WASHINGTON, D.C.—Scientists for the Democratic party have announced a surprise change in science, after previous science was determined to be too unpopular to remain science.
“We’ve been poring over the data, specifically the opinions of suburban women in swing states, and it’s become clear that masking children has suddenly become completely ineffective for preventing COVID,” said Democratic pollster scientist Bob McNeill. “It’s really a shocking turnaround, as just last week masks were super effective and anyone who disagreed was a murderer. Gosh, science is amazing!”
CNN’s Jim Acosta, who just last week called optional masking “worse than a Soviet police state”, hailed the remarkable breakthrough. “Once again, this shows how Democrats lead the way. Last week, we lead the way in accusing people of child abuse if they didn't put a muzzle on a two-year-old. Now, this week, we are again leading the way in removing outdated mask mandates—and it just feels so good to be able to look parents in the eye and say 'you're welcome.' Now come, you poor ingrates, come and let your faces, at last, gaze once again upon my handsomeness!"
At publishing time, Jen Psaki was decrying Republicans as the party of masking children while her fan club nodded furiously.