WASHINGTON, D.C.—Reports indicate that President Joe Biden is desperately searching for 8,000 troops to reinforce Ukraine’s border that don’t have myocarditis. After mandating that only vaccinated soldiers can serve in the military, finding troops with healthy hearts has proven difficult.
“Listen up, folks! We need 800 million, I mean 8 thousand troops sent to Ukraine. But here’s the deal, we need ‘em to have hearts that don’t explode!” said Biden while meeting with top military personnel. “So c'mon I don’t care where you have to look or how you do it, but somehow find me 8,000 healthy troops ASAP!”
Charged with the straightforward task, the Generals began to make some phone calls. Sources say that the Generals immediately contacted every branch of the military, even Space Force, but they were still unable to come anywhere close to 8,000 healthy troops.
Growing desperate, the military sent out all of their high school recruiters looking for anyone at all to answer Biden’s call to defend Ukraine. Unfortunately, all of the recently vaccinated high schoolers were with the school nurse showing signs of myocarditis.
Millions of healthy naturally immune soldiers requested the opportunity to serve their country, but they were all turned away without proof of vaccination and were dishonorably discharged for their trouble.
At publishing time, 8,000 troops with myocarditis were sent to Ukraine anyway, instructed to go on patrol and protect the border as soon as they could catch their breath.