is giving away.
Delaware - 10 free copies of Hunter Biden’s book.
Florida - Entered for a chance to win a trip to Mar-a-Lago where you’ll get to kiss Trump’s ring in person.
Georgia - Free tickets to the MLB All-Star game.
Hawaii - Grass hula skirt and Mazie Hirono-cancelling headphones.
Idaho - Free bag of potatoes. You can boil them, mash them, or perhaps stick them in a stew.
Illinois - Free bullet-proof vest.
Indiana - Lottery for the chance to play one down of football for Notre Dame this fall.
Iowa - Coupon for a free order of fried butter at Iowa State Fair.
Kansas - Free double-wide trailer and dog that barks constantly.
Kentucky - Enough performance-enhancing drugs to split between you and a horse.
Louisiana - Free house that has never been underwater or anything of the sort.
Maine - Stephen King will autograph your vaccine scar while ranting about Trump.
Maryland - “Got Crabs?” t-shirt and a personal detective to investigate your murder.
Massachusetts - Free bowl of clam chowder and a $5 Dunkin coupon.
Michigan - Free abandoned house in downtown Detroit.
Minnesota - Free admission to the police academy.
Mississippi - Free all you can eat pass at Golden Corral.
Missouri - Chance to play starting shortstop for the Kansas City Royals.
Montana - Free buffalo.
Nebraska - Entered into a drawing to win a John Deere T670 combine harvester.
Nevada - $20 free slot play at the Golden Nugget.
New Hampshire - A crappier version of whatever Massachusetts is giving away.
New Jersey - Entry into a drawing to win a house in a state that’s not New Jersey.
New Mexico - Free migrant child.
New York - Free can of mace to fight off handsy governors.
North Carolina - A chance to become one of Stephen Furtick’s disciples.
North Dakota - Box of 12-gauge pheasant ammo.
Ohio - One free trip through Cleveland in bulletproof Hummer.
Oklahoma - Horseback archery lessons with Elizabeth Warren.
Oregon - Antifa will still burn down your business, but they will feel bad about it now.
Pennsylvania - Free pin-up calendar featuring Dr. Rachel Levine.
Rhode Island - Whatever Connecticut is offering, but smaller.
South Carolina - Constant IV drip of sweet tea straight into your veins.
South Dakota - Your face up on Mt. Rushmore.
Tennessee - Choice of either a new set of teeth or tickets to Graceland assuming it’s not considered racist yet.
Texas - Free AR-15 with a cute little cowboy hat on top.
Utah - Three free wives with each injection.
Vermont - Free pair of Bernie Sanders mittens.
Virginia - Invite To Governor Northam’s Next “Antebellum” Party.
Washington - Seat on CHAZ city council.
West Virginia - Carton of menthol cigarettes.
Wisconsin - Signed photograph of Packers QB Aaron Rogers.
Wyoming - Free seat in U.S. House of Representatives.
And even the almost-states are offering incentives:
Washington, D.C. - Every vaccinated person gets to become their own state.
Well? Go get your free stuff!
“ On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron. ” ~ H. L. Mencken