So, um, some people did something, and now CNN's Primetime slot is empty! Oh no! While we are extremely sad to see the brilliant and legendary Chris Cuomo go, there are a ton of great candidates out there who would do a great job filling his shoes! Here are the top ten possible replacements for Chris Cuomo:
#1) Jussie Smollett: He has vast experience using fake news to gin up racial hatred. A perfect fit!
#2) Ghislaine Maxwell: For her skill in protecting serial sex predators.
#3) Luigi from Super Mario Brothers: The Primetime slot has been traditionally filled by a proud Italian-American. It should be given to another Italian.
#4) A bowl of fettuccine: Another Italian classic, albeit with a slightly higher I.Q.
#5) Brian Stelter: Because it's high time this position was filled by a woman.
#6) One of those recorded messages from the airport loudspeaker that tells everyone where to find the bathrooms and newsstands: Would still provide more useful information than your average CNN host.
#7) Kamala Harris: Since she's not currently doing anything.
#8) A Pfizer sales rep: Might as well hear your typical CNN news straight from the source for once!
#9) A female CNN intern: She could spend each night telling lurid stories of all the unspeakably gross stuff that happens at CNN every day! Guaranteed ratings boost!
10) Tucker Carlson: The universe would implode.
We can't wait to see what CNN has in store for us!