WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Joe Biden retaliated against Russia this morning when he directed astronauts aboard the International Space Station to eat all the freeze-dried ice cream and not leave any for the Russians. American astronaut Kevin Fjordway saluted the president bravely and then propelled himself to the station's kitchen where he proceeded to gorge himself on free-dried vanilla, chocolate, and strawberry space ice cream.
"None for you!" he said, glaring at the Russians as crumbs floated out of his mouth.
Sasha Davidov and Arkady Ourumov, the two Roscosmos engineers, reportedly wept bitterly after being dealt such a massive insult from the Americans.
"We brothers," Arkady said in broken English. "We broke fast together with thermostabilized irradiated byproducts, comrade."
"It's called breakfast, you commie!" shrieked Ed Laserbeam, another American astronaut who joined the fray. "No ice cream until Putin leaves Ukraine!"
According to sources, Biden watched as the scene unfolded from the White House situation room. He nodded his approval as the Russians came to the realization there would be no more ice cream for the remainder of their three-month mission.
Win Wang of the Chinese National Space Administration lost all her ice cream by way of collateral damage, further harming US-China relations.
At publishing time, the Russians and Chinese aboard the space station had begun working together to hide all the Tang, absolutely devastating their American colleagues.