WASHINGTON, D.C.—The modern military takes on a lot of duties. There’s meeting diversity quotas. There’s Critical Race Theory training. And there’s helping the environment. Also, thrown in there are some requirements to protect the country. Well, the Pentagon has announced a new policy that will help the U.S. military meet some of those goals: They’re now switching all weapons to swords and bows. “We have a deadly enemy out there,” announced General “Sparkles” McKenzie, “and it’s called carbon. The problem with modern-day weapons is that they take a lot of carbon to make. But if we get some nice bespoke swords or bows and arrows, that will help us stay carbon neutral, and you can all sleep safe at night.”
The Pentagon outlined many advantages to swords and bows other than their environmental impact. For one, it helps the military get rid of the M-16, a rifle they had wanted to stop using for a while, since it resembles the AR-15 preferred by right-wing nutjobs. Also, swords and bows don’t make loud noises, and loud noises have been known to trigger more sensitive soldiers.
There are some problems with the new policy, though. Some military simulations have shown that swords and bows do put the military at a disadvantage against armies that still use irresponsible gunpowder and explosive weapons. “We have a modern weapon for that,” explained McKenzie. “It’s called the hashtag #StopTheBang. Everyone get on Twitter with that, and I’m sure we can shame our enemies into doing the right thing.”