Study Shows Kids Who Are Homeschooled Could Miss Out On Opportunity To Be A Gay Communist
U.S.—Education experts are warning about the detrimental effects of homeschooling, as it may cause children to miss out on their opportunity to be gay communists.
"The two essential roles of public education are to turn kids into communists, and then make them gay," said AFL-CIO President Randi Weingarten. "If education fails to accomplish both of those things in the life of a child, it has failed miserably."
Studies show that while homeschooled kids may excel in advanced mathematics, literature, history, Latin, debate, civics, religion, music, art, theoretical physics, and physical fitness, most kids educated by their parents fall woefully short in essential subjects like Communism and being gay.
"We need common-sense regulation of homeschooling to ensure our nation's kids are sufficiently perverted by gender theory and fully ready for the violent overthrow of the Republic to usher in a glorious communist utopia," said Weingarten. "No child should be left behind."
Lawmakers are discussing programs to send drag queens to the homes of homeschoolers but insisted they will have to repeal the 2nd Amendment and take away all the guns first.
Biden Says The Economy Is As Vibrant And Healthy As He Is
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Biden attempted to calm fears of a crashing economy and coming recession today assuring Americans the economy is every bit as vibrant and healthy as he is.
"You people have nothing to worry about. Best economic recovery ever! The economy is just as fit and healthy as Old Joe!" said Biden to a 12- year-old girl in the junior's clothing section of JCPenney he mistook for an MSNBC reporter. "If I wasn't the picture of health, do you think I could do this?" Biden then got in the push-up position but quickly forgot why he was down there and decided to go to sleep.
The White House's gay-black Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre confirmed Biden's assertions after flipping through her notebook for 30 minutes to find the correct response. "Yes, the economy is very healthy," she said, "just like the president. I am gay and black."
Economists also insist the economy will be ok, just as long as someone can find a diaper for the economy to wear when it poops its pants and a special guide to help the economy find its way back to its basement when it forgets where it is.
At publishing time, Biden boasted he is even healthier than the economy as the economy is now dead.