WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a statement given this week, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said she feels for Americans struggling with prices at the pump and offered a suggestion for how to cope by becoming a millionaire through insider trading.
"If you want to avoid suffering from high gas prices, the solution is simple," she said. "Just get elected to Congress and spend decades trading stocks based on insider information only Congress is allowed to have! Easy!"
"You'll even have money left over for ice cream and to bail your spouse out of prison if they get a DUI!"
Republicans condemned Pelosi's callous statements, contesting that Americans should instead pull themselves up by their bootstraps and work harder, and maybe meet with a few ExxonMobil lobbyists for some extra cash.
"Pelosi's advice is sound, but we've found this approach only works for one out of every 350 million Americans," said local Democratic strategist Yance Parmesan. "For everyone unable to enrich themselves as a career politician, we recommend you just ask Biden for a gas card or buy an electric car. Simple as that!"
At publishing time, gas prices rose even higher, forcing Pelosi to get a second job delivering pizzas.