WASHINGTON, D.C.—A report filed by the FCC with the Public Safety and Homeland Security office has revealed your phone just buzzed in your pocket. However, the report’s findings were retracted after you looked at your phone in confusion. Details of the report indicate a message required your attention, but a follow-up inspection proved this incorrect. According to sources, no one was trying to contact you and you will probably die alone.
The tremor you felt was an illusion. The phenomenon, known as Phantom Vibration Syndrome, just means you’re stupid. You imagined the whole thing—just like the moon landing.
On the other hand, anonymous sources speculate a message did indeed come through but was removed by special actors working with the deep state.
UPDATE: Your phone vibrated again. You should check it.